tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70280240741744313702024-03-14T00:40:38.640-07:00Un namedMy random thoughts...nothing too important to you...this is what goes on in my mind...Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-39489705207329505702010-03-11T11:17:00.000-08:002010-03-11T12:02:10.015-08:00About them,About meShe makes me happy.She also confuses me.I love her too much for my own good i think, but then again,don't all sisters love each other like that? I guess so. Sometimes i want to hug her and keep her protected in my arms forever.Someday she will be taller than i am,prettier and smarter. I will still kiss her on the cheek and call her my baby.<br />I came home a couple of weeks ago to see her smiling and overly hyper. Her eyes smiled, her face smiled, her whole being smiled. I asked her what was up, and she shyly whispered to me in all of her 10 year old innocence that she got to speak with her "boyfriend". Her first love. Her childhood friend. She had a "date" to speak to him again the next day, she was so excited she barely could fall asleep. If i could summarize all the wonderful moments that are worth living on this earth, I would summarize them in the innocent smile of a 10 year old falling in love.<br /><br />This other girl. She's fresh, young, rebellious. I might like her a little more than everyone else because she reminds me of my younger self. She had this brilliant future ahead of her, full of many smiles, rides across countries and a string of boys with broken hearts along the way.It was her destiny....or perhaps not.<br />Just like everyone her age, she makes mistakes and hopefully learns from them. I made mistakes when i was her age, but i was very lucky...or at least much luckier than she is. I'm sure she'll be OK, but what kind of cruel lesson is life trying to teach her? She's alone. She 14. She's pregnant.<br /><br />He's already 30. Not too young but also still young enough, especially for a guy. He is much better than he thinks he is, he doesn't want pity, and i don't want to give him pity. I would just like to show him the potential that i know he has, and the potential that he suspects that he has.<br />I understand him when he tries to summarize himself for me...he keeps it simple, just the way i like it. He tells me: I just want to write. And all i wanna do? Memorize everything he writes.<br /><br />What's wrong with her? She always used to wonder. Till the doctors gave her the answers. She felt she was going insane, but now her doctors control her mind disease by pumping her with meds. It keeps the darkness from consuming her. And yet, she still tries to smile.Tries is the key word here.<br />She wants to figure life out, some things are too close for comfort for her, simple things, like getting close to other human beings. She's only 22.She just wants to write too. She's me.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-47365622054133815602010-01-04T07:24:00.000-08:002010-01-04T07:40:48.015-08:00An Ode To RogerA few months ago,i tried my luck by buying a hamster.Then a few weeks after that i bought another one to keep the first one company.They are stinky,they eat alot and they are noisy.But i loved them both.<br />Yesterday i came home to find that my first hamster, an orange one called Roger, was barely moving. He was still alive,but he was also dying. I wrapped him up,tried to feed him...nothing worked.I could feel his tiny little heart beats go slow. I shed a few tears,and i think mina's heart was broken. She told me to try to save him,to take him to work with me and take care of him.<br />I wrapped his little body trying to keep him warm and put him back in his cage. I didnt have the guts to see if he was ok this morning, so i left for work without checking up on him.My little sister called me int he afternoon to tell me that Charlee,my other female hamster, had chewed roger's head off after he died. Ofcourse being the coward that i am,i told them to clean up the mess before i got home.I told them to throw Roger's mutilated body away.I dont even wanna keep Charlee anymore.<br /><br />Ofcourse as much as it hurts me,i shouldnt be shocked. I tend to usually lose anything that i love.Apparently my love is a curse.lol.I've been dreaming lately that i'm having kids,and everytime i either drop the baby,or just dont love it.This scares the bloody s*** outta me,especially since i'm the one who's expected to be a good mom.Here's the thing though,no matter how many dreams i have,or nightmares in this case, i know that when i get what i want,whether ready or not,i will love them with every single beat of my heart.And you too will do that my friens,even if you dont think so.<br /><br />The thing is even after i spent the night of new year's eve at home(AGAIN), i still made sure to put on a smile next day,put on a cheery song, and rememeber that i can always better my life if i choose to.<br /><br />I work now so my life has gotten a little more...on the slow pace.I'm making money though which feels good,although i do work long hours. I will try to travel to see the world with the money i save since i'm still single and young enough to do so.<br />I decided that this time i will not make any new year resolutions,i will live my life as it comes so i wont face any disappointments.I will do my best.I'm going to keep moving on and going strong.<br />So 2010....i'm already gone.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-89164552175300988152009-12-25T09:31:00.000-08:002009-12-27T06:03:48.712-08:00Think notEvery single blog entry of mine,or almost all of them, have 2 things in common.First,i seem to talk about all the changes that happened in my life. Second, i tend to thank God every chance i get for the little blessings that seem to linger in my life. The first point remains naturally the same, we all change as life throws its curves at us, however the second is not going to be exactly the same anymore. This entry will deal with broken promises, ending relationships, and a changed perspective of faith.<br /><br />Starting on a positive note,i got my masters with merit,and i received an A for my dissertation. My hard work didn't go to waste thankfully. I came back home 3 months ago, and the first job i applied to i got,with a great salary too if i may add. Now to everyone around me i seem to have the perfect life,except that..well,me being me,i get bored way too quickly. Still,at this point of my life,it's all good.However,I'm sick of drama. This is why i reached a point where I'm sick of friendship.Don't get me wrong,i still love all my friends and I'm willing to help them anyway i can and anytime they need me,however,since most of them intentionally spice up their life by adding some drama,I'm not willing to participate this time. My "ex" best friend put my life in so much drama for so long that i currently have a negative reaction for it. It's OK if my life was a bit boring with routine,i can live with that,but no more drama please.at least not for a while.<br /><br />You might be wondering why i had "ex" between quotation marks, and so this brings me to the subject of broken promises. I should really stop promising myself stuff. For example,my ex best friend is my best friend again.Granted,out relationship will never be exactly that same way it was a few years back,but I'm glad she's back since its like a missing part of my life came back.This includes the promise i made saying that if i leave the country I'll never come back....well here i am!meh....that's a long story i don't wanna get into.but in a nutshell,no more promises.<br /><br />I feel kinda guilty for not writing in my blog for such a long time. After much nagging from a new friend i made here i am again. The thing is my blog seems to portray a side of me that not many people see...and i guess i prefer to keep it that way. Speaking of that new friend of mine,let's call him m3allem for namesake, is married and believe it or not as an Arab he is in an open relationship! I have to say that although i don't necessarily agree on the concept,i respect his courage to say it out loud. Funny thing about this new friend is that i have absolutely nothing in common with him.yet we are friends.Oh well,it seems to somehow work. what's interesting is that he reminds me of another friend of mine in the sense that this guy can pour his heart out when he writes. He even wrote something that i read for his wife and that i absolutely love. The thing is,i have a friend who wrote and read poetry for me,and its weird how i always said that I'd marry a guy who could write poetry for me,or who would at least love me passionately, but the funny thing is when i actually did meet a guy like that, i couldn't love him back.Is something wrong with me?<br /><br />Moving on to the subject of faith. Unfortunately after i started my OCD episode one year ago and didn't even know it,no amount of prayer made me feel better.Of course everything is fine now since I'm on medication, but my relationship with the man upstairs isn't how it used to be.I cant say I'm all out of faith,because that will be a life,i mean i have my moments. But generally speaking I'm a million miles off where i used to be. I keep thinking of what my friend once told me...he said "i envy those who believe,their lives are a lot more peaceful that those of us who don't".He is so right.<br /><br />My best friend went to a fortune teller a few days ago.What pissed me off is she told her everything I've been saying for the past few years FOR FREE!the funny thing is that she told her after 1 heart break-which mind you I've already had-I'm gonna find the love of my life.I don't think such a thing exists. My new friend told me a few days ago that I'm single because I'm a thinker.<br /><br />Although i can say for sure I'm content in my current situation,it seems that my future has 2 paths laid out for me...either i give up my way of thinking and settle for the life that every typical girl wants to have,or i stay true to myself and risk not having many things that i do eventually want.I can fly,smile and dance on my own.I'm strong on my own...but what if from him i never want to part?Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-70113184320992888442009-06-21T12:48:00.000-07:002009-06-21T13:25:30.606-07:00Lipstick marks on my coffee cupHere I am again.<br /><br />Months have passed again and I can only tell how much I've grown and how many things have changed in my life from reading this blog. When i go to work in the morning,i usually buy some coffee,an old favorite that i am allowed to enjoy again. Every time i get off the train and am about to dispose of the coffee cup i tend to pause for a few seconds.There are lipstick marks on my coffee cup.The lipstick marks are the same i used to see on my mama's coffee cups when i was a kid,or all the 'grown up' women i saw.I always used to assign the title 'grown up' to one of my older female cousin when i checked if their coffee cups had lipstick marks or not.And guess what?Mine do now.everyday.<br />This blog entry will deal with engagements, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OCD</span>, and many good-byes.<br /><br />So,let's start with my reoccurring guest of honor, my best friend. I've given up being angry at her, or calling her my EX best friend or even hoping that if she "wakes up" we can go back to being careless 19 year <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">olds</span> driving with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. She called me to tell me that she got engaged to a guy that i personally consider to be an asshole.Now let's be fair for a second, no matter what i think of him, she DOES love him,and as the cliche goes,love is blind, and so can i really blame her for being in love?the answer is a simple no.Can i blame her for the way our friendship is now?The answer is yes.The funny thing she thinks that i HATE her fiance...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">i'm</span> not really saying that she's wrong,i mean hate is a strong word,its more like extreme dislike. However, she thinks that i blame HIM for breaking my friendship with her.The answer to that is:WRONG.He never forced her to do anything. HER very own decisions were the ones always causing me pain.And you know the worst part about it?She might always remember me as the person who ruined our friendship just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">cuz</span> i <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">dont</span> like her future husband.and yes,i am talking about the same friend who thought she'd never get married till she's close to thirty.you wanna know what the best part about this story is?I still love her with every beat of my heart.I'm tired of being angry with her,but i still stand my ground a bout everything i told her,however,as a final gift to her before she gets married, i am going home next week to help her choose her wedding gown,to choose a hotel for a wedding and wedding cards.and perhaps give her many needed hugs.Next time i see her it wont be the same and we both know it.Somehow we managed to forge the strongest friendship <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">i've</span> ever seen in the course of a year.I think my best friend and i will always love each other wherever life takes it.It's not really what we imagined,but i guess as long as we both are as happy as we can be,even if not together,then it's good enough.God's plan all along,wasn't it?<br /><br />Acceptance. That's a feeling that comes when you get over your initial shock.Two of my closest friends are getting engaged.The female <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">i've</span> been close to for 6 years and is getting engaged to a guy who...well,lets just say shouldn't have been her type.The male <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">i've</span> been good friends with for about 4 years,and he's also got engaged to someone who's not quite his type.When i first heard about the news,i was shocked and outraged and i even went home to try to fix my friends' lives!I learned after 3 weeks home that some lives are not my responsibility to fix. It was a difficult lesson to learn,but it did indeed generate acceptance.<br /><br />I know anyone reading this will be kinda shocked but i was THANKFUL to find out a few months ago that the 2 cases of extreme depression that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">i've</span> suffered from in the past few years were actually not cases of depression.I,and i am saying it,have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">OCD</span>.<br />I am on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">meds</span> for the following year and i thank God constantly that this case i have has a solution.Speaking of God,i do have a confession.During the first few months of this year my faith was constantly tested,and i barely passed if at all.I'm trying to rebuild the strong spirituality i used to have but its not so easy. I am determined that i wont stop trying till everything is restored to the way it used to be.I'd like to think of that last statement as courage given from God to change the things that i can find,since serenity has already led me to acceptance.<br /><br />Now the hardest part,lost <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">friendships</span>.I had the most amazing group in uni the first term in the UK.After i started showing symptoms of my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">OCD</span> the second term,i lost 90% of the group i belonged to.Now i realise that God was looking after me his own way.They were never friends to begin with.And the 10% i have still as friend, i know i will keep in my life for a very long time.<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Of course</span> the experience itself brought along it's share of pain,but whats new about that?<br />Also,i lost one of my closest friends.I got to see him face to face in the UK and let's just say that either i kept <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">misunderstanding</span> him,or he's simply not the guy i thought he would be.I'm still too angry to speak about him further,but perhaps,just perhaps,things might change in the future.Yet,no expectations no disappointments.(C,you're the only constant in my life).<br /><br />Right this moment <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">i'm</span> thinking of all the things that are NOT working out in my life currently.And then just as fast as those thoughts come, i remember that every single time,things tend to eventually work out.I am thankful for new friendships formed, for the best health i can afford,for the close relationship i have with my father now,and mostly for the wisdom i tend to gain with every new step i take in my life.<br />I think for some time <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">i'll</span> be pausing for a few seconds <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">every time</span> i see the lipstick marks on my coffee cup.I figure,why the hell not,it makes me smile.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-27494077387910693862009-03-08T18:12:00.000-07:002009-03-25T17:20:57.611-07:00Brick WallsI was reading my previous entry and thinking what a world away i am from those days. Here's the sad update: The one thing I've always dreaded the most,the depression that I've had a few years ago,returned to me. That was the one thing that i never wished even on my worst enemy(don't think i have any,but you get the point). But before i talk about that,i'm gonna talk about what happened in between.<br /><br />When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.<br /><br />A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.<br /><br />I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.<br /><br />Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.<br /><br />The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-58412103711540623132008-12-07T19:04:00.000-08:002008-12-07T19:22:34.323-08:0013 daysIn less than two weeks I'll be home again.<br />Last time i wrote in my blog was before i left.My life was so chaotic and i was in an extremely confused phase that i could barely think straight.<br />Someone asked me a few weeks ago why i haven't written in this blog that has helped me express so many frustrations over the last few years,and the true honest answer is that i have thought about it often, but I've been too busy living.<br /><br />Living has a new meaning to me.To actually be too busy being alive is invigorating. I have fun and i dance...i worry and i cry...there's balance.The best part has been the sense of freedom that overflows from my veins..even if i am angry at the whole world,i have the option of storming out and walking aimlessly for hours just pondering my existence.i do it because i can.The worst part has been missing my old world..family and friends.Memories will forever be etched my my mind from previous experiences..as much as I've yearned for this life style,i could never forget waking up on Fridays from the smell of my mama's french toast...feeling my sister hug me while we watch TV together for hours...drinking good coffee early in the morning while driving to university...going to weddings with traditional Arabic music...laughing with friends so hard until tears ran down our faces...reading good Arabic poetry with good friends....and the list is really endless.<br /><br />Sometimes I am afraid.Afraid of being forgotten.Every human being wants to be remembered..i want my family and friends to always remember.I am happy (thank God for that), but the last 21 years are a part of why i am happy.I worked so hard to get here,and although i realise life will keep getting more difficult and my worries will increase, it is a part of life that i accept because i love freedom. I am happy.<br /><br />Of course in upcoming blog entries i will still be bitching about pressures I'll be facing my life, about loneliness, about homesickness and basically anything that would bother any other human being...i can safely say however that i wouldn't change this lifestyle for anything in the world.If given a choice between my present and my past,my present wins easily.<br /><br />I was reading a book (a pleasure that i rarely get lately) and from this book, I've concluded that the following is my new objective in life:<br />I will always aim for the moon...and if i miss,I'll still end up among the stars.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-62779383918186822592008-08-23T16:39:00.000-07:002008-12-07T19:04:37.206-08:00Trust and stop waitingI was being nosy,as usual,on facebook when i found his profile.THAT i didn't mind.<br />He still looks good.THAT part didn't even make my heart flutter.<br />His arm is broken.THAT didn't even bother me.<br />He's engaged.THAT knocked the wind outta me.(like literally when someone punches you in the stomache).<br /><br />I mean seriously,WTF! Here's what i can truly say,i wasn't heartbroken,i was just surprised.Nor was i happy,i was really sad. Surprisingly i am also mad.Not at him,i do wish him the best,and I'm sorta glad that he found THE one,but why him and not me?<br /><br />I am absolutely aware that i am sounding selfish.I just cant help thinking that i was the one with the broken heart for a long time.I am a good person that good men fall for.yet,he is ENGAGED,and i am alone.hmm...maybe the status of being "alone" can easily be changed,but what about being "lonely"?<br /><br />Right now,C is trying to give me a whole future scenario about his life where "his wife will be fat,he'll have an average life and he'll never forget me while I'll be strutting my expensive heels with a husband 100 times better than he would have been".hehehe,i do love this girl.<br /><br />I don't really wanna be married right now,that i know for a fact.And i really would rather be the way i am-difficult to fall in love- than to love just anybody.I guess I'll just have to trust..not wait.i'm sick of waiting,i have a life to live and its the only one i'm getting (i'm not THAT special).God has shown me recently that patience is indeed a virtue,and it does pay off eventually...that's when air comes into your lungs again,and life begins.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-30259881155750462502008-08-10T14:24:00.000-07:002008-08-10T15:32:20.454-07:00ChangeWhere the hell did a f***ing month of my life go??i cant believe that I'm already home!the past month passed more like a dream.i was so freakin relaxed and I'm not so glad that I'm back to be honest.I think if i would have stayed for a few more weeks i would have been probably more eager to come back.<br /><br />The thing that i didn't expect the most about my visit was the change of my relationship with my favorite cousin.last time i went to visit i was 16 and he was 18 and we just understood each other.spending time with him was always fun and we both knew that we equally enjoyed each other's company. On this visit however,if he wasn't my cousin,he would be someone i would never want to talk to again!<br /><br />Here's the weird thing:the guy didn't change AT ALL.i know i know,you must be thinking then why don't we still have the same kinda relationship.well,the answer is simple:i grew up.in other words,he still has the mentality of an 18 year old at 22,while my mentality has changed and evolved so uch in 4 years.<br /><br />We had a few fights since we didn't see eye to eye on alot of different issues, and he kept wondering why i have changed.so as usual i went ahead and thought about it.Lets see,in the past 4 years i have:<br />1-Graduated from hight school after a not very easy year.<br />2-Fallen in love and gotten my heart broken for the first time.<br />3-Met every kind of mentality in university and learned how to deal with each.<br />4-busted my a** for 3 years and graduated early with a BA.<br />5-learned how to not take life for granted.<br />6-lost so much,and gained so many lessons.<br />...just to mention a few.<br />So how did he expect me to not change?<br /><br />Anyways,i kept the peace between him and I since i cant blame him for not changing,and i tried to remember the fun the 16 year old me had with him....good times.<br /><br />I spent most of my time with my younger cousins (age range:13 to 18) since everyone closer to my age were either working or in uni.And as much fun as it was cruising around with them and going out to lunch and to watch movies,something was still wrong.After thinking about it,i think that i only enjoyed the part where i could watch them adjust to what they consider to be "cool".I've been there,and I've done that with my own friends during high school and especially 1st year uni.I'm sooo over that."cool" is in my genes now,hehehehe.<br /><br />I'm home now and back the "real world" i guess.but it's about time.i need to finish everything i have to do then go on another adventure.One that will change me even more,but then again,i do welcome change,don't i?Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-58189957828951261382008-08-03T22:59:00.000-07:002008-08-03T23:03:41.885-07:00"Trashy" NovelsAfter placing 2 romance novels in the shopping cart:<br /><br />Mom:why are you buying 2 trashy novels?<br />ME:they are NOT trashy,they are called "romance".<br />Mom:they are TRASHY.<br />Me:what kinda books did you read when you were my age?<br />Mom:trashy novels..Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-81262290745390486632008-07-31T01:03:00.000-07:002008-07-31T01:06:15.349-07:00To the Grandfather I never knew (A Tribute)A few days ago while I was looking around at my entire family (mom’s side) at the reunion, I was thinking of what my grandpa would have thought. I could see my grandma looking at us, but I wondered what the man I never met would have thought of his family coming together 20 years after his death.<br /><br />I never knew how it feels like to have a grandfather, and I often did wonder, but you can’t miss what you never had. Or can you?<br /><br />I was asking grandma today about grandpa. I was curious about him all of a sudden for some odd reason. What I do know is that I was the last of his grandchildren to be born when he died. 5 grandchildren have preceded me, and 13 followed after his death. Grandma filled me in today on the details. Apparently Grandpa was a very stubborn man (I wonder who inherited that gene). He felt bad for quite some time before grandma literally had to force him to go see the doctor. He left one day from work for his doctor’s appointment and he never came back. They found out he had cancer, and although it had already spread, he wanted to give it a fighting chance. 23 hours after his first chemo dosage, he passed away. 10 days have only passed from the diagnosis day leading his death. 10 days. Ironic, isn't it? Gives you a new perspective to the word “time”.<br /><br />Anyway, when they called mom and told her that grandpa was sick and it wasn’t looking too good, she booked the 1st flight she found for both her and me. I was about 8 months old. From what I know is that grandpa was a very strict father, especially with the older kids. With the grand kids, however, he had apparently mellowed out. Grandma told me that last time they had seen my mom was when she was pregnant with me, and that he was really happy to hear that my mom was coming sooner than expected. She said that he was very anxious to see me.<br /><br />He only got to see me once at the hospital. Mom went into his hospital room and put me next to him on the bed. He told her that I will have my dad wrapped around my little finger.<br /><br />I know it’s strange that for 20 years I never felt a connection to this man since technically I don’t know him. But today I found out so much about him and I felt such a crushing loss. And I cried for a man I never knew…excuse me…a man I never “met”. My “grandpa”. I cry for him as I wrote this for dying at the young age of 55. I cry for myself because I never got the chance to form memories of him. I cry because for the first time in my life I am feeling the heartbreak of a grandfather’s loss 20 years after his passing.<br /><br />Wow, it sure hurts to lose a grandfather. But I’m glad I got to know him now. Better late than never if you ask me.<br /><br />Here’s what occurred to me; looking at 19 of us cousins I’m sure that he’d love us all the same. All of us are imperfect (so thankfully very human), some more than others, but we are all family nonetheless. His flesh and blood. Then I try to imagine what he’d think of me particularly. Since I never really knew him, I wasn’t sure that my judgment would be accurate, but from what I gather taking into consideration the info I found out about him, I believe that I know exactly what he would think about me. Proud, he’d tell me.<br /> Damn proud.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-33195147865010652162008-07-27T17:46:00.000-07:002008-07-27T18:25:41.504-07:00Discoveries of a weekend,Passions of a lifetimeEvery once in a while i like to post lessons that I've learned.I post them here just in case i forget.in this one weekend i learned a few lessons just by observing myself and my surroundings,and here is what i have learned and the method by which i have acquired this new knowledge:<br /><br />There was a ride in an amusement park that basically threw you in the air and you stayed suspended there for a few seconds before going down again.i kept staring at the sky and i felt like i could almost touch it.i love the feeling of soaring.<br /><br />There was another ride where your seat was lifted so high you could see the whole city.Now although like most people I'm afraid of heights,as long as i was safe(i.e. strapped in), I loved being up there.i felt like i owned the world.<br /><br />In the small town where I'm at now,one moment there's sun and the weather is moderately hot,the other moment it would start raining and we would run for cover under the big tree.I love the feeling of cool rain drops on my skin.<br /><br />Driving from the city to the town, the sky was cloudy. But although the clouds were very dark, the sun still came through and it looked like curtains made of sunshine...a gateway to heaven.when you drive more towards the darkness, there sppeared a huge rainbow covering the skies and defying darkness.I love and love and love that.<br /><br />I love the fact that i can still lay on my back on the grass and watch the clouds and come up with shapes.i love how looking at a rainbow can keep me smiling.i love catching grandma watching her whole family (children,grandchildren, and great-grandchildren) and marvel how 3 generations gathered at her house are all a product of a her marriage to man who died 20 years ago (my dear grandfather).<br /><br />I love that i'm starting to miss home too..just a little bit but the feeling's there.<br />Mostly,i love how much i'm looking forward to traveling.to leaving and starting a new life.<br />A step closer to independence, and a step farther from carelessness.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-64439191787686800322008-07-17T19:40:00.000-07:002008-07-18T15:29:52.581-07:00Sprinkles of FaithIt’s raining outside now, and I feel good. So damn good actually.<br /><br />I thought that this trip I’m on to the states would be exciting, instead it turned out to be quite relaxing, which thankfully is exactly what I need. I don’t mind the laid back routine I’m having with family. Of course, there are some downfalls, like not being able to do some fun things I was planning on doing since where my mom grew up is basically a small town with nothing to do. Surprisingly, I’m loving it. I mean, I’ve always liked it here, but because of the past year, this break is welcomed in this small town. Another downside is I’m not really missing home. Well, not at all really. Maybe I will by the end of the month, but not today, not now, not at this moment.<br /><br />While being on the other side of the globe, some of my friends are keeping in touch on regular basis, while others surprisingly aren’t. That bothers me to be honest, but oh well, I am currently blessed so I’m going to try to keep complaints to a minimum.<br /><br />Let’s see; so far I’ve sat on a picnic table with my bare feet in moist grass while reading a good book. A really good book containing a lot of descriptions that come from the soul. Ask me about it, I highly recommend it. I’ve gone and seen Natives dancing accompanied by the beat of ancient drums and spiritual songs. It was like a flash back from Pocahontas. I laughed so hard with family to the point where my stomach hurt. I lay down on a couch next to a window that overlooks grandma’s front yard and fell asleep while staring at the heavens and feeling actual peace. I needed this. I NEED this. Relaxation, tranquility, peace.<br /><br />Another thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to forget all the negatives; otherwise known as bad things that I usually never forget; about people. I’m only remembering the good stuff. Moments I laughed with friends, hugged them just for no reason at all, and danced in the middle of nowhere…<br /><br />Thing is, I know that I will be remembering all of this when I get back. I’ll remember broken hearts, tears, disloyalties, and perhaps the feeling of the want to run away again. I miss very few things from my life at home. To be honest, I’m even glad that when I go home, it will only be for a month, although logically speaking, life is going to get harder from then on. That I know for a fact, but I welcome it. I welcome independence. I welcome freedom. I welcome the future.<br /><br />I don’t want to even think about my family back home right now. Makes me feel a little guilty, but I’m too relaxed to care. I’ve missed feeling like this. Content. I gotta try to visit more often. Family members over here are growing so fast, things are changing a lot and I hate missing it. Perhaps Christmas of ’09. '<br /><br />Now that I’m done with my BA, I’m looking back and realizing a lot of things that I’ve planned haven’t worked out the way I wanted them to, but then again, many other things- granted, after a lot of hard work- have worked out better than I expected. I worked hard and so I’ve earned everything I have in my life now. I thank a lot of people for their help. I thank a few for their prayers. I thank God for it all.<br /><br />Serenity, wisdom and courage sprinkled with a little bit of faith is all it takes.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-91217066312883418822008-06-23T13:33:00.000-07:002008-06-23T13:39:05.491-07:00UnhappyI was wondering why i keep a blog lately.I figured that i like having memories of when i was happy and the times in between.<br />I'm there now,the inbetweeness of the happy intervals of my life.wow,as soon as i get optimistic things go down pretty quick.I wonder why...don't i deserve to be happy?i work hard,i have faith, and i TRY to stay optimistic?<br /><br />I hurt,i ache,i cry...and its all because of nothing that I've done.Shall i wait for karma to set things straight?but i don't really wish anybody any harm!then why the hell is this happening to me??<br /><br />I want to be happy...is that too much to ask?<br />apparently so.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-87680211144759557702008-06-21T14:19:00.000-07:002008-06-21T14:40:31.988-07:00Quotes 2here are a few more just so i wont forget:<br /><br />Director:thanks for taking alot of shit for me during the play producer.<br />Me:you know what director,you're worth it.<br />Director:aha,it's the ass isn't it?<br /><br />Mina:can i have your pink little bear?<br />Me:no.<br />Mina:why?<br />Me:cuz it's mine,i got it as a gift.<br />Mina:please?<br />Me:nooo.<br />Mina:*grabs bear from my hand and walks away*thank you!<br />Me:*jaw dropping*<br />Mom:she's just like you,stubborn as hell.<br /><br />Me:dude,why wont they let you take a flat?<br />Batata:they say it's only for couples.let's pretend to be lesbians and move in together.<br />Me:ahhh....ok..<br />Batata:and if they start suspecting we'll make out in the lobby.<br /><br />My bro:why wont you keep the door to your room open so it wont be so hot?<br />Me:i'm watching aladdin on full volume,i dont wanna lower it.<br />My bro:OMG.are you serious?your watching a movie about a guy who flies on a rug??<br />Me:you still watch tom and jerry.<br />My bro:TOM AND JERRY IS REAL!!!!Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-35637201011834290842008-06-19T14:24:00.000-07:002008-06-19T15:12:31.759-07:00Mainly 3 things.She says, "I wanna die, i seriously don't wanna live anymore".<br />He says, "I'm fed up, I'm leaving for good, no more of this."<br />She says, "my life is going to be so empty,i dunno what I'm going to do".<br />So many strong feelings that i have no comments for.Makes me kinda think how lucky i am when I'm down for different reasons.Or maybe its just as bad for each and every one of us although we don't share the same situation.<br /><br />Lately i have been enjoying those small twinges of excitement that I've been getting.they are small,faint,barely lasting for a few second, but they are there. and that's alot compared to how I've been for a long time.Thank God.<br /><br />Touching on another subject, I'm a firm believer in the whole "do what you wanna do" thing.but that also means,specially for adults, that they need to prioritise, sometimes (not always) compromise if they want people around in their lives, and most importantly understand that there are consequences for actions.IF and only IF all of what is mentioned is applied, then by all means, do what you wanna do. Just remember, if you make the wrong choices, then either wake up and pay your dues, or lose everything you have.That will be your choice and your choice only.No one makes decisions for you.Don't blame the world,blame yourself.It's not the end of the work,unless you DECIDE not to learn.Most importantly,make a choice,or else,whether you like it or not, life will make one for you.the harsh truth is,life goes on whether we like it or not,which is a mixed blessing.<br /><br />I've been thinking lately about what i want in my life in,say, the next 5 years.I stopped thinking about love and romance (they'll come when they come), but more as in where i see ME,not people around me.So i set a few goals,the top three are those:<br />1-A nice house of my own.<br />2-Enough money to pay for a second MA.<br />3-$500 Loubitoun shoes.<br /><br />I know what your thinking,but what can i say,I'm a girl and i love shoes :) besides, my daddy always says as long as your able, don't be too cheap when it comes to yourself,you only live once.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-43958863393373177642008-06-12T17:00:00.000-07:002008-06-21T12:32:28.811-07:00TryI'm writing this in less than a week from my last exam.In a way,I've been looking forward to being done with all the BS that I've been going through for the past semester.But now that its all over its like I've been looking around thinking now what?<br />Now i know is that the good thing i can catch up on reading the many books I've bought that have been collecting dust (an insult) for a while now.also,maybe i can get reintroduced to the concept of television,which i do miss.<br /><br />Its been no secret that I've gone through a shitty phase during my last term,and one that i really wanted to write about but didn't get a chance to was a certain Australian friend whom i really appreciated but acted like such a child recently.I've found out that such a behavior puts me off people.i mean,there's still such a thing as common courtesy,right?<br /><br />Another thing is that lately,thankfully God has been giving me what i deserve...in the good sense,<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">lol</span>.Now that my dreams are so close i can almost touch them if i reach out...they are there,i can see them clearly,i can stop DREAMING <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">cuz</span> they are actually materialising in front of my eyes....sad thing is that it seems I've gotten used to getting disappointed and not expecting anything outta life that I've forgotten how to feel pleasure.Small things in life i still treasure, but the big things where I'm supposed to get all excited and jumpy...i just get very passive.If that is the correct word,let me try to explain it,whatever the result is-good in this case-i just state it as if it was something that was supposed to happen in the 1st place.its like if i get too happy someone might take it away from me.That seems to be a pattern in my life,things I've loved then lost for reasons that are just not good enough...doc,my best friend,my dog...etc.<br /><br />Then again,thank God for the many blessings in my life that He ensures to keep.<br /><br />I was talking to C a while back about all of this and we figured out the following:<br />I'm at the no-identity "what now?" phase.I'm cleansing.Accepting the fact that <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">I'm</span> an adult and that <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">I've</span> earned everything <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">I'm</span> getting.Living for no purpose for a few weeks.to RELAX.<br /><br />Well,<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">I'm</span> gonna try...<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">I'm</span> sure gonna damn try.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-85152483565442980212008-05-16T05:32:00.000-07:002008-06-21T12:30:19.633-07:00Lock me in a room and throw away the keyI'm going through one of THOSE times.you know what <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">I'm</span> talking about;the ones where life deals you a bad card every couple of hours.<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Basically</span>,you're in so much shit so fast that you forget when was the last time you took a breath.<br /><br />I could cry,or could i?<br />I could fly,or could i?<br />I could die,or could i?<br /><br />Possibly,but at this time,even if i wanted to,life will find a way of screwing things up.God will grant me <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Patience</span> and this shall pass,that i know.the trick,however,is for everything to pass without me having a mental breakdown.<br /><br />I got my self in trouble with the Australian,almost with the English,with the skinny bitch,<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">with</span> professors,with the play...and the list goes on.what bothers me also is that i miss my "<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">best friend</span>" and i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">don't</span> wanna tell her.<br /><br />Now here's the question:am i screwing up so much,or is life just screwing me over?<br />Saudi says maybe its both.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-90378684507571360882008-05-01T15:55:00.000-07:002008-05-01T17:19:07.715-07:00QuotesThere are many quotes out there said by famous people that i absolutely love. My favorites however, are ones that are said by friends. I regret not doing this before, but lately i have started saving things that my friends have been saying. some are absolutely halarious. Most however, are extremely inspirational.Enjoy.<br /><br /><br />"Ya jama3a,malkom?ed7ako!El 7aya 7elweh" Shoosh<br /><br />"Ana ma ba5bot el sayarat!bas babooshom!" M<br /><br />"In reality we are just bullshitters... el kul 5ayef 3a ro7o o wad3o,mafi 3inna nas ta3teeki el 7aki men el 2a5er"Bush The Mush<br /><br />"Medicore minds have always judged great ones,and you my darling are a great one" C<br /><br />"I'm bringing bitchy back!"C<br /><br />"so lsn if anyone asks u deny this but i just picked the song im dancing to with my dad on my wedding day...well one of my wedding days if i stay crazy bitch like this."C<br /><br />"SARCASM IS UR OXYGEN ISNT IT?"C<br /><br />"tell him to get me designer shoes and ill make him a very happy man, tell him the way to ur heart is through me...if he gets the matching purse then ill Godmother ur children" C<br />"ana bolbol arabi!" Frenchy<br /><br />"Being mixed is bittersweet,it can be both a gift and a curse" Saudi<br /><br />"waja3!hassa bafga3ek 5amsawy 2o ba7et snoonek!" Q<br /><br />"tfooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Garaba<br /><br />"so you know the big brother in 'prison break'?they will kill him using electricity and he has to wear a diaper!!" Mina<br /><br />"You dream too much prima.Dont dream,just do it!" Junior<br /><br />ME:are you alright?<br />Tfeely:esma3y! .. (line goes dead..i'm thinking,hmm,ok...).<br />Tafeely:(calling back)hey,what was the last thing u heard?<br />ME:esma3y.<br />Tafeely:2o ana sarly sa3a batale3 elly begalby tle3et basoolef ma3 7aly??!!ME:hehehehehehehehehehe<br /><br />Mina:I'm stupid.<br />Me:why?<br />Mina:cuz i solved the math problem correctly then i changed it and it turned out to be wrong!<br />Me:wow,you really are stupid.<br />Mina:HEY!you were supposed to say something nice!<br /><br />Me:how do you stop yourself from falling for someone,yet still remain "friends" with them?<br />Saudi:I remember how fucked up people are,and how they don’t deserve to be close to me,because when someone is that close they have a direct shot at my heart.<br /><br />ME:did u have fun at the birthday party today?<br />Mina:well,not at the beginning,the lady responsible said we couldn’t go out of the play room.<br />ME:well,why would u wanna go out?did u wanna run around?<br />Mina:we're kids!ofcourse we do!<br /><br />"When you suspect that something might start developing, it probably already has" Batata<br /><br />"all u got is a sexy butt and a sarcastic attitude!" Batata<br /><br />"I hope you dance AJ…broken heart or not" C<br /><br />"First do what you gotta, then do what you wanna" B<br /><br />"AJ, u r a great great girl with so much potential and goodness inside of u. U have the strength of the most raging rivers in the world and if u set ur mind to it u will accomplish everything u ever dreamt of and more. U also have the light of the brightest stars inside there and just because u seem to miss it doesnt mean it isnt there, trust me I KNOW its there more than I know my own name I have seen it in countless time. I am not saying this to be a good friend or even as C ur rock, im saying this from a totally neutral viewpoint. However, I want u to remember its going to suck A LOT but in the end it is going to be great also A LOT, when it isnt okay then its definitely not the end. God is a being of love and compassion and He will always reward those who deserve it, and baby small mistakes dont compare to ur greater good so u do deserve it. Lastly, I love u and I thank God i have had both the immense honor and pleasure of knowing you and being ur friend." C<br /><br />Me:how do you know?how do you know when to tell me what i need to hear even when i'm trying to act ok?<br />C:well,i have a funny stomach and so do u and u cannot control ur funny stomach so ur funny stomach tells my funny stomach afterhwich my funny stomach tells me.<br /><br />"3najd neyalek, ana ba7sedek that u have best friend be zaka2i!marat baseer a7ky ya raytek fe mostaway el 3aqly...marrat mo dayman." M<br /><br />"Holla at ma gurl all tight in her love nest doinall sortsa love nesty thangs!Sweet spit be wishin her shorty a hot and sweaty good night all the way from the relief room once again!watch out for the shawty and sweet spit epic movie comin out this winter in a theatre near you,all da way from the sent items yow!my cell phone be hollerin atcha too tellin you it be missin u and ur button pushin, know warram sayin?!" Batata<br /><br />"talj talj aaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,talj talj,aaaaaaaaaaaaaah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" M<br /><br />"I'm so happy to have met you shorty.you're one of my biggest highlights of '07.I hope our friendship lasts forever,even if bahraini girl doesnt approve.love you and here's to a great '08!" Saudi<br /><br />"I really love you and appreciate that i've met you and you're in my life, you are really special to me and so close to my heart,always know that!" Batata<br /><br />"Have a super duper great first day of your last term. we all love you but i love you best." C<br /><br />"I like you random" B<br /><br />"Aysh ya shagfeh!fe majal la 3olaga?lama7tek elyoum 3end bagalet abu el 3abed 2o ba3ed ma tabadalna al nazarat adraket ennek 7ob 7ayaty..yeslamooly el rmoosh!" M<br /><br />"yo shawty,its not ur birthday,we gonna party like its your birthday though..know warram sayin girl?be all up in ur grill and shit,you be like,bitch pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!" Batata<br /><br />"It only takes one meeting babe..you're something else" B<br /><br />"Heartache does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.it empties today of its strength.suck it up,walk tall!" B<br /><br />Me:you should be lucky that i even talk to you.<br />B:oh really?<br />Me:yup.anyways,what r u doing?<br />B:I'm busy being lucky.<br /><br />"Hi.fe majal awag3ek fe shabky?" M<br /><br />B:Wise one,bless us with ur endless wisdom.<br />Me:Proceed and ask my son,for i am a kind (and attractive) master.what is it that you seek?tell me of your trouble my child.<br />B:Her essence poisons my mind..he touch is of grace and her smile is sun over my never ending dark clouds.yet...she is so far and i am...here.<br />Me:Ah yes.Many young (3a asas) en such as urself have come to me with the same kind of disease.This witch has cursed you my child.it is but an expensive price to pay for a cure.<br />B:A cure knows no price.speak ur wisdom!<br />Me:well..oh slave of my will..you have one of 2 options.1-u either distance urself from this mesmerising maiden and take ur chances of tasting hell's fires till you forget her,or you must capture she whom you desire and hope (she you cannot force her) to tame her.I have spoken my blessed wisdom child.Now,you shall make a choice that will doom you both ways,exept that one hell burns in a sweeter form than another.<br />(the next day)B:Just got Diagnosed with pneumonia because of ur curse.I still cant breathe and I hate you with a passion.<br /><br />those are only a few and hopefully i'll be posting more someday.These make me laugh and cry..and they all form memories.I hope i never forget.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-42611810541086994292008-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:002008-04-27T14:27:50.896-07:00The three lessonsI have learned 3 important lesson this semester,and being that it is my final (inshallah) semester, they are important lessons.Here they are:<br /><br />1-There is no such thing as a best friend.<br />I mean,sure,u\you have a bunch of close friends who you love and are always around you.But one single best friend that you can always count on no matter what..well,that just doesn't exist.<br /><br />2-I do no wish to be married until I absolutely have to (AKA when i want to have kids).<br />I was never against marriage,but looking around i don't see a single good one around me.I know myself,I'm the type that would get married as soon as i fall i love,and i definitely want to have children.The sad part is though,i know i will be unhappy on the long run,and this is one thing that i wish life will prove wrong.<br /><br />3-I will never have a dog.<br />This is for 2 reasons:the first is I'm allergic.the second is that dogs are way better than humans.they are more fun,friendly and most importantly loyal.perhaps only they can qualify to be a person's best friend.Dad is making me give Sam up..i get tears in my eyes every time i think about it.<br /><br />Perhaps these lessons will change in time..hopefully.<br />that's it for now.PeaceAngel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-84577754853448096462008-04-25T14:34:00.000-07:002008-04-25T14:55:33.730-07:00A PrayerDear God,<br /><br />I know i haven't been doing well in the "thanking you" department. But i do try. I try to thank you no matter what happens to me...so i do try.<br /><br />I have been very tired as you well know.It has been literally one of the worst semesters ever (except if you wanna count the first summer semester i had).I just cant seem to catch a break. A part of me likes being constantly busy because i know that the alternative would be worse.I want to get acceptances to the universities i applied to,i want to graduate and enjoy at least one month vacation in the states.I want to not have to worry about money for school or living expenses when i travel.I'm excited though..i really wanna travel.see the world,get an MA,all that jazz.<br /><br />I know that as much as things have been hard for me lately, you have helped me in so many ways. I have met amazing new friends,thing are looking good concerning my travelling decisions and most importantly i have been able to make very tough decisions that i know will be good for me on the long run.I owe everything to you and i have no regrets.<br /><br />God all i ask of you is to listen when i talk to you..and whether i forget to say it out loud sometimes or not,Thank you.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-44933054527638835752008-02-22T06:41:00.000-08:002008-02-22T07:52:24.184-08:00I am a good personI am a good person.Not perfect,not a saint.but a good person.<br />My imperfections or flaws include:a bad temper,being blunt,sometimes a bit too loud,and sometimes a bit too quiet,a cold stare and those are only to mention of few.<br />but i am a good person.flawed as much as the next human being.A good person.<br /><br />I am a good person.i know what i want in life.i work hard for what i want.i screw up from time to time,but i let no one and nothing break me.i stand tall and respect a major part of my life.<br /><br />I am a good person.i love other's passionately.i don't hate.people i dislike I'd rather stay away from.i don't look for trouble and i never intentionally hurt anyone.i am strong.i am loyal.<br /><br />I am a good person.my friends and family mean the world to me.my independence equals my happiness.i believe in God,though perhaps not "religious".I believe in love even if i did get my heart broken.<br /><br />I am a good person.i try to learn from my mistakes,i try not to make mistakes too often.i still think making mistakes in healthy,and I'm still young and loving it.<br /><br />I am a good person.i think that health is the most important thing in life.I get screwed over by my friends from time to time,yet i believe that people are good in nature.when i make a decision i stick to it.<br /><br />I am a good person.I am the most sarcastic person i know.small things in life amuse me.i love to laugh.i love to be there for people when they need me,even if they were never there for me.<br /><br />I am a good person.<br />I will have a good life.<br />I will have to make tough decisions regarding my life soon.<br />"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference."<br />AmenAngel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-41605562843966356282008-01-01T14:21:00.000-08:002008-01-03T11:28:51.484-08:00Lessons '07I think we enter each year with optimism.Although we might say that life gets worse with time,but each of us has this tiny hope that the following year will be better than the previous one.<br />I have created this blog exactly 1 year ago,and in order to write this one on the first day of the new year,i went back to read all 23 posts that i have written in the past year.<br />now ladies and gentlemen,here are some of the lessons that i have learned in 2007:<br /><br />i learned that there are 2 kinds of routine:the kind that kills so much that u just wanna leave the country,and the comfortable kind that u like doing daily(and that u'll probably miss when you do leave the country).i learned that giving up a fight is not the same as walking away,in the first case ur just fed up of trying so hard and getting nothing in return,but you are still there.in the second case,you've just given up on a relationship(of any kind).<br /><br />i learned that you can have a friend in another country that can become as close to you as if u've basically known each other for years,and when that friend comes to ur country to see u,u just know ur friendship is going to last forever.i learned that people change,some in a good way that you can deal with,others in a way that makes you not wanna be around them anymore.<br /><br />i learned that although i'm not really looking into a teaching career,i do tend to enjoy it from time to time.i learned that i like working and saving up money and not worry about running out of it.i learned that i like the whole process of opening a bank account and owning a visa card and all the responsibilities that comes with that.i learned that i love nothing more than making new friends.<br /><br />i learned to understand the difference between love and infatuation.i learned that although i slip from time to time,i'm human and regret to some extent is healthy.i learned not to compromise or settle when i don't have to.i learned that nothing is more important that friendship.<br /><br />i learned that a simple word from my father can make me happy.i learned that i enjoy having long conversations with my mother,preferably over lunch.i learned that my best friend can manage to shock me by stepping in and defending me (which i allow no one to do),even if it means by the use of poetry.<br /><br />i learned that you cant really plan when u hit rock bottom,u just pray it happens with the right people around.i learned that nature is a proof of God's existance.i learned that a word from my professors can either make or break my day.i learned that i love,and currently miss,being "the" nerd.i learned that i love room service.i learned that i love racing the speed of light.<br /><br />i learned that i love talking to my sister.i learned that my brother actually has a sort of sense of humor.i learned that i love laughing to the point where i cant breathe.i learned that i am not a typical arab girl (for example marriage issues depress me).i learned that i love to write,specially in my sarcastic corner at my uni's magazine.<br /><br />i learned that paying for things from my own pockets instead of taking the money from my daddy hurts.i learned that i do need tough love from time to time.i learned how to view death in a different manner.i learned that time is proof of love.i learned that i love to travel.i learned that i'm more ready to get some things done than i thought i was.<br /><br />i learned that i'm a sucker..big time.i learned that small things in life pretty do amuse me.i learned that my eyes apparently speak a language of their own.i learned that things like hot coco or cookies can make me feel good.i learned that when i cry(since its rarely done),my eyes get all poofy and hurt for a few days...fair price to pay.i learned that friends can tell u things to reveal their true identity,whether in a positive or negative way.i learned that friends should never lose faith in you.<br /><br />i learned that a smile is very contagious.i learned that i love to slow dance.i learned that although i work well under pressure,i'm still constantly exhausted and thus in need of break.i learned that i miss being tough on the outside,although i love knowing that i still am on the inside.i learned that life goes on whether we want it to or not.i learned that the future is coming whether we plan it our way or not.i learned that the key to life is to work hard,believe in God,and hope for the best.<br /><br />the rest,ladies and gentlemen,is history.<br />here's to 2008,cheers..Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-5923984069891985782007-12-17T14:22:00.000-08:002007-12-18T16:23:38.192-08:00A series of unfortunate events my A**!So,my car is supposed to be "well taken care of",right?<br />WRONG!<br />I got fed up about a month ago when it needed to be fixed because something (every time a different thing) would go wrong,so instead of the usual mechanic- and dad's life long friend-i called my uncle up and told him to take Sally and fix her up once and for all.<br /><br />He did.wanna know what he said?<br />"who the hell used to fix your car before??it's like all he did was glue everything back together instead of actually fix anything!it's a wonder that you can still drive it around"...so mechanically speaking,Sally is a miracle.<br /><br />Anyhow,he fixes her up,and she comes back as good as new,i thank my uncle often,but then he keeps saying that i shouldn't thank him since my dad had to pay alot in order to get my car fixed.<br />problem number 1 over thankfully.<br /><br />Since my method of transportation was up and running beautifully,my cell phone's screen stopped working.i initially blamed myself since i was planning on changing the cover so i figured maybe that had led to the problem.then my whole cellphone wouldn't turn on..but whatever,right?i was gonna fix it anyway.<br />so i take it to this cellphone place (recommended by my friend "ya3 ya3") and tell the dude what the problem is.All is good,he said he'll call later that day to tell me what the cost will be and when it will be ready,which was supposed to be the following day.<br />dude calls THE NEXT DAY,says the phone needs an extra day,that everything on it including sentimental msgs and all of my phonebook will be erased.plus all the events stored on my calender.i got bummed..but anyways,i love my phone and i figured what the hell...it happens...<br /><br />I paid 25 jds, which granted is alot,but my phone looked good and i tried to think of it as brand new,so 2nd problem solved at last.<br /><br />a few weeks ago,the battery in my car stops working.so no biggie,right?i call up a friend and after a half hour of searching (poor soul),he finds a cable,my car is charged,and all goes well,right?<br />WRONG!<br />dad kept nagging me to get a cable for my car,INCASE this incident is repeated,i wouldn't have as much trouble.<br />so a few days later,no battery again and no cable...2 of my friends look for half an hour a more than one place to try to find a cable.they pay 13 jds for a "good" one and charge my car.next day,i take money from the bank and buy a new battery.<br />3rd problem solved too.<br /><br />my cell phone's screen isn't working again.i go to the same place they say its a different problem so a refund is out of the question.i go to another place they said that the problem is has now cant be fixed.<br />of course,all this happens after i manage to restore over 80% of my phonebook.<br />after juggling my sim card between 2 phones belonging to 2 of my friends,i take money from the bank and buy a new phone.<br />a5 a5 a5...problem 4 over with.<br /><br />2 days ago,i turn on my computer and it refuses to get to windows.so today,the dude who fixes computers came over and basically said that my hard disk was "worn out".after he installed a new one,programmed my whole computer again,and fixed a few hard ware glitches here and there,he proceeded to tell me that my old hard disk should be thrown away along with hundreds of photos and songs and files collected over 4 years.<br /><br />dad told me tonight that i should "ada7y" (sacrifice a lamb) during this Holiday because this much "bad luck" was unhealthy since everything happened in one month.i was thinking more of the word "expensive" rather than unlucky.<br />i was complaining how fed up i am getting to my mom,and what does she have to say?<br />"you have to look at the glass half full"...oh BOOHOO!!<br />the glass is freaking half full..OF SHIT!Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-5581957039093206322007-12-09T11:47:00.000-08:002007-12-09T14:13:13.960-08:00The "jojo" ComplexI have a problem.well,actually,its not really MY problem.it's more of the fact that somebody else's complex is causing me problem.<br /><br />since i have decided to talk about "the" problem in this entry,i shall begin by explaining why I'm feeling so aggravated lately.<br />if life is a person,then i feel that this person is laughing so hard right now,pointing at me and mocking me.why you ask?<br />here's the thing:i take pride in being a tough person.as much as it hurts,I'm the "do what you gotta do" kinda girl.i hate it sometimes,but generally speaking i know that this is a positive thing about me.however,what made me tough are experiences that I've been through in my teens.those experiences also left me with certain "trust issues".i realize that this is a problem,but i somehow learned (with alot of time and patience that i never knew i could come up with) how to give away my trust,but only to people who earn it.those people,i usually have to decide,are worth giving my trust for...are worth fighting for...are worth loving.<br /><br />so back to why life is mocking me:you see,there are many people with issues,kinda like my trust issues,however,there's one that's quite rare in people.i like to call it the "jojo" complex.this complex is characterised as follows:normal people who absolutely love you.no doubt there.now problem is,when they get really close to you,somehow they feel "threatened" or "suffocated".some say this happens because they don't like to show people how close they are to them,others might argue that its just an unnatural reaction that they have no solution for.<br />I,ladies and gentlemen,happen to know 2 people who suffer from this complex.and believe you me when i say,not just ANY 2 people.my best friend and my main man.yup...you read that correctly.now do you blame life for laughing at me?<br />this is the one thing that I've tried to protect myself from my whole life.the "tough bitch" may be as tough as freakin hell..and yet,so vulnerable when i love somebody.it's funny that in college,i realised my best friend had this problem where she keeps coming and going,depending how she feels,and she expects,i quote"to find her place still there" when she decides to get close again.i wonder if she knows how much she's missing in these precious moments while she's g0ne.ofcourse,i do update her,but its very different than actually being there.<br /><br />my main man suffers from this too.i think life expects me to be angry at him(or her),but honestly speaking I'm not.i admire a person who can look me in the eyes and tell me that they have a problem.he did,and i still love him so freakin much.problem is,this is not MY complex to solve,it's theirs.I'm glad to report that they both know this.they both hurt when they hurt others with this problem of theirs.they also both realise that a solution must be found in order to establish a sense of normalcy in their futures.<br /><br />As for me,well,i already said what I'm going to do with my best friend in a previous entry,I've stopped fighting,but I'm still there as promised.now as for my main man,we've been taking a form of a "break".this break gives him time to think since I'm giving him space.i explained to him however,that whatever he comes up with when this break is over,he only gets ONE chance.this is my defense mechanism.i am currently hurt which is to be expected,but i shall allow no one to break me,i am anything but a statistic...although i do miss him everyday.I see him,but it's like he's not there.<br />i respect however that he has some issues to go through,and i pray to God for his sake,if not for mine,that he will find a solution.<br /><br />Same prayer goes towards my best friend.<br />i leave soon so time is one luxury i cannot afford.it's passing so fast and as long as I'm still here,still with them,i want to be happy.i want them to be happy.i want it all,or nothing at all.<br />since I'm not asking for much,there will be no settling and no compromising.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7028024074174431370.post-25287244978465542022007-11-06T13:11:00.000-08:002007-11-06T14:08:24.518-08:00On why I hate my birthdaySo exactly a month ago i hit the big 20. I was expected to get all excited about it,but i wasn't.I'm still not at that age where i dread my birthday,i mean,i don't fear getting older...at least not yet.It's just that i keep comparing my birthdays during the 1st ten years of my life,and the birthdays during the 2nd ten years and here's what i came up with:<br />first ten years is when i was the princess of the ball on the 6th of October...promises of a pretty dress,a paper tiara,a huge birthday party and huge bag filled with barbies,kitchen sets and hottest dolls at the time always got fullfilled.<br />in the second ten years there was..well,nothing except for an exception here and there.one example is the huge "sweet sixteen" birthday party i had,and an attempt to "surprise" me for my 19th birthday was one of the sweetest things that my friends have ever tried to do for me.But other than that...well,my birthday was just another day where i got older,and in some ways less happier.<br />Maybe i was expecting too much,maybe i though that my special day will always be special...like the one day in the whole year that's all about me.to be happy..or not to be.<br /><br />Anyways,i bitched about how much i hate my birthday for like a month before,what was cute however is how much my friends "nagged" on me to go out for at least a meal.they said it would be fun and the poor souls were more happier than the birthday girl could ever be about that "occasion"...and my bitchy self replied as usual: "but i freakin HATE my birthday!".they got what they wanted anyway...damn i love my nagging friends.<br /><br />so after alot of nagging and some resistance from me,they got what they wanted. we agreed to meet up for a few hours for a meal (which was anyway all i could manage to arrange with my parents),and i chose to invite people in...well...as batata likes to say "quality not quantity".<br /><br />Sitting at the head of the table,i stared at some (i'm only mentioning 4 of them for now) of my "favorite people" and thinking back,here's what i saw:<br />Batata's main squeeze:he bugs the shit out of me!but i wouldn't trade that sweetheart for the world.i mean sure,when he opens his mouth hell breaks loose...and yet,he seems to be the 1st to notice when someone is missing from the room...he's there,constantly,annoying and all,i mean i bicker alot with him,but there's that special moment when he hugs me...after being pissed at him,receiving that hug pretty much makes my day.<br />Batata:that girl's been questioning her importance in the world and damn she sure doesn't know....i mean,granted,she's internally blonde and gets ALOT of my "are you serious!" looks,she has no clue what she means to me.she's THE sweet spit of my life...hehe,she's special just for being who she is,I'm not so sure i can describe her in words,but I'm going to give it a try concerning her heart:kind,warm and whiter than snow.one love suga...<br />My best friend:we've been through hell and back together.sure our relationship might not be the same,but its there which is a miracle in itself,hehehe.her "place" in my heart is still the same and as far as I'm concerned will not change.I'm keeping my promise about not fighting anymore,but she's still my future neighbor,and i'm her future FREE baby sitter.I love you,and remember,I'm still here,and I'll be right next to you in prison.<br />My main man:what do i say about him...its "strange" but many people have already described our relationship as that,hehe.you get me,"i loooooooove u"...and hopefully,while we're dancing,u can spin me and dip me,but never let me fall.<br /><br />Confession:for the 1st time in 20 years,I'm having thoughts of wanting to stay...weird.<br />I'm blessed in the sense that when it comes to major decisions in my life,i follow my mind,not my heart...but here's another confession:<br />As the plane takes off next year,and i remember all that I'm leaving behind and hoping to keep,my mind will quiet down giving my broken heart a chance to ache at its full potential.<br />Right now,i try not to think much of the future while i prepare for it.i cherish moments spent with my friends,i cherish their smiles,and i want to hug their pain away.No matter what happens,we share memories,and that in my opinion is priceless.Angel Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16810108978188578450noreply@blogger.com3