Un named

About them,About me

2010-03-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

She makes me happy.She also confuses me.I love her too much for my own good i think, but then again,don't all sisters love each other like that? I guess so. Sometimes i want to hug her and keep her protected in my arms forever.Someday she will be taller than i am,prettier and smarter. I will still kiss her on the cheek and call her my baby.
I came home a couple of weeks ago to see her smiling and overly hyper. Her eyes smiled, her face smiled, her whole being smiled. I asked her what was up, and she shyly whispered to me in all of her 10 year old innocence that she got to speak with her "boyfriend". Her first love. Her childhood friend. She had a "date" to speak to him again the next day, she was so excited she barely could fall asleep. If i could summarize all the wonderful moments that are worth living on this earth, I would summarize them in the innocent smile of a 10 year old falling in love.

This other girl. She's fresh, young, rebellious. I might like her a little more than everyone else because she reminds me of my younger self. She had this brilliant future ahead of her, full of many smiles, rides across countries and a string of boys with broken hearts along the way.It was her destiny....or perhaps not.
Just like everyone her age, she makes mistakes and hopefully learns from them. I made mistakes when i was her age, but i was very lucky...or at least much luckier than she is. I'm sure she'll be OK, but what kind of cruel lesson is life trying to teach her? She's alone. She 14. She's pregnant.

He's already 30. Not too young but also still young enough, especially for a guy. He is much better than he thinks he is, he doesn't want pity, and i don't want to give him pity. I would just like to show him the potential that i know he has, and the potential that he suspects that he has.
I understand him when he tries to summarize himself for me...he keeps it simple, just the way i like it. He tells me: I just want to write. And all i wanna do? Memorize everything he writes.

What's wrong with her? She always used to wonder. Till the doctors gave her the answers. She felt she was going insane, but now her doctors control her mind disease by pumping her with meds. It keeps the darkness from consuming her. And yet, she still tries to smile.Tries is the key word here.
She wants to figure life out, some things are too close for comfort for her, simple things, like getting close to other human beings. She's only 22.She just wants to write too. She's me.

An Ode To Roger

2010-01-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

A few months ago,i tried my luck by buying a hamster.Then a few weeks after that i bought another one to keep the first one company.They are stinky,they eat alot and they are noisy.But i loved them both.
Yesterday i came home to find that my first hamster, an orange one called Roger, was barely moving. He was still alive,but he was also dying. I wrapped him up,tried to feed him...nothing worked.I could feel his tiny little heart beats go slow. I shed a few tears,and i think mina's heart was broken. She told me to try to save him,to take him to work with me and take care of him.
I wrapped his little body trying to keep him warm and put him back in his cage. I didnt have the guts to see if he was ok this morning, so i left for work without checking up on him.My little sister called me int he afternoon to tell me that Charlee,my other female hamster, had chewed roger's head off after he died. Ofcourse being the coward that i am,i told them to clean up the mess before i got home.I told them to throw Roger's mutilated body away.I dont even wanna keep Charlee anymore.

Ofcourse as much as it hurts me,i shouldnt be shocked. I tend to usually lose anything that i love.Apparently my love is a curse.lol.I've been dreaming lately that i'm having kids,and everytime i either drop the baby,or just dont love it.This scares the bloody s*** outta me,especially since i'm the one who's expected to be a good mom.Here's the thing though,no matter how many dreams i have,or nightmares in this case, i know that when i get what i want,whether ready or not,i will love them with every single beat of my heart.And you too will do that my friens,even if you dont think so.

The thing is even after i spent the night of new year's eve at home(AGAIN), i still made sure to put on a smile next day,put on a cheery song, and rememeber that i can always better my life if i choose to.

I work now so my life has gotten a little more...on the slow pace.I'm making money though which feels good,although i do work long hours. I will try to travel to see the world with the money i save since i'm still single and young enough to do so.
I decided that this time i will not make any new year resolutions,i will live my life as it comes so i wont face any disappointments.I will do my best.I'm going to keep moving on and going strong.
So 2010....i'm already gone.

Think not

2009-12-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

Every single blog entry of mine,or almost all of them, have 2 things in common.First,i seem to talk about all the changes that happened in my life. Second, i tend to thank God every chance i get for the little blessings that seem to linger in my life. The first point remains naturally the same, we all change as life throws its curves at us, however the second is not going to be exactly the same anymore. This entry will deal with broken promises, ending relationships, and a changed perspective of faith.

Starting on a positive note,i got my masters with merit,and i received an A for my dissertation. My hard work didn't go to waste thankfully. I came back home 3 months ago, and the first job i applied to i got,with a great salary too if i may add. Now to everyone around me i seem to have the perfect life,except that..well,me being me,i get bored way too quickly. Still,at this point of my life,it's all good.However,I'm sick of drama. This is why i reached a point where I'm sick of friendship.Don't get me wrong,i still love all my friends and I'm willing to help them anyway i can and anytime they need me,however,since most of them intentionally spice up their life by adding some drama,I'm not willing to participate this time. My "ex" best friend put my life in so much drama for so long that i currently have a negative reaction for it. It's OK if my life was a bit boring with routine,i can live with that,but no more drama please.at least not for a while.

You might be wondering why i had "ex" between quotation marks, and so this brings me to the subject of broken promises. I should really stop promising myself stuff. For example,my ex best friend is my best friend again.Granted,out relationship will never be exactly that same way it was a few years back,but I'm glad she's back since its like a missing part of my life came back.This includes the promise i made saying that if i leave the country I'll never come back....well here i am!meh....that's a long story i don't wanna get into.but in a nutshell,no more promises.

I feel kinda guilty for not writing in my blog for such a long time. After much nagging from a new friend i made here i am again. The thing is my blog seems to portray a side of me that not many people see...and i guess i prefer to keep it that way. Speaking of that new friend of mine,let's call him m3allem for namesake, is married and believe it or not as an Arab he is in an open relationship! I have to say that although i don't necessarily agree on the concept,i respect his courage to say it out loud. Funny thing about this new friend is that i have absolutely nothing in common with him.yet we are friends.Oh well,it seems to somehow work. what's interesting is that he reminds me of another friend of mine in the sense that this guy can pour his heart out when he writes. He even wrote something that i read for his wife and that i absolutely love. The thing is,i have a friend who wrote and read poetry for me,and its weird how i always said that I'd marry a guy who could write poetry for me,or who would at least love me passionately, but the funny thing is when i actually did meet a guy like that, i couldn't love him back.Is something wrong with me?

Moving on to the subject of faith. Unfortunately after i started my OCD episode one year ago and didn't even know it,no amount of prayer made me feel better.Of course everything is fine now since I'm on medication, but my relationship with the man upstairs isn't how it used to be.I cant say I'm all out of faith,because that will be a life,i mean i have my moments. But generally speaking I'm a million miles off where i used to be. I keep thinking of what my friend once told me...he said "i envy those who believe,their lives are a lot more peaceful that those of us who don't".He is so right.

My best friend went to a fortune teller a few days ago.What pissed me off is she told her everything I've been saying for the past few years FOR FREE!the funny thing is that she told her after 1 heart break-which mind you I've already had-I'm gonna find the love of my life.I don't think such a thing exists. My new friend told me a few days ago that I'm single because I'm a thinker.

Although i can say for sure I'm content in my current situation,it seems that my future has 2 paths laid out for me...either i give up my way of thinking and settle for the life that every typical girl wants to have,or i stay true to myself and risk not having many things that i do eventually want.I can fly,smile and dance on my own.I'm strong on my own...but what if from him i never want to part?

Lipstick marks on my coffee cup

2009-06-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

Here I am again.

Months have passed again and I can only tell how much I've grown and how many things have changed in my life from reading this blog. When i go to work in the morning,i usually buy some coffee,an old favorite that i am allowed to enjoy again. Every time i get off the train and am about to dispose of the coffee cup i tend to pause for a few seconds.There are lipstick marks on my coffee cup.The lipstick marks are the same i used to see on my mama's coffee cups when i was a kid,or all the 'grown up' women i saw.I always used to assign the title 'grown up' to one of my older female cousin when i checked if their coffee cups had lipstick marks or not.And guess what?Mine do now.everyday.
This blog entry will deal with engagements, OCD, and many good-byes.

So,let's start with my reoccurring guest of honor, my best friend. I've given up being angry at her, or calling her my EX best friend or even hoping that if she "wakes up" we can go back to being careless 19 year olds driving with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. She called me to tell me that she got engaged to a guy that i personally consider to be an asshole.Now let's be fair for a second, no matter what i think of him, she DOES love him,and as the cliche goes,love is blind, and so can i really blame her for being in love?the answer is a simple no.Can i blame her for the way our friendship is now?The answer is yes.The funny thing she thinks that i HATE her fiance...i'm not really saying that she's wrong,i mean hate is a strong word,its more like extreme dislike. However, she thinks that i blame HIM for breaking my friendship with her.The answer to that is:WRONG.He never forced her to do anything. HER very own decisions were the ones always causing me pain.And you know the worst part about it?She might always remember me as the person who ruined our friendship just cuz i dont like her future husband.and yes,i am talking about the same friend who thought she'd never get married till she's close to thirty.you wanna know what the best part about this story is?I still love her with every beat of my heart.I'm tired of being angry with her,but i still stand my ground a bout everything i told her,however,as a final gift to her before she gets married, i am going home next week to help her choose her wedding gown,to choose a hotel for a wedding and wedding cards.and perhaps give her many needed hugs.Next time i see her it wont be the same and we both know it.Somehow we managed to forge the strongest friendship i've ever seen in the course of a year.I think my best friend and i will always love each other wherever life takes it.It's not really what we imagined,but i guess as long as we both are as happy as we can be,even if not together,then it's good enough.God's plan all along,wasn't it?

Acceptance. That's a feeling that comes when you get over your initial shock.Two of my closest friends are getting engaged.The female i've been close to for 6 years and is getting engaged to a guy who...well,lets just say shouldn't have been her type.The male i've been good friends with for about 4 years,and he's also got engaged to someone who's not quite his type.When i first heard about the news,i was shocked and outraged and i even went home to try to fix my friends' lives!I learned after 3 weeks home that some lives are not my responsibility to fix. It was a difficult lesson to learn,but it did indeed generate acceptance.

I know anyone reading this will be kinda shocked but i was THANKFUL to find out a few months ago that the 2 cases of extreme depression that i've suffered from in the past few years were actually not cases of depression.I,and i am saying it,have OCD.
I am on meds for the following year and i thank God constantly that this case i have has a solution.Speaking of God,i do have a confession.During the first few months of this year my faith was constantly tested,and i barely passed if at all.I'm trying to rebuild the strong spirituality i used to have but its not so easy. I am determined that i wont stop trying till everything is restored to the way it used to be.I'd like to think of that last statement as courage given from God to change the things that i can find,since serenity has already led me to acceptance.

Now the hardest part,lost friendships.I had the most amazing group in uni the first term in the UK.After i started showing symptoms of my OCD the second term,i lost 90% of the group i belonged to.Now i realise that God was looking after me his own way.They were never friends to begin with.And the 10% i have still as friend, i know i will keep in my life for a very long time.Of course the experience itself brought along it's share of pain,but whats new about that?
Also,i lost one of my closest friends.I got to see him face to face in the UK and let's just say that either i kept misunderstanding him,or he's simply not the guy i thought he would be.I'm still too angry to speak about him further,but perhaps,just perhaps,things might change in the future.Yet,no expectations no disappointments.(C,you're the only constant in my life).

Right this moment i'm thinking of all the things that are NOT working out in my life currently.And then just as fast as those thoughts come, i remember that every single time,things tend to eventually work out.I am thankful for new friendships formed, for the best health i can afford,for the close relationship i have with my father now,and mostly for the wisdom i tend to gain with every new step i take in my life.
I think for some time i'll be pausing for a few seconds every time i see the lipstick marks on my coffee cup.I figure,why the hell not,it makes me smile.

Brick Walls

2009-03-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

I was reading my previous entry and thinking what a world away i am from those days. Here's the sad update: The one thing I've always dreaded the most,the depression that I've had a few years ago,returned to me. That was the one thing that i never wished even on my worst enemy(don't think i have any,but you get the point). But before i talk about that,i'm gonna talk about what happened in between.

When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.

A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.

I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.

Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.

The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.

13 days

2008-12-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

In less than two weeks I'll be home again.
Last time i wrote in my blog was before i left.My life was so chaotic and i was in an extremely confused phase that i could barely think straight.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago why i haven't written in this blog that has helped me express so many frustrations over the last few years,and the true honest answer is that i have thought about it often, but I've been too busy living.

Living has a new meaning to me.To actually be too busy being alive is invigorating. I have fun and i dance...i worry and i cry...there's balance.The best part has been the sense of freedom that overflows from my veins..even if i am angry at the whole world,i have the option of storming out and walking aimlessly for hours just pondering my existence.i do it because i can.The worst part has been missing my old world..family and friends.Memories will forever be etched my my mind from previous experiences..as much as I've yearned for this life style,i could never forget waking up on Fridays from the smell of my mama's french toast...feeling my sister hug me while we watch TV together for hours...drinking good coffee early in the morning while driving to university...going to weddings with traditional Arabic music...laughing with friends so hard until tears ran down our faces...reading good Arabic poetry with good friends....and the list is really endless.

Sometimes I am afraid.Afraid of being forgotten.Every human being wants to be remembered..i want my family and friends to always remember.I am happy (thank God for that), but the last 21 years are a part of why i am happy.I worked so hard to get here,and although i realise life will keep getting more difficult and my worries will increase, it is a part of life that i accept because i love freedom. I am happy.

Of course in upcoming blog entries i will still be bitching about pressures I'll be facing my life, about loneliness, about homesickness and basically anything that would bother any other human being...i can safely say however that i wouldn't change this lifestyle for anything in the world.If given a choice between my present and my past,my present wins easily.

I was reading a book (a pleasure that i rarely get lately) and from this book, I've concluded that the following is my new objective in life:
I will always aim for the moon...and if i miss,I'll still end up among the stars.

Trust and stop waiting

2008-08-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I was being nosy,as usual,on facebook when i found his profile.THAT i didn't mind.
He still looks good.THAT part didn't even make my heart flutter.
His arm is broken.THAT didn't even bother me.
He's engaged.THAT knocked the wind outta me.(like literally when someone punches you in the stomache).

I mean seriously,WTF! Here's what i can truly say,i wasn't heartbroken,i was just surprised.Nor was i happy,i was really sad. Surprisingly i am also mad.Not at him,i do wish him the best,and I'm sorta glad that he found THE one,but why him and not me?

I am absolutely aware that i am sounding selfish.I just cant help thinking that i was the one with the broken heart for a long time.I am a good person that good men fall for.yet,he is ENGAGED,and i am alone.hmm...maybe the status of being "alone" can easily be changed,but what about being "lonely"?

Right now,C is trying to give me a whole future scenario about his life where "his wife will be fat,he'll have an average life and he'll never forget me while I'll be strutting my expensive heels with a husband 100 times better than he would have been".hehehe,i do love this girl.

I don't really wanna be married right now,that i know for a fact.And i really would rather be the way i am-difficult to fall in love- than to love just anybody.I guess I'll just have to trust..not wait.i'm sick of waiting,i have a life to live and its the only one i'm getting (i'm not THAT special).God has shown me recently that patience is indeed a virtue,and it does pay off eventually...that's when air comes into your lungs again,and life begins.

Change

2008-08-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Where the hell did a f***ing month of my life go??i cant believe that I'm already home!the past month passed more like a dream.i was so freakin relaxed and I'm not so glad that I'm back to be honest.I think if i would have stayed for a few more weeks i would have been probably more eager to come back.

The thing that i didn't expect the most about my visit was the change of my relationship with my favorite cousin.last time i went to visit i was 16 and he was 18 and we just understood each other.spending time with him was always fun and we both knew that we equally enjoyed each other's company. On this visit however,if he wasn't my cousin,he would be someone i would never want to talk to again!

Here's the weird thing:the guy didn't change AT ALL.i know i know,you must be thinking then why don't we still have the same kinda relationship.well,the answer is simple:i grew up.in other words,he still has the mentality of an 18 year old at 22,while my mentality has changed and evolved so uch in 4 years.

We had a few fights since we didn't see eye to eye on alot of different issues, and he kept wondering why i have changed.so as usual i went ahead and thought about it.Lets see,in the past 4 years i have:
1-Graduated from hight school after a not very easy year.
2-Fallen in love and gotten my heart broken for the first time.
3-Met every kind of mentality in university and learned how to deal with each.
4-busted my a** for 3 years and graduated early with a BA.
5-learned how to not take life for granted.
6-lost so much,and gained so many lessons.
...just to mention a few.
So how did he expect me to not change?

Anyways,i kept the peace between him and I since i cant blame him for not changing,and i tried to remember the fun the 16 year old me had with him....good times.

I spent most of my time with my younger cousins (age range:13 to 18) since everyone closer to my age were either working or in uni.And as much fun as it was cruising around with them and going out to lunch and to watch movies,something was still wrong.After thinking about it,i think that i only enjoyed the part where i could watch them adjust to what they consider to be "cool".I've been there,and I've done that with my own friends during high school and especially 1st year uni.I'm sooo over that."cool" is in my genes now,hehehehe.

I'm home now and back the "real world" i guess.but it's about time.i need to finish everything i have to do then go on another adventure.One that will change me even more,but then again,i do welcome change,don't i?

"Trashy" Novels

2008-08-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

After placing 2 romance novels in the shopping cart:

Mom:why are you buying 2 trashy novels?
ME:they are NOT trashy,they are called "romance".
Mom:they are TRASHY.
Me:what kinda books did you read when you were my age?
Mom:trashy novels..

To the Grandfather I never knew (A Tribute)

2008-07-31T01:03:00.000-07:00

A few days ago while I was looking around at my entire family (mom’s side) at the reunion, I was thinking of what my grandpa would have thought. I could see my grandma looking at us, but I wondered what the man I never met would have thought of his family coming together 20 years after his death.

I never knew how it feels like to have a grandfather, and I often did wonder, but you can’t miss what you never had. Or can you?

I was asking grandma today about grandpa. I was curious about him all of a sudden for some odd reason. What I do know is that I was the last of his grandchildren to be born when he died. 5 grandchildren have preceded me, and 13 followed after his death. Grandma filled me in today on the details. Apparently Grandpa was a very stubborn man (I wonder who inherited that gene). He felt bad for quite some time before grandma literally had to force him to go see the doctor. He left one day from work for his doctor’s appointment and he never came back. They found out he had cancer, and although it had already spread, he wanted to give it a fighting chance. 23 hours after his first chemo dosage, he passed away. 10 days have only passed from the diagnosis day leading his death. 10 days. Ironic, isn't it? Gives you a new perspective to the word “time”.

Anyway, when they called mom and told her that grandpa was sick and it wasn’t looking too good, she booked the 1st flight she found for both her and me. I was about 8 months old. From what I know is that grandpa was a very strict father, especially with the older kids. With the grand kids, however, he had apparently mellowed out. Grandma told me that last time they had seen my mom was when she was pregnant with me, and that he was really happy to hear that my mom was coming sooner than expected. She said that he was very anxious to see me.

He only got to see me once at the hospital. Mom went into his hospital room and put me next to him on the bed. He told her that I will have my dad wrapped around my little finger.

I know it’s strange that for 20 years I never felt a connection to this man since technically I don’t know him. But today I found out so much about him and I felt such a crushing loss. And I cried for a man I never knew…excuse me…a man I never “met”. My “grandpa”. I cry for him as I wrote this for dying at the young age of 55. I cry for myself because I never got the chance to form memories of him. I cry because for the first time in my life I am feeling the heartbreak of a grandfather’s loss 20 years after his passing.

Wow, it sure hurts to lose a grandfather. But I’m glad I got to know him now. Better late than never if you ask me.

Here’s what occurred to me; looking at 19 of us cousins I’m sure that he’d love us all the same. All of us are imperfect (so thankfully very human), some more than others, but we are all family nonetheless. His flesh and blood. Then I try to imagine what he’d think of me particularly. Since I never really knew him, I wasn’t sure that my judgment would be accurate, but from what I gather taking into consideration the info I found out about him, I believe that I know exactly what he would think about me. Proud, he’d tell me.
Damn proud.

Discoveries of a weekend,Passions of a lifetime

2008-07-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while i like to post lessons that I've learned.I post them here just in case i forget.in this one weekend i learned a few lessons just by observing myself and my surroundings,and here is what i have learned and the method by which i have acquired this new knowledge:

There was a ride in an amusement park that basically threw you in the air and you stayed suspended there for a few seconds before going down again.i kept staring at the sky and i felt like i could almost touch it.i love the feeling of soaring.

There was another ride where your seat was lifted so high you could see the whole city.Now although like most people I'm afraid of heights,as long as i was safe(i.e. strapped in), I loved being up there.i felt like i owned the world.

In the small town where I'm at now,one moment there's sun and the weather is moderately hot,the other moment it would start raining and we would run for cover under the big tree.I love the feeling of cool rain drops on my skin.

Driving from the city to the town, the sky was cloudy. But although the clouds were very dark, the sun still came through and it looked like curtains made of sunshine...a gateway to heaven.when you drive more towards the darkness, there sppeared a huge rainbow covering the skies and defying darkness.I love and love and love that.

I love the fact that i can still lay on my back on the grass and watch the clouds and come up with shapes.i love how looking at a rainbow can keep me smiling.i love catching grandma watching her whole family (children,grandchildren, and great-grandchildren) and marvel how 3 generations gathered at her house are all a product of a her marriage to man who died 20 years ago (my dear grandfather).

I love that i'm starting to miss home too..just a little bit but the feeling's there.
Mostly,i love how much i'm looking forward to traveling.to leaving and starting a new life.
A step closer to independence, and a step farther from carelessness.

Sprinkles of Faith

2008-07-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

It’s raining outside now, and I feel good. So damn good actually.

I thought that this trip I’m on to the states would be exciting, instead it turned out to be quite relaxing, which thankfully is exactly what I need. I don’t mind the laid back routine I’m having with family. Of course, there are some downfalls, like not being able to do some fun things I was planning on doing since where my mom grew up is basically a small town with nothing to do. Surprisingly, I’m loving it. I mean, I’ve always liked it here, but because of the past year, this break is welcomed in this small town. Another downside is I’m not really missing home. Well, not at all really. Maybe I will by the end of the month, but not today, not now, not at this moment.

While being on the other side of the globe, some of my friends are keeping in touch on regular basis, while others surprisingly aren’t. That bothers me to be honest, but oh well, I am currently blessed so I’m going to try to keep complaints to a minimum.

Let’s see; so far I’ve sat on a picnic table with my bare feet in moist grass while reading a good book. A really good book containing a lot of descriptions that come from the soul. Ask me about it, I highly recommend it. I’ve gone and seen Natives dancing accompanied by the beat of ancient drums and spiritual songs. It was like a flash back from Pocahontas. I laughed so hard with family to the point where my stomach hurt. I lay down on a couch next to a window that overlooks grandma’s front yard and fell asleep while staring at the heavens and feeling actual peace. I needed this. I NEED this. Relaxation, tranquility, peace.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to forget all the negatives; otherwise known as bad things that I usually never forget; about people. I’m only remembering the good stuff. Moments I laughed with friends, hugged them just for no reason at all, and danced in the middle of nowhere…

Thing is, I know that I will be remembering all of this when I get back. I’ll remember broken hearts, tears, disloyalties, and perhaps the feeling of the want to run away again. I miss very few things from my life at home. To be honest, I’m even glad that when I go home, it will only be for a month, although logically speaking, life is going to get harder from then on. That I know for a fact, but I welcome it. I welcome independence. I welcome freedom. I welcome the future.

I don’t want to even think about my family back home right now. Makes me feel a little guilty, but I’m too relaxed to care. I’ve missed feeling like this. Content. I gotta try to visit more often. Family members over here are growing so fast, things are changing a lot and I hate missing it. Perhaps Christmas of ’09. '

Now that I’m done with my BA, I’m looking back and realizing a lot of things that I’ve planned haven’t worked out the way I wanted them to, but then again, many other things- granted, after a lot of hard work- have worked out better than I expected. I worked hard and so I’ve earned everything I have in my life now. I thank a lot of people for their help. I thank a few for their prayers. I thank God for it all.

Serenity, wisdom and courage sprinkled with a little bit of faith is all it takes.

Unhappy

2008-06-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

I was wondering why i keep a blog lately.I figured that i like having memories of when i was happy and the times in between.
I'm there now,the inbetweeness of the happy intervals of my life.wow,as soon as i get optimistic things go down pretty quick.I wonder why...don't i deserve to be happy?i work hard,i have faith, and i TRY to stay optimistic?

I hurt,i ache,i cry...and its all because of nothing that I've done.Shall i wait for karma to set things straight?but i don't really wish anybody any harm!then why the hell is this happening to me??

I want to be happy...is that too much to ask?
apparently so.

Quotes 2

2008-06-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

here are a few more just so i wont forget:

Director:thanks for taking alot of shit for me during the play producer.
Me:you know what director,you're worth it.
Director:aha,it's the ass isn't it?

Mina:can i have your pink little bear?
Me:no.
Mina:why?
Me:cuz it's mine,i got it as a gift.
Mina:please?
Me:nooo.
Mina:*grabs bear from my hand and walks away*thank you!
Me:*jaw dropping*
Mom:she's just like you,stubborn as hell.

Me:dude,why wont they let you take a flat?
Batata:they say it's only for couples.let's pretend to be lesbians and move in together.
Me:ahhh....ok..
Batata:and if they start suspecting we'll make out in the lobby.

My bro:why wont you keep the door to your room open so it wont be so hot?
Me:i'm watching aladdin on full volume,i dont wanna lower it.
My bro:OMG.are you serious?your watching a movie about a guy who flies on a rug??
Me:you still watch tom and jerry.
My bro:TOM AND JERRY IS REAL!!!!

Mainly 3 things.

2008-06-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

She says, "I wanna die, i seriously don't wanna live anymore".
He says, "I'm fed up, I'm leaving for good, no more of this."
She says, "my life is going to be so empty,i dunno what I'm going to do".
So many strong feelings that i have no comments for.Makes me kinda think how lucky i am when I'm down for different reasons.Or maybe its just as bad for each and every one of us although we don't share the same situation.

Lately i have been enjoying those small twinges of excitement that I've been getting.they are small,faint,barely lasting for a few second, but they are there. and that's alot compared to how I've been for a long time.Thank God.

Touching on another subject, I'm a firm believer in the whole "do what you wanna do" thing.but that also means,specially for adults, that they need to prioritise, sometimes (not always) compromise if they want people around in their lives, and most importantly understand that there are consequences for actions.IF and only IF all of what is mentioned is applied, then by all means, do what you wanna do. Just remember, if you make the wrong choices, then either wake up and pay your dues, or lose everything you have.That will be your choice and your choice only.No one makes decisions for you.Don't blame the world,blame yourself.It's not the end of the work,unless you DECIDE not to learn.Most importantly,make a choice,or else,whether you like it or not, life will make one for you.the harsh truth is,life goes on whether we like it or not,which is a mixed blessing.

I've been thinking lately about what i want in my life in,say, the next 5 years.I stopped thinking about love and romance (they'll come when they come), but more as in where i see ME,not people around me.So i set a few goals,the top three are those:
1-A nice house of my own.
2-Enough money to pay for a second MA.
3-$500 Loubitoun shoes.

I know what your thinking,but what can i say,I'm a girl and i love shoes :) besides, my daddy always says as long as your able, don't be too cheap when it comes to yourself,you only live once.

Try

2008-06-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this in less than a week from my last exam.In a way,I've been looking forward to being done with all the BS that I've been going through for the past semester.But now that its all over its like I've been looking around thinking now what?
Now i know is that the good thing i can catch up on reading the many books I've bought that have been collecting dust (an insult) for a while now.also,maybe i can get reintroduced to the concept of television,which i do miss.

Its been no secret that I've gone through a shitty phase during my last term,and one that i really wanted to write about but didn't get a chance to was a certain Australian friend whom i really appreciated but acted like such a child recently.I've found out that such a behavior puts me off people.i mean,there's still such a thing as common courtesy,right?

Another thing is that lately,thankfully God has been giving me what i deserve...in the good sense,lol.Now that my dreams are so close i can almost touch them if i reach out...they are there,i can see them clearly,i can stop DREAMING cuz they are actually materialising in front of my eyes....sad thing is that it seems I've gotten used to getting disappointed and not expecting anything outta life that I've forgotten how to feel pleasure.Small things in life i still treasure, but the big things where I'm supposed to get all excited and jumpy...i just get very passive.If that is the correct word,let me try to explain it,whatever the result is-good in this case-i just state it as if it was something that was supposed to happen in the 1st place.its like if i get too happy someone might take it away from me.That seems to be a pattern in my life,things I've loved then lost for reasons that are just not good enough...doc,my best friend,my dog...etc.

Then again,thank God for the many blessings in my life that He ensures to keep.

I was talking to C a while back about all of this and we figured out the following:
I'm at the no-identity "what now?" phase.I'm cleansing.Accepting the fact that I'm an adult and that I've earned everything I'm getting.Living for no purpose for a few weeks.to RELAX.

Well,I'm gonna try...I'm sure gonna damn try.

Lock me in a room and throw away the key

2008-05-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going through one of THOSE times.you know what I'm talking about;the ones where life deals you a bad card every couple of hours.Basically,you're in so much shit so fast that you forget when was the last time you took a breath.

I could cry,or could i?
I could fly,or could i?
I could die,or could i?

Possibly,but at this time,even if i wanted to,life will find a way of screwing things up.God will grant me Patience and this shall pass,that i know.the trick,however,is for everything to pass without me having a mental breakdown.

I got my self in trouble with the Australian,almost with the English,with the skinny bitch,with professors,with the play...and the list goes on.what bothers me also is that i miss my "best friend" and i don't wanna tell her.

Now here's the question:am i screwing up so much,or is life just screwing me over?
Saudi says maybe its both.

Quotes

2008-05-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

There are many quotes out there said by famous people that i absolutely love. My favorites however, are ones that are said by friends. I regret not doing this before, but lately i have started saving things that my friends have been saying. some are absolutely halarious. Most however, are extremely inspirational.Enjoy.

"Ya jama3a,malkom?ed7ako!El 7aya 7elweh" Shoosh

"Ana ma ba5bot el sayarat!bas babooshom!" M

"In reality we are just bullshitters... el kul 5ayef 3a ro7o o wad3o,mafi 3inna nas ta3teeki el 7aki men el 2a5er"Bush The Mush

"Medicore minds have always judged great ones,and you my darling are a great one" C

"I'm bringing bitchy back!"C

"so lsn if anyone asks u deny this but i just picked the song im dancing to with my dad on my wedding day...well one of my wedding days if i stay crazy bitch like this."C

"SARCASM IS UR OXYGEN ISNT IT?"C

"tell him to get me designer shoes and ill make him a very happy man, tell him the way to ur heart is through me...if he gets the matching purse then ill Godmother ur children" C
"ana bolbol arabi!" Frenchy

"Being mixed is bittersweet,it can be both a gift and a curse" Saudi

"waja3!hassa bafga3ek 5amsawy 2o ba7et snoonek!" Q

"tfooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Garaba

"so you know the big brother in 'prison break'?they will kill him using electricity and he has to wear a diaper!!" Mina

"You dream too much prima.Dont dream,just do it!" Junior

ME:are you alright?
Tfeely:esma3y! .. (line goes dead..i'm thinking,hmm,ok...).
Tafeely:(calling back)hey,what was the last thing u heard?
ME:esma3y.
Tafeely:2o ana sarly sa3a batale3 elly begalby tle3et basoolef ma3 7aly??!!ME:hehehehehehehehehehe

Mina:I'm stupid.
Me:why?
Mina:cuz i solved the math problem correctly then i changed it and it turned out to be wrong!
Me:wow,you really are stupid.
Mina:HEY!you were supposed to say something nice!

Me:how do you stop yourself from falling for someone,yet still remain "friends" with them?
Saudi:I remember how fucked up people are,and how they don’t deserve to be close to me,because when someone is that close they have a direct shot at my heart.

ME:did u have fun at the birthday party today?
Mina:well,not at the beginning,the lady responsible said we couldn’t go out of the play room.
ME:well,why would u wanna go out?did u wanna run around?
Mina:we're kids!ofcourse we do!

"When you suspect that something might start developing, it probably already has" Batata

"all u got is a sexy butt and a sarcastic attitude!" Batata

"I hope you dance AJ…broken heart or not" C

"First do what you gotta, then do what you wanna" B

"AJ, u r a great great girl with so much potential and goodness inside of u. U have the strength of the most raging rivers in the world and if u set ur mind to it u will accomplish everything u ever dreamt of and more. U also have the light of the brightest stars inside there and just because u seem to miss it doesnt mean it isnt there, trust me I KNOW its there more than I know my own name I have seen it in countless time. I am not saying this to be a good friend or even as C ur rock, im saying this from a totally neutral viewpoint. However, I want u to remember its going to suck A LOT but in the end it is going to be great also A LOT, when it isnt okay then its definitely not the end. God is a being of love and compassion and He will always reward those who deserve it, and baby small mistakes dont compare to ur greater good so u do deserve it. Lastly, I love u and I thank God i have had both the immense honor and pleasure of knowing you and being ur friend." C

Me:how do you know?how do you know when to tell me what i need to hear even when i'm trying to act ok?
C:well,i have a funny stomach and so do u and u cannot control ur funny stomach so ur funny stomach tells my funny stomach afterhwich my funny stomach tells me.

"3najd neyalek, ana ba7sedek that u have best friend be zaka2i!marat baseer a7ky ya raytek fe mostaway el 3aqly...marrat mo dayman." M

"Holla at ma gurl all tight in her love nest doinall sortsa love nesty thangs!Sweet spit be wishin her shorty a hot and sweaty good night all the way from the relief room once again!watch out for the shawty and sweet spit epic movie comin out this winter in a theatre near you,all da way from the sent items yow!my cell phone be hollerin atcha too tellin you it be missin u and ur button pushin, know warram sayin?!" Batata

"talj talj aaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,talj talj,aaaaaaaaaaaaaah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" M

"I'm so happy to have met you shorty.you're one of my biggest highlights of '07.I hope our friendship lasts forever,even if bahraini girl doesnt approve.love you and here's to a great '08!" Saudi

"I really love you and appreciate that i've met you and you're in my life, you are really special to me and so close to my heart,always know that!" Batata

"Have a super duper great first day of your last term. we all love you but i love you best." C

"I like you random" B

"Aysh ya shagfeh!fe majal la 3olaga?lama7tek elyoum 3end bagalet abu el 3abed 2o ba3ed ma tabadalna al nazarat adraket ennek 7ob 7ayaty..yeslamooly el rmoosh!" M

"yo shawty,its not ur birthday,we gonna party like its your birthday though..know warram sayin girl?be all up in ur grill and shit,you be like,bitch pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!" Batata

"It only takes one meeting babe..you're something else" B

"Heartache does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.it empties today of its strength.suck it up,walk tall!" B

Me:you should be lucky that i even talk to you.
B:oh really?
Me:yup.anyways,what r u doing?
B:I'm busy being lucky.

"Hi.fe majal awag3ek fe shabky?" M

B:Wise one,bless us with ur endless wisdom.
Me:Proceed and ask my son,for i am a kind (and attractive) master.what is it that you seek?tell me of your trouble my child.
B:Her essence poisons my mind..he touch is of grace and her smile is sun over my never ending dark clouds.yet...she is so far and i am...here.
Me:Ah yes.Many young (3a asas) en such as urself have come to me with the same kind of disease.This witch has cursed you my child.it is but an expensive price to pay for a cure.
B:A cure knows no price.speak ur wisdom!
Me:well..oh slave of my will..you have one of 2 options.1-u either distance urself from this mesmerising maiden and take ur chances of tasting hell's fires till you forget her,or you must capture she whom you desire and hope (she you cannot force her) to tame her.I have spoken my blessed wisdom child.Now,you shall make a choice that will doom you both ways,exept that one hell burns in a sweeter form than another.
(the next day)B:Just got Diagnosed with pneumonia because of ur curse.I still cant breathe and I hate you with a passion.

those are only a few and hopefully i'll be posting more someday.These make me laugh and cry..and they all form memories.I hope i never forget.

The three lessons

2008-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have learned 3 important lesson this semester,and being that it is my final (inshallah) semester, they are important lessons.Here they are:

1-There is no such thing as a best friend.
I mean,sure,u\you have a bunch of close friends who you love and are always around you.But one single best friend that you can always count on no matter what..well,that just doesn't exist.

2-I do no wish to be married until I absolutely have to (AKA when i want to have kids).
I was never against marriage,but looking around i don't see a single good one around me.I know myself,I'm the type that would get married as soon as i fall i love,and i definitely want to have children.The sad part is though,i know i will be unhappy on the long run,and this is one thing that i wish life will prove wrong.

3-I will never have a dog.
This is for 2 reasons:the first is I'm allergic.the second is that dogs are way better than humans.they are more fun,friendly and most importantly loyal.perhaps only they can qualify to be a person's best friend.Dad is making me give Sam up..i get tears in my eyes every time i think about it.

Perhaps these lessons will change in time..hopefully.
that's it for now.Peace

A Prayer

2008-04-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I know i haven't been doing well in the "thanking you" department. But i do try. I try to thank you no matter what happens to me...so i do try.

I have been very tired as you well know.It has been literally one of the worst semesters ever (except if you wanna count the first summer semester i had).I just cant seem to catch a break. A part of me likes being constantly busy because i know that the alternative would be worse.I want to get acceptances to the universities i applied to,i want to graduate and enjoy at least one month vacation in the states.I want to not have to worry about money for school or living expenses when i travel.I'm excited though..i really wanna travel.see the world,get an MA,all that jazz.

I know that as much as things have been hard for me lately, you have helped me in so many ways. I have met amazing new friends,thing are looking good concerning my travelling decisions and most importantly i have been able to make very tough decisions that i know will be good for me on the long run.I owe everything to you and i have no regrets.

God all i ask of you is to listen when i talk to you..and whether i forget to say it out loud sometimes or not,Thank you.

I am a good person

2008-02-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

I am a good person.Not perfect,not a saint.but a good person.
My imperfections or flaws include:a bad temper,being blunt,sometimes a bit too loud,and sometimes a bit too quiet,a cold stare and those are only to mention of few.
but i am a good person.flawed as much as the next human being.A good person.

I am a good person.i know what i want in life.i work hard for what i want.i screw up from time to time,but i let no one and nothing break me.i stand tall and respect a major part of my life.

I am a good person.i love other's passionately.i don't hate.people i dislike I'd rather stay away from.i don't look for trouble and i never intentionally hurt anyone.i am strong.i am loyal.

I am a good person.my friends and family mean the world to me.my independence equals my happiness.i believe in God,though perhaps not "religious".I believe in love even if i did get my heart broken.

I am a good person.i try to learn from my mistakes,i try not to make mistakes too often.i still think making mistakes in healthy,and I'm still young and loving it.

I am a good person.i think that health is the most important thing in life.I get screwed over by my friends from time to time,yet i believe that people are good in nature.when i make a decision i stick to it.

I am a good person.I am the most sarcastic person i know.small things in life amuse me.i love to laugh.i love to be there for people when they need me,even if they were never there for me.

I am a good person.
I will have a good life.
I will have to make tough decisions regarding my life soon.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference."
Amen

Glimpses of the past year and what followed

2008-01-17T05:40:00.000-08:00

This is to clarify some of the lessons written in my previous entry:

The smile being contagious thing comes from a most interesting story:a few months ago i was waiting in line to board a plane to Colombo (a trip i took with my dad...amazing).so next to me,was this very short srilankan girl.now in all world wide definitions this girl was anything but attractive...she was really short(abnormally short),her face had alot of facial hair,and she was carrying this huge bag that was just about her size.my first reaction towards this girl was unfortunately pity.however,she looked at me and smiled...now this i learned:if God hasn't blessed her with an attractive outer appearance,he gave her one of the most beautiful smiles i have ever seen,and I'm not talking about perfect teeth,it was just that it was a very naturally sweet smile that basically bore the girl's soul.she was smiling constantly...and you know what?i smiled back at her and stayed that way for at least an hour afterwards.a smile,you see,is very contagious.

Now moving on to the speed of light:last month i was driving back home just as it was getting dark.i remember being a bit surprised that the street lights haven't come on yet,especially that the airport road is really long and there are no houses on either side of the road so it gets really dark.just as i was wondering,the lights started coming on.and i don't mean all at once..oh no,one by one just as was reaching them.so driving as fast as ever with music blasting from my speakers,i raced the light seeing who would make it to the end first.it was a close call,but its safe to say that i didn't exactly win.but i didn't really lose either...you see,i got to race light.

Another lesson i will only explain by quoting a story that i recently read in a book:
"Infatuation is instant desire...love,however,is friendship caught on fire"...enough said.

Those are only a few of the many stories related with some of the lessons,but you know,there is a story or two behind every single lesson.perhaps I'll relate them here later.

I was remembering a study that i read about a few years ago,where it basically states that a person's character is majorly affected and changed during 2 major periods in his life:Kindergarten and college.in the first a child is exposed to an environment where he mixes with children from diverse backgrounds and thus learns how to deal with them.in college,a person lives in a slice of the real world.a sort of miniature society to prepare him for what he has to face in the future.what i learned in KG and which still applies by the way,is that i don't like my friends to be of one kind of "stereotype" in a sense.meaning that i like being friends with the popular kids,the ones whom no one really like,and gothics,the deeply religious...etc.i was not created to judge anyone..that is only God's job.
something i learned in college however,is that you learn who your real friends are based on certain situations.people who stick to you in the end,who last,who stay in your life because they want to be there...now those are the ones you know you wanna keep.

Lastly,i would like to report that I'm back to my old self again and glad too.some friends thought that i will remain constantly like this (too weak,or careless,to fight for anything anymore).my best friend had blind faith that i was only going through a phase.Saudi told me its either one of two:1-my personality is just changing,2-i need a break.
well,it turned out to be number 2.i was just tired.20 years of being a fighter can kinda do that to ya!hehe.basically,i figured out that every 2-3 years i have to reach a breaking point to give myself a break.this is where some of my lessons came from.i couldn't say how long it would take me to get better,but steadily and strongly,i am surely back.now my best friend can take a break,hehe.

i have a feeling that this year will be a big year,mostly good hopefully,with the occasional bump on the way.right now,I'm just happy that i got my old self back,so as Biggie(yes,i am referring to the dead rapper) once said: "so all you haters...just walk on by".

Lessons '07

2008-01-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

I think we enter each year with optimism.Although we might say that life gets worse with time,but each of us has this tiny hope that the following year will be better than the previous one.
I have created this blog exactly 1 year ago,and in order to write this one on the first day of the new year,i went back to read all 23 posts that i have written in the past year.
now ladies and gentlemen,here are some of the lessons that i have learned in 2007:

i learned that there are 2 kinds of routine:the kind that kills so much that u just wanna leave the country,and the comfortable kind that u like doing daily(and that u'll probably miss when you do leave the country).i learned that giving up a fight is not the same as walking away,in the first case ur just fed up of trying so hard and getting nothing in return,but you are still there.in the second case,you've just given up on a relationship(of any kind).

i learned that you can have a friend in another country that can become as close to you as if u've basically known each other for years,and when that friend comes to ur country to see u,u just know ur friendship is going to last forever.i learned that people change,some in a good way that you can deal with,others in a way that makes you not wanna be around them anymore.

i learned that although i'm not really looking into a teaching career,i do tend to enjoy it from time to time.i learned that i like working and saving up money and not worry about running out of it.i learned that i like the whole process of opening a bank account and owning a visa card and all the responsibilities that comes with that.i learned that i love nothing more than making new friends.

i learned to understand the difference between love and infatuation.i learned that although i slip from time to time,i'm human and regret to some extent is healthy.i learned not to compromise or settle when i don't have to.i learned that nothing is more important that friendship.

i learned that a simple word from my father can make me happy.i learned that i enjoy having long conversations with my mother,preferably over lunch.i learned that my best friend can manage to shock me by stepping in and defending me (which i allow no one to do),even if it means by the use of poetry.

i learned that you cant really plan when u hit rock bottom,u just pray it happens with the right people around.i learned that nature is a proof of God's existance.i learned that a word from my professors can either make or break my day.i learned that i love,and currently miss,being "the" nerd.i learned that i love room service.i learned that i love racing the speed of light.

i learned that i love talking to my sister.i learned that my brother actually has a sort of sense of humor.i learned that i love laughing to the point where i cant breathe.i learned that i am not a typical arab girl (for example marriage issues depress me).i learned that i love to write,specially in my sarcastic corner at my uni's magazine.

i learned that paying for things from my own pockets instead of taking the money from my daddy hurts.i learned that i do need tough love from time to time.i learned how to view death in a different manner.i learned that time is proof of love.i learned that i love to travel.i learned that i'm more ready to get some things done than i thought i was.

i learned that i'm a sucker..big time.i learned that small things in life pretty do amuse me.i learned that my eyes apparently speak a language of their own.i learned that things like hot coco or cookies can make me feel good.i learned that when i cry(since its rarely done),my eyes get all poofy and hurt for a few days...fair price to pay.i learned that friends can tell u things to reveal their true identity,whether in a positive or negative way.i learned that friends should never lose faith in you.

i learned that a smile is very contagious.i learned that i love to slow dance.i learned that although i work well under pressure,i'm still constantly exhausted and thus in need of break.i learned that i miss being tough on the outside,although i love knowing that i still am on the inside.i learned that life goes on whether we want it to or not.i learned that the future is coming whether we plan it our way or not.i learned that the key to life is to work hard,believe in God,and hope for the best.

the rest,ladies and gentlemen,is history.
here's to 2008,cheers..

A series of unfortunate events my A**!

2007-12-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

So,my car is supposed to be "well taken care of",right?
WRONG!
I got fed up about a month ago when it needed to be fixed because something (every time a different thing) would go wrong,so instead of the usual mechanic- and dad's life long friend-i called my uncle up and told him to take Sally and fix her up once and for all.

He did.wanna know what he said?
"who the hell used to fix your car before??it's like all he did was glue everything back together instead of actually fix anything!it's a wonder that you can still drive it around"...so mechanically speaking,Sally is a miracle.

Anyhow,he fixes her up,and she comes back as good as new,i thank my uncle often,but then he keeps saying that i shouldn't thank him since my dad had to pay alot in order to get my car fixed.
problem number 1 over thankfully.

Since my method of transportation was up and running beautifully,my cell phone's screen stopped working.i initially blamed myself since i was planning on changing the cover so i figured maybe that had led to the problem.then my whole cellphone wouldn't turn on..but whatever,right?i was gonna fix it anyway.
so i take it to this cellphone place (recommended by my friend "ya3 ya3") and tell the dude what the problem is.All is good,he said he'll call later that day to tell me what the cost will be and when it will be ready,which was supposed to be the following day.
dude calls THE NEXT DAY,says the phone needs an extra day,that everything on it including sentimental msgs and all of my phonebook will be erased.plus all the events stored on my calender.i got bummed..but anyways,i love my phone and i figured what the hell...it happens...

I paid 25 jds, which granted is alot,but my phone looked good and i tried to think of it as brand new,so 2nd problem solved at last.

a few weeks ago,the battery in my car stops working.so no biggie,right?i call up a friend and after a half hour of searching (poor soul),he finds a cable,my car is charged,and all goes well,right?
WRONG!
dad kept nagging me to get a cable for my car,INCASE this incident is repeated,i wouldn't have as much trouble.
so a few days later,no battery again and no cable...2 of my friends look for half an hour a more than one place to try to find a cable.they pay 13 jds for a "good" one and charge my car.next day,i take money from the bank and buy a new battery.
3rd problem solved too.

my cell phone's screen isn't working again.i go to the same place they say its a different problem so a refund is out of the question.i go to another place they said that the problem is has now cant be fixed.
of course,all this happens after i manage to restore over 80% of my phonebook.
after juggling my sim card between 2 phones belonging to 2 of my friends,i take money from the bank and buy a new phone.
a5 a5 a5...problem 4 over with.

2 days ago,i turn on my computer and it refuses to get to windows.so today,the dude who fixes computers came over and basically said that my hard disk was "worn out".after he installed a new one,programmed my whole computer again,and fixed a few hard ware glitches here and there,he proceeded to tell me that my old hard disk should be thrown away along with hundreds of photos and songs and files collected over 4 years.

dad told me tonight that i should "ada7y" (sacrifice a lamb) during this Holiday because this much "bad luck" was unhealthy since everything happened in one month.i was thinking more of the word "expensive" rather than unlucky.
i was complaining how fed up i am getting to my mom,and what does she have to say?
"you have to look at the glass half full"...oh BOOHOO!!
the glass is freaking half full..OF SHIT!

The "jojo" Complex

2007-12-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have a problem.well,actually,its not really MY problem.it's more of the fact that somebody else's complex is causing me problem.

since i have decided to talk about "the" problem in this entry,i shall begin by explaining why I'm feeling so aggravated lately.
if life is a person,then i feel that this person is laughing so hard right now,pointing at me and mocking me.why you ask?
here's the thing:i take pride in being a tough person.as much as it hurts,I'm the "do what you gotta do" kinda girl.i hate it sometimes,but generally speaking i know that this is a positive thing about me.however,what made me tough are experiences that I've been through in my teens.those experiences also left me with certain "trust issues".i realize that this is a problem,but i somehow learned (with alot of time and patience that i never knew i could come up with) how to give away my trust,but only to people who earn it.those people,i usually have to decide,are worth giving my trust for...are worth fighting for...are worth loving.

so back to why life is mocking me:you see,there are many people with issues,kinda like my trust issues,however,there's one that's quite rare in people.i like to call it the "jojo" complex.this complex is characterised as follows:normal people who absolutely love you.no doubt there.now problem is,when they get really close to you,somehow they feel "threatened" or "suffocated".some say this happens because they don't like to show people how close they are to them,others might argue that its just an unnatural reaction that they have no solution for.
I,ladies and gentlemen,happen to know 2 people who suffer from this complex.and believe you me when i say,not just ANY 2 people.my best friend and my main man.yup...you read that correctly.now do you blame life for laughing at me?
this is the one thing that I've tried to protect myself from my whole life.the "tough bitch" may be as tough as freakin hell..and yet,so vulnerable when i love somebody.it's funny that in college,i realised my best friend had this problem where she keeps coming and going,depending how she feels,and she expects,i quote"to find her place still there" when she decides to get close again.i wonder if she knows how much she's missing in these precious moments while she's g0ne.ofcourse,i do update her,but its very different than actually being there.

my main man suffers from this too.i think life expects me to be angry at him(or her),but honestly speaking I'm not.i admire a person who can look me in the eyes and tell me that they have a problem.he did,and i still love him so freakin much.problem is,this is not MY complex to solve,it's theirs.I'm glad to report that they both know this.they both hurt when they hurt others with this problem of theirs.they also both realise that a solution must be found in order to establish a sense of normalcy in their futures.

As for me,well,i already said what I'm going to do with my best friend in a previous entry,I've stopped fighting,but I'm still there as promised.now as for my main man,we've been taking a form of a "break".this break gives him time to think since I'm giving him space.i explained to him however,that whatever he comes up with when this break is over,he only gets ONE chance.this is my defense mechanism.i am currently hurt which is to be expected,but i shall allow no one to break me,i am anything but a statistic...although i do miss him everyday.I see him,but it's like he's not there.
i respect however that he has some issues to go through,and i pray to God for his sake,if not for mine,that he will find a solution.

Same prayer goes towards my best friend.
i leave soon so time is one luxury i cannot afford.it's passing so fast and as long as I'm still here,still with them,i want to be happy.i want them to be happy.i want it all,or nothing at all.
since I'm not asking for much,there will be no settling and no compromising.

On why I hate my birthday

2007-11-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

So exactly a month ago i hit the big 20. I was expected to get all excited about it,but i wasn't.I'm still not at that age where i dread my birthday,i mean,i don't fear getting older...at least not yet.It's just that i keep comparing my birthdays during the 1st ten years of my life,and the birthdays during the 2nd ten years and here's what i came up with:
first ten years is when i was the princess of the ball on the 6th of October...promises of a pretty dress,a paper tiara,a huge birthday party and huge bag filled with barbies,kitchen sets and hottest dolls at the time always got fullfilled.
in the second ten years there was..well,nothing except for an exception here and there.one example is the huge "sweet sixteen" birthday party i had,and an attempt to "surprise" me for my 19th birthday was one of the sweetest things that my friends have ever tried to do for me.But other than that...well,my birthday was just another day where i got older,and in some ways less happier.
Maybe i was expecting too much,maybe i though that my special day will always be special...like the one day in the whole year that's all about me.to be happy..or not to be.

Anyways,i bitched about how much i hate my birthday for like a month before,what was cute however is how much my friends "nagged" on me to go out for at least a meal.they said it would be fun and the poor souls were more happier than the birthday girl could ever be about that "occasion"...and my bitchy self replied as usual: "but i freakin HATE my birthday!".they got what they wanted anyway...damn i love my nagging friends.

so after alot of nagging and some resistance from me,they got what they wanted. we agreed to meet up for a few hours for a meal (which was anyway all i could manage to arrange with my parents),and i chose to invite people in...well...as batata likes to say "quality not quantity".

Sitting at the head of the table,i stared at some (i'm only mentioning 4 of them for now) of my "favorite people" and thinking back,here's what i saw:
Batata's main squeeze:he bugs the shit out of me!but i wouldn't trade that sweetheart for the world.i mean sure,when he opens his mouth hell breaks loose...and yet,he seems to be the 1st to notice when someone is missing from the room...he's there,constantly,annoying and all,i mean i bicker alot with him,but there's that special moment when he hugs me...after being pissed at him,receiving that hug pretty much makes my day.
Batata:that girl's been questioning her importance in the world and damn she sure doesn't know....i mean,granted,she's internally blonde and gets ALOT of my "are you serious!" looks,she has no clue what she means to me.she's THE sweet spit of my life...hehe,she's special just for being who she is,I'm not so sure i can describe her in words,but I'm going to give it a try concerning her heart:kind,warm and whiter than snow.one love suga...
My best friend:we've been through hell and back together.sure our relationship might not be the same,but its there which is a miracle in itself,hehehe.her "place" in my heart is still the same and as far as I'm concerned will not change.I'm keeping my promise about not fighting anymore,but she's still my future neighbor,and i'm her future FREE baby sitter.I love you,and remember,I'm still here,and I'll be right next to you in prison.
My main man:what do i say about him...its "strange" but many people have already described our relationship as that,hehe.you get me,"i loooooooove u"...and hopefully,while we're dancing,u can spin me and dip me,but never let me fall.

Confession:for the 1st time in 20 years,I'm having thoughts of wanting to stay...weird.
I'm blessed in the sense that when it comes to major decisions in my life,i follow my mind,not my heart...but here's another confession:
As the plane takes off next year,and i remember all that I'm leaving behind and hoping to keep,my mind will quiet down giving my broken heart a chance to ache at its full potential.
Right now,i try not to think much of the future while i prepare for it.i cherish moments spent with my friends,i cherish their smiles,and i want to hug their pain away.No matter what happens,we share memories,and that in my opinion is priceless.

Death..and then we breathe.

2007-09-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

Last week a 17 year old girl died who is related to me by the marriage of her aunt to my uncle.17....
it was an accident,she suffocated in the shower....people...17....

I remember my thoughts and dreams at 17..senior year,Christmas party,prom,camping in wadi rum,studying my butt off....dreaming of the university life I'll have,dreaming of getting my license,dreaming of getting married...and so it goes.

you see,when i went with my mother to the funeral,i heard a lady say that she feels sorry for the girl's family more than she does for the girl.she explained that the girl is with her Creator now and so is well taken care off...but what about the family?
her mother was heavily sedated,so she was calm and responsive,but oh my God the look in her eyes....to give birth to a healthy baby girl 17 years ago and have so many hopes and dreams for her...to have that girl grow up to be a charming young woman,a genius in school,very polite towards family members,very close to her friends,and she loved to sing....now,she's 6 feet under.
This reminds me of a saying that my father and mother always repeat:
"the death of parents is bearable and heals with time..but no parent should die before his children"...i call it cruelty of life.

i can choose to analyse this in 2 ways:
a-life is very ironic.(the whole "life's a bitch then we die" approach).
b-fate..meaning that God only meant for her to live for 17 years,anything more would've meant that worse things might have happened to the girl since God is merciful and he always chooses the best for people.
i know what the mother chose...while everybody were crying around her(including my mom and i who have only met the girl once) she kept saying AL7AMDULILLAH(thank you God).now if you ask me,that's deep unquestioning faith...and i sure wish i had that.

I consider myself to be a person who can differentiate between wrong and right...what i do know about religion i know for a fact,what i do not know i ask about.... and i am deeply offended when people insult my beliefs.However,i am not of the unquestioning type,and those moments of weakness create doubt,which i honestly loathe.

You get those many forwards that make you feel as guilty as hell,the ones that go like "God never asks you for much"and "why do you only remember God when you need something while He always remembers you no matter what"or "you have time to chat with your friends but never to say thank you to God"...and the list goes on...
i find this topic to be important since I'm a very spiritual person if not religious,and no matter how many people who exist out there who don't believe in God, they must believe in some higher power that we have to look up to,its in the human beings nature....if we don't believe,then why the hell are we living?

Not believing in God strips away the tastes,feelings,smells,sounds, and sights of life rendering it meaningless. We who do believe know that for every wrong we will be punished...but we also know that when we pray,God listens...if he chooses not to grant what we wish,it means there would have been no good to come out of it,now THAT i believe.I just need to stop doubting from time to time.

I saw a movie a while back that i absolutely loved because of the philosophy behind it.it was called "Wit"(an amazing movie that i advice all to watch),where a strict professor gets sick then dies a slow painful death...but that's not the point,nor is it the reason of why i like the movie.there's a part in the movies where she's reading a verse from a poem about death,and asks the students why the poet chose to place a comma after the word death-which happened to come in the MIDDLE of the verse-instead of a full stop.the explanation?death is only a brief break,a pause,and then comes another life....
i thought that explanation to be utterly beautiful.

People die...God grants patience and with time forgetfullness...that is a gift.The people who are no longer with us are with God,not forgotten,their time just came to an end when their clock stopped ticking.We cry, we move on and with time and God's help we learn how to breathe again.After all,after death,we breathe....
The above is what i choose to BELIEVE.
What i PRAY for however,is a heart full of Faith,a life full of Hope,and a journey full of Mercy...

Back

2007-09-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in over 4 months and after reading my last post,OMG the change!

So here's whats up.It's the first day of Ramadan,meaning that my 3rd,and hopefully last year of uni will be starting in a few days.This also means that summer is over.I have frequently thought about how I'd feel during my senior year in uni,and if I'd ever regret wanting to graduate earlier.my answer is so far:NO.Although i am 100% sure that i will miss university like crazy,3 years is just right for me,not a year less to want,and not a year more to get fed up.Again,el7amdillah for small blessings.Concerning university however,one thing still concerns me, which is the fact that I'm struggling to graduate with a 3.0 average in order to be eligible to study for my masters in the UK or the US.Hopefully I'll put in all I've got into this final year and be ezen Allah all will turn out well.I don't even wanna get into the whole,where do i study,where will i get accepted,how will i pay for it crap...all in due time.

Now moving on to the whole WOMAN issue...u see,what has changed during this summer is that fact that I've already got 3 months of experience working in a newspaper,ie.my internship that i have completed a few weeks ago.
Second of all,i am glad to report that i have been tutoring for almost 3 months..and yes,it is a big deal.TEACHING+CHILDREN=HEARTATTACK....so I'm working in something where 2 things that i absolutely hate are combined...and the outcome is?a few days where i wanna strangle the children(don't report me to social services,i never have...errr,so far,hehe),but mostly,and thankfully,i learned some patience.to be honest,its not really cuz of what someone once told me,and i quote "its beautiful when you see the look of understanding in the children's eyes"...crap!i do it cuz the pay is decent,so sue me.plus,i don't mind a form of responsibility in my life....and between you and me,spending more time out of the house has been doing me good,so i guess the equation balances itself out.Plus,i am starting a new job in a languages academy that i hope i will be enjoying very much since i will be interacting with adults instead of children,teaching older people is something i definitely don't mind.One thing that a job has in common with uni that i absolutely love is the people i get to meet and sometimes even form new friendships.
Now,now here's the funny part about the "transforming to womanhood" phase:a woman I'm teaching has been recommending a few "suitors" to me...yeah i know what you're thinking...God,i can hear my dad saying"baba,for a girl your age that's totally normal"...and then flashbacks of conversations my best friend and i used to have come into my mind about how exciting that could be,not that we would've considered it,its just nice to be NORMAL,right?nooooooot!!!!now comes the funny part:i couldn't sleep because of how much i hated the idea,and what killed me the most are questions like "didn't i want this?i mean,its nice to be in the whole NORMAL scene"..but then the wake up call comes from my best friend telling me in the nicest way possible "you're not normal..you don't wanna be married in the next year..you wanna graduate and follow your dreams before thinking of settling"..and my God is she right.so that's the end of that.i talked with the lady and was as clear as day "no more recommendations..I'm not ready"..and boy am i not ready....

Generally speaking,all of those incidents have really changed the way i think and the way i view things.one thing i hated in the summer were my grades,but as usual,i still hope for the best in future.however,when a guy FINALLY confessed that he was in fact in love with me(apparently everyone including myself have known for over a year and he recently figured it out,lol),and proposed to come and ask for my hand in marriage in 2 years (he'd argue and say at this point its 23 months),i was shocked when i started asking myself "why the hell not?i mean he loves me so much and is willing to do anything i freaking want!so what the hell is wrong with me??"...I'll tell you whats wrong..i want to love the person back.my worst nightmare would be marrying someone just because they are "appropriate".no matter how great the guy would be,I'd always be miserable cuz I'd be constantly asking myself WHAT IF.Although,i do sometimes wonder what would happen if i don't follow my mom's advise "if you ever had to choose,marry someone who loves you instead of someone you love"...i guess time will only tell.

Now to the biggest part of my life:my friends.i have been very privileged to meet and become very good friends with new people,especially 2 that i would like to mention.first of all a girl whom i truly consider to be my religious conscience,although she doesn't have the link to my blog,i would really hope that she'd stay a constant presence in my life since i swear that girl will lead to my salvation,lol.Another friend,born in the city that gave birth to cool,hehe.dude,you gotta be my soul mate(in a non romantic sense,lol).i never met any other person who gets me the way you do..or just listens.you are in fact one of my closest friends, and a person who is definitely in my heart,you know who you are and you have my utmost respect.
Old friends who i am sorry to say are sorta on shaky grounds right now,is a friend who got married,but since unfortunately he chooses to keep his friendship with me a secret from his wife,i have refused to keep talking to him behind her back.i am not that kind of person,and God forbid that I'd be punished someday if I'd agreed to this.although i know he has the best intentions in his heart,this is one thing that i consider to be totally unacceptable,so hopefully he'll be able to resolve the situation soon,cuz Lord know i miss him to bits.also a high school friend who I've always tried to keep peace with(since our friendship has lasted for 6 years)..apparently,i am not worthy of her friendship anymore,so the way i see it is,i wont be in any one's face if they think I'm a burden.God bless you my dear everywhere you go in life.
for those friends who are over seas,frenchy,you are terribly missed and always loved.you have no idea how precious you are to me.you always say I'm your treasure,and so are you to me big brother.and for the other friend overseas...i know you dont have this link,but still,i gotta say that I'd hate to see 8 years of friendship go to waste just cuz you refuse to stay in touch.its your choice baby girl but i still love you and i know you know it.
For all you friends who do your best to stay in touch,your friendship is treasured,and you will hopefully find the same effort from my end to preserve you friendship,i love you all.
For all you friends who have a bit of tension with me,talk to me,i promise i wont bite your heads off(at least not after the first five mins,lol),but rest assured that i do love you..lets fight,talk about it,make up,then go drink coffee and gossip(batata,welcome back..it sure as hell was not worth it).
now the best for last,for my best friend.you are number on my list and you know it.i promise you,no more arguments.i will not fight for our friendship anymore.I'm tired...and perhaps so are you.so i have learned to step back and wait for you to decide to fight.not fight with me,but fight for a friendship that in my opinion is getting worse by the day,i hope you don't think I'm saying this cuz i want you to "teb3edy" as you like to say.so for always,I'm here for you,but no more compromises.watching "the hills" really helped me to view the past year from a different point of view,so i have taken a decision.i will always be here for you when you need me,but i know i cannot depend on you.so here's the deal.i will stay standing firm on where we currently are in our friendship,until you make me regret my decision last summer...so now the choice is yours,you either give up and walk away,or you fight.if u ask me what i want..well,I'd like you to fight to be honest.I'd like everything we dreamed about to come true.ana sababa enty..

Hopefully,there will be many more posts on the way.I'm turning 20 in less than a month so that should be worth talking about,lol.till then,I'm still an obnoxious bitch when I'm angry,the most sarcastic person on normal days,and mainly you know me,if i love you,then i really do and I'm there for you.y'all know i care,and i pray i never stop caring..from time to time however,my back breaks from fighting if I'm the only one fighting.so you should really determine who's worth fighting for in your lives.If you think i am,then i pray to God that i shall never disappoint you,and if i do,then you have my sincerest apology and my purest pain for an unintentional pain,remember however,bluntness and being honest is one thing,going out to purposely hurt you is a totally different thing...those of you who know i care,then I'm telling i do.i got nothing but love...nothing but love(and perhaps,a slight temper that comes with my 3ajloony heritage,hehe).

From disappointment to a new personality and the journey in between.

2007-05-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

My professor said something in class today that has srtuck a cord in me;he said "if you are not happy where you are now,you will never be happy in any other place in the world"...then he went on to explain that happiness is a state of mind,not location,meaning if you're happy right where you are,you still will be anywhere else you go on this vast earth.That statement got me thinking...

I find it troubling when i think back on my life,because it seems that ever since i was 10 years old,i was just planning to leave this country,and the sooner the better.The thought is still the same at present,the only thing that changed now that I'm older (and ten years later) is that from a teenager hating the country she lives in,i turned into a WOMAN who actually adores it.lol.
two things i want to comment on:1-yes,believe it or not,I'm a woman...not a girl anymore(finally admitting this mortifying fact)...scary.
2-The more i drive around this country of mine,i realize that there are memories in every single street..stories to tell my children someday perhaps...people laughing,lives passing,and heart's getting broken.

After this thought of "growing up" and thus changing,i got myself into this deep self analysis phase(that lasted for a couple of hours but that's besides the point) i figured what the problem is with me.Yes,it is indeed a problem,and the reason of why i want to....what's the word?..."escape" perhaps.It's my strict parents...dad to be specific.Allow me to clarify:I love my dad to death,and i have come to terms with the fact that we will never be close or affectionate towards each other,and it seems that no matter how much i doubt it at times,everyone who knows me and my dad are positive that he loves me so much.Now on the downside,he is as strict as hell!compared to my uncles and my cousins living in the country side,my daddy is the coolest person that ever existed,hehe.i can understnad why they would think that..el7amdillah,i have always had what i needed in terms of the best education,clothes and the best opportunities that life has to offer.Beside,who else does he work hard for?But back to him being strict,you see,dad forgets that i'm almost 20,that he has put me in a life with friends who can actually go and come around this beautiful city(at least every once in a while) and most importantly,that keeping me cooped up in the house has backfired instead of protect me as he'd hoped.

I've already explained in a previous entry that i had the fun of my life from the age of 12 to the age of 18...but having to constantly lie(which i really HATED),sneak around and keep my feelings to myself has changed me into this private person and very distant towards my family,which i still am i think somehow.Thankfully,however,i've aknowledged that the sarcasm that has developed in my teens comes so naturally to me,and the fact that i dont take shit from anybody(a stong personality they say,pah!) didnt change.what did change though,is my awareness,i'm not 16 anymore,and so i shouldnt act like one,and being an "adult"(lol) isnt really bad(rules are there for a reason-the rational side of me....but SOME rules are meant to be broken-the playful "i hate rules" side of me).plus,i do like looking after people as exhausting as it gets,lol.Its funny when i complain to my friends and they say something like"well,did you try talking to him?",hehe.i know they care and they are just trying to help,but in my house,there is no such thing as "talking",we communicate by yelling,and if you try to talk and your opinion is not liked,then boy are you in trouble.I guess every house hold is screwed up in its own way,and i thank God a thousand times that the problems in mine didn't end up screwing me up in anyway,because i still see a bright future ahead of me...and oh,i have to mention that i had the best childhood that a kid could ever hope to have(plus,i WAS your typical daddy's little girl)...blessed is the word,hehe.

Anyways,so as i said,i figured out my main problem,and to sum it up,I've always had a problem with people trying to control me,i mean i don't mind rules,but i value freedom.freedom is way up there on my priority list,so that is ONE of the major reasons of why i want to travel.It wont be easy being a 21 year old alone in a foreign world,but I've long decided to make the world my home,so if i do enjoy all the freedom the world has to offer,and things change back here to get me comfortable enough to get back,then you never know.Its not that my dad has me on a short leash or anything,I'm just too free-spirited for his standards.

I'm going to cover a bunch of topics in this blog so please bare with me.
Disappointment...should someone really expect anything from other people?well,to me the answer is an obvious yes,but most people might beg to differ.I honestly can only think of 1 person who has never disappointed me:my grandmother.she is the my most treasured human being that ever existed on this earth.Of everyone i think of right now,people i love from friends to family,they all have disappointed me one way or the other.now,don't get me wrong,disappointment doesn't mean being immune to making mistakes,its more like being and acting stupid when you consciously know that you are,and in the process end up disappointing people who had expected better judgement of you.

I look around at the current situations of close friends...my best friend is the most careless person I've ever met,Batata is making a huge mistake and whats even worse,she's not being careful about it,and a 3rd friend basically let a guy step over her heart and her whole family's dignity.Am i being hypocritical or judgemental?hell no,they know all of this for a fact and they also know that i can be a disappointment(cant think of a case but ill ask them).what i know for sure however is that i am a disappointment to my parents,not a major one,but one nonetheless.I was never the nerd in school as they hoped,i didn't study to be a pharmacist or an engineer as they hoped,and the worst thing i think for them is that my future plans don't even come close to what they were hoping for me.I wonder,will i also plan out how my kids SHOULD turn out to be,or will i let them be who they are meant to be?

If you have read my previous posts,i think you would notice that although i do have a flaring temper and no patience what so ever,i still remained to be a hopeless romantic,a free spirit,and in my own way,an optimistic person.I don't really know if i want to be that anymore.Again,let me recap,I'm almost 20,still dreaming about getting away,cant hang out with my friends very often(and be there for them the way i want to) because of the strictness of my parents,and i don't even communicate on a personal level with my own father and mother!!Plus,a life full of disappointments gets kinda sucky if you know what i mean.I'm not saying that I'm miserable in any way,I'm just focusing on the bad points in this blog for the sake of explanation,so its not like I'm depressed or anything(thank God),all I'm saying is maybe its time for a change in personality.

So I'm making a drastic life changing experiment,I'm going to try to live (at least for a while) in a state of carelessness.I will not care about what goes on with anyone at all in this world,i will try to lose my sarcasm(though this really is a key point in my personality) and maybe even just do whatever the hell i please like when i was younger just cuz i "feel" like it.you never know,i might like it and even stick to it(I'm told that it makes a person's heart ache less,so why the hell not??).On the other hand,it might kill me slowly from inside,because for some odd reason,even as a child and in my "wild phase" as some like to call it,i cared...passionately.I fought...passionately.I loved...passionately.will someone perhaps come along and change me back?well,I'm a hard girl...sorry,WOMAN...to convince,but if you do get through to me....then maybe.Think first though:am i really worth saving?does the world really need one more person to worry all the time,to bitch about things in order to set them right and to perhaps be genuinely happy about life's small pleasures?

MAYBE.

Systematic yet unpredictable

2007-04-27T04:01:00.000-07:00

My friends were making jokes about me a few days ago;apparently,I'm one of those people who have a "system" concerning everything,and you know what,i found out that they are right.

Ever since i was a kid i had to have my toys organized a certain way,and if someone messed them up i was on the verge of tears!even when i was a teenager,i hated it when someone came into my room,and you know what,i could always tell if a piece of paper was touched and moved only by 1 cm.and right now i obsess on which exit to turn to when I'm driving or where i sit in class.

I'm a very systematic person indeed,but only when it comes to me,not to others.if they removed the big screen TV in my house's living room i wouldn't notice,if my brother shaves the hair on his head off,i wouldn't notice,and if my friends changed their cars it would take me a long time to notice.hehe,i guess I'm just weird like that.

On the other hand,being systematic I've noticed hasn't turned me into a predictable person,i mean sure,my friends know i like sitting in certain places,avoiding traffic by taking certain roads and i don't like anyone touching my stuff without my permission...other than that,I'm always ready for an adventure,which is why uni life doesn't really get boring.

On a final note,i believe that being systematic makes me feel comfortable,but at the same time,being unpredictable by just deciding something and going for it is what makes me happy and thus keeps me smiling.plus,people do say i look pretty when i smile,so what's the harm,eh?

Blessing or Curse?

2007-03-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

Which is better:to care too much,or not to care at all?
This is a question that i always read on the bottom of stupid forwards i get,and somehow,i feel that it is meant for me.

It seems that every time a friend of mine is hurt,i end up hurt with them.I deal with my own heartbreaks very privately.i noticed this fact because after i recover is when i really start talking about what was bothering me.i realize how unhealthy that is,but its just the way i am i guess.

About a year and half ago,i went from being this overly sensitive person that cried about everything good and bad,to not being able to shed a single tear.thing is,i didn't mind being that way,hehe.things changed though.let me explain:my friends describe me as being the motherly type,i hurt for them,hold them while they cry,then try as best as i can to fix whatever it is broken in their life...and when i cant,i feel helpless,which in my opinion is the worst feeling a person can get.

She called me after midnight to cry about what a jerk he is...he called me to tell me that she rejected him and that he really wanted her...he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loved her and couldn't get over her...she called me telling me how pointless life is now that they're not together anymore.
my reaction:i give them a time limit to be hurting,and then i start pulling them up as best as i know how.i keep saying:YOU FELL,AND ITS ALRIGHT,BUT YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO STAY DOWN THERE FOR A WHILE,THEN ITS TIME TO GET UP,SO GET UP!

Problem with all of this,is that i ache as much as they do.I've been heartbroken,and the pain is so strong its almost crippling.so yes,i do understand,and thus i get the need to cry it out,to be hugged,to feel love more than any other time.its just that i cant cry anymore,i don't know why,i mean i still manage to cry when i see stories on TV about kids in Africa or when my mother and i have a fight and i get so angry!

My theory is that my tears are just locked up in my heart.of course concerning my friends,i still have my mind functioning clearly so I'm able to give advice when it is needed.Concerning myself,however,my mind is completely shutdown and i become NUMB.it gets so quiet inside my soul that if i try to listen really hard,i can only hear my aching heart beating steadily,and all that's left in the thundering silence when i fall asleep on a pillow wet from my tears,is the deep echo of an ache so strong that it manifests in a form of raw pain.

So back to the troubling question...is it really better to be absolutely carefree and just enjoying life and to the hell with the rest?or is it better to care for a world that doesn't give a damn?
well,i guess some people will really have a tendency to answer this differently than others would, i mean who would want to ache for a lifetime instead of get a trouble free life?

I would...life is all about choices,and i figure whats the point of living if you want to be careless and numb to others?If life was only black and white then this would indeed be my choice,the only thing I'd ask for in return though,is to get back the ability to cry,because i truly do believe it lessens the pain.maybe it will...someday.till then,i will still hurt for them,still feel for them,still stand tall,and still be there for them all.

The truth about lying

2007-03-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

I had a friend once whom i respected,cherished and loved....then i lost him.
you see,there was nothing wrong with the guy,he was athletic,good-looking,sweet,charming,eloquent and even religious...or was he?

This old friend of mine,or shall i say "ex-friend" had only one problem,and unfortunately it was a major one...he lied like he breathed.what was so sad is that i was so close to him and if he would have told me that the sky is violet i would've believed him.I wouldn't consider myself to be naive cuz believe you me,he had everyone convinced that he was this self-righteous guy.

Anyways,to make a long story short,i decided along with my 2 other friends to cut relations with him.I decided this only after this major fight we had and then when the truth was revealed about him 2 weeks later.Plus,i do believe that lying is like cancer,it spreads like a disease,and if "you" keep it up,it will kill you slowly.

Now here's the catch,from all of you who read my blog...well,this "old" friend of mine has this link and i know for a fact that he reads my blog.i don't mind,and i also like it when he sends me an occasional email telling me of how he's doing and what he thought about my latest post.Funny thing is,i never reply,but both me and him know that i do read his emails.other than that there is no contact.

Although for a short while i was really angry about what his lies have done to me and our friendship,it was always what his lies have done to HIM that angered me the most.Truth be told,i never hated him.I still don't,in fact,and i don't believe i ever will.

There are days when i honestly miss calling him up just to complain about my day,to check up on him or just to read some good "nizar qabani" poems.I miss discussing politics or religion with him.i miss comfortable silences that were between us.I miss him giving me this look and telling me "a555 ya mostabedda!".hehe.

I could write a whole page of what i miss,but i would be lying if i said that i regret my choice of ending the friendship.I have recently found out how correct that decision was.I have heard that he still lies about things,and i fear that it will never change.

At present,his lying in no way affects my life.if he does decide to lie to anyone about anything that concerns me,it wouldn't affect me since we're not friends anymore.It might hurt,but Allah ysam7o.He once called and i don't really know what happened during that conversation...he either tried to justify his lies or tell me that what i heard was exaggerated.he even tried to blame some of it on others.at the end of that conversation however he asked for my forgiveness and indirectly admitted to his wrong doing...i do forgive him from all my heart...it is believed that "to err is human...to forgive is divine".

I have sworn to never discuss this again with him if he opens the subject anytime in the future..if we get in touch that is.I do pray with all my heart that for his sake he can learn to stop lying...he might say that he doesn't,but me and him both know what really goes on in his head.he once laughed and told me "how come you know me better than i know myself?!".I cant tell you how,but i can tell you this:i believe in you,you have the potential to change the world,and you are a great guy.

If i can be your muse for one day only,I'd inspire you not to lie,and once you achieve that,you'll own the world.

special stuff,tiny treasures and precious possessions

2007-03-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

Every person has trinkets that he/she love,and I'm no exception.
Some of the "special stuff" that i own are old stuffed animals that I've had since i was a baby.I still keep them on a shelf in my room since each remind me of something that makes me feel happy.
My "tiny treasures" include souvenirs that either i had collected from different places,or some that friends and family got me.they are mostly key chains that i collect.its like having a piece of different countries with different cultures around that world,and when i hold the key chains,its like holding the world between my hands.
Under my bed there's a box with my "precious possessions".These include cards from close friends on birthdays,small gifts from people who mean the world to me and tiny memories in the form of what anyone else looking into that box would consider to be "junk".
Recently added to my list of things i love,is a beautiful necklace,in the form of an angel,that i had always imagined having,which was given to me as a belated birthday gift from a very close friend (also known as "batata" in a previous blog,hehe).
If you could only see my room you'd notice that i have alot of "junk" lying around,but in truth,everything i own has a story behind it..a memory that always puts a smile on my face and fills my heart with warmth whenever i walk by my truly beautiful junk.

The Importance of turning 20

2007-03-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

I called my best friend last week at midnight exactly since it marked her birthday...not any birthday,her 20th.I know people usually fuss about sweet 16s (and boy did i have a party for that) and turning 18 when some things become legal (particularly driving over here) and 21 when u can basically do anything that the law allows.but 20...that's a big leap,the "teen" word is dropped...no more blaming stupid acts on raging hormones,no more parents yelling saying "you're only (number)teen!"and for some odd reason the falafel dude seems to be offended when you call him "3amo",and he'd rather call you "ya5ty"(or "ya5oy" if your a guy).

On the other hand,parents still refuse to believe that their kids are actually growing up,annoying...but human nature,i get that.Also,pimples don't seem to miraculously disappear,and curfew is not extended....so bummer.

I don't want to sound fragmented by jumping from one point to another in my story (like Tristram Shandy),but back to my phone call to my best friend.We basically talked about growing up,generally.i mean that's a constant job,a person never really stops growing up,however 20 seems to be different.it marks our stay on planet earth for 2 decades,a generation all grown up now,ready to graduate,take on the responsibility of work and then eventually get married....hmmm.Is it normal?yes.Am i scared?Shitless.

I think most people have a "to do" list.Mine has a limit...6/10/2007,my very own 20th birthday.I am sad to say however that not even a few of the things that i want to do on that list i have actually done.Examples?Skydiving,bungee jumping and learning how to play the guitar....maybe in the next 7 months...or just someday.

Although I'm expressing my fears,i don't want anyone to get me wrong,i welcome the upcoming years so BRING IT ON!!!What's the importance of turning 20?I concluded that its all about welcoming the next 20 years with a clear mind,renewed faith and an open heart.

A funny story

2007-02-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

So 2 days ago,i had to buy 2 books important courses I'm taking in uni.Luck has it that that particular day was Valentines day.Being single,that day really wasn't a big deal for me,though i have t admit the romance in the air was a little nauseating(people would argue that I'm jealous,but whatever,hehe).Anyways,my friend,lets call her batata just for the sake of anonymity,asked me with that puppy eye look to get her the same 2 books that I'm getting.Of course i couldn't say no,even after she gave me her notebook and book to carry around that day on top of my own book and notebook.I couldn't really say no also because it was her 1st actual date with a guy she really loves(also a good buddy of mine,but an idiot nonetheless).

Anyways,i dragged 2 friends with me to go buy the books from the other side of uni,which is a long way to walk by the way,but hey,its exercise,so why not?!I didn't even mind walking through this area next to the bookshop where they were cleaning the sewers.Now,i had previously asked batata to send me a message with the exact name of the 2 books,and she sure did...except that,although she gave me the exact name of the 1st,concerning the second,the text read "tell him(the man selling the books) something with an h"....i know,jaw dropping,i could swear that second that batata was internally blonde.

I have already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that patience is no virtue of mine,and it sure as hell wasnt in this case,so upon receiving this message i counted to 10 and took a deep breath before calling batata.After yelling at her to my hearts content,she promised to get me the exact name in 2 minutes.She didn't,shocked?

After leaving my 2 friends waiting outside,I went into the book store and got the 2 books with the correct name,and even managed to get the 2 books that start with an h.of course the look on my face was all but amusing when i saw the size of those 4 books.i mean Goddammit!they were the thickest books I've ever seen!!!

Now here's the thing,i was already carrying 2 books in my arms,and 2 notebooks in my bag when i paid for the 4 books.There were 8 young men in the store with me also buying books,and when presented with the dilemma of carrying the books,do you think any of the "gentlemen" offered to help??hmm...I somehow managed to carry everything outside,so lets leave it at that.Now when i got outside,my 2 friends that i had actually brought along to aid me,were nowhere to be seen,so i had to cross the vast parking lot to find them chatting casually on a bench...please in any point of this story don't forget what i was carrying.

Each of the girls with me carried one of the thick books on the way back to our lectures,and by the time i got to my lecture hall-arms broken after separating with the 2 girls,with 3 of the 4 thick books(not to mention the 2 notebooks and 2 other books) and also 2 minutes late for my lecture-my mood lifted because i generally had an interesting class...or nothing too boring lets say.

After my lecture,i looked at all the books that i had to carry again to the parking lot to dump in my car,and i realized that i was physically unable to carry them on my own anymore because my arms were still aching.Anyways,i figured I'll just call to check up on batata and her date.I was really happy,however,to find out that she was on her way back to uni,she was actually 2 minutes away from me,so i kindly asked her to come and help me carry the books.Of course her reaction shocked me,it seems that i was extremely dumb,because her reply was"well if you have alot of books ,why carry them around with you? just take them to your car!!!",and she said it in such a matter-of-fact matter that i was like DUH!!!why didn't i think of that.I proceeded to apologize for my stupidity and said that i will do just that.Of course I'm sure that my friends just missed the fact that i enjoyed carrying the books around so much that i completely forgot,or even better,i didn't even think of that in the 1st place!!!

After this intelligent conversation,i called my best friend and asked her to meet me half way from where she was so she can help me carry the darn books.I get there,half way that is,and I'm glad to see that she's walking towards me with a male friend.Now imagine this,while I'm walking towards them,trying to go as fast as i could because i could swear that my arms almost fell off,and barely able to catch my breath,the STROLL towards me...as slow as their feet can carry them,no need for urgency while their tired out of breath friends with the all the books tries not to stumble.Anyway,things get better when they actually get to me,and i dump all books on our friends,the dude,hehehe.

The four of us head to the parking lot,and we had to depart with out male friend at the 1st floor cuz he needed to get his books from his car to catch his lecture on time.No problem.he hands me the books again,and i don't bother to tell my best friend anything because she was apparently engrossed in this important phone call,also no problem.Even while she was having this important phone call,while i was still struggling with all the books,she still found a sec to turn to me and gesture for me to hurry up...no problem.

We get to the car,she finishes her phone call,and is bitchin about some problem that a friend is having,now normally,i wouldn't mind listening to her if i weren't so busy trying to balance all the books while fishing for my keys in my stuffed bag...i find them,i open the car,i dump the books!!!mission achieved...finally,so no problem after all.

After my long day and aching arms,i call batata once again telling her how imperative it is for her not to be late for our 3:30 lecture.i emphasize the importance of this particular lecture,and even "nicely" ask her to be there even 5 minutes earlier.she agrees.you think she got there on time?10 minutes late for the lecture,and she even almost throws up on the way....NO FREAKIN PROBLEM.

Been a while

2007-02-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

I guess the only time I'll get to write anything on my blog would be on weekends,cuz it seems like on weekdays i never have time since uni started again.I love going to uni,its fun.My classes however,are a totally different matter.My classes absolutely suck,and not to mention half of my professors.

Every class that i tried taking with a certain professor got changed,just my luck!(i still don't believe in luck,its just an expression,hehe).I try to look on the bright side however,most of those teaching me like me,I'm meeting a bunch of new people everyday,and I'm back to eating the lousy but ever so yummy uni food.

One thing I'll miss about being off is reading.i barely have time to do schoolwork,let alone read books for my personal entertainment.its safe to say that I'm happy...generally i mean.concerning life that is,el7amdillah.

Frustrated!

2007-02-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept well for 3 nights,and not because i keep imagining the perfect guy who will never come,or because the maid came into my room to get something,or not even because my mom woke me up to have pancakes for breakfast.Believe it or not,i got my marks recently,and i ain't happy with them.

I worked hard the past semester,didn't even mind being called a "nerd"(a cool one for that matter,if such a thing exists,hehe),and what do i get?3 A's,2 B+'s and 1 B.I know i know,those look good,huh?and thank God for everything,but honestly speaking,i didn't study to get a B or 2 freakin B+'s!!!!

For the past 3 nights,i have had a hard time sleeping because i kept thinking about what i could have done better to deserve those A's i worked for...if you think that any answer came to mind,then you're wrong.Nil.Natta.Zip.Zero.BIG FREAKIN' NOTHIN'!!!I can honestly say that i have done my best and i truly do believe that i deserve A's in those subjects.I'm not a snob or anything,but when someone is on the top of their class and they know it,like myself,they deserve the highest grades!am i right or am i right???

I try to work hard to get what i want,i don't expect to get anything on a silver platter(I've always wondered why its silver and not gold in that expression...),and although i do like to live by the "no expectations no disappointments" motto,i have to be realistic;i need the high grades to get a scholarship if i want to pursue a graduate degree in the UK in the US.

I'd like to end this blog by a quote from a song by Kid Rock,"You get what you put in,and people get what they deserve...still i ain't seen mine,no i ain't seen mine...I've been giving just ain't been gettin'...I've been walking that there line...so i think I'll keep on walking with my head up high...i keep moving on,and only God knows why."

Selfishness

2007-02-02T05:28:00.000-08:00

Recently,my best friend told me something that i never knew about her before.You see,you have to understand something about me and her before i mention what she said;we are different,in the sense that I'm considered to be the loud one,as opposed to her quiet nature.I'm the stubborn one,while she's easy going.Plus I'm the more "in your face" speak my mind bluntly kind of person,while she's more smooth and subtle in voicing her opinion.On the other hand,however,we are both crazy and fun loving girls that are always there for each other.

Back to my point,apparently she has grown up to be a people pleaser,not a door matt in any sense,just doing everything in her life to please the people around her...especially her parents.Now on first impression,you might think that that's a good thing,but on the contrary,she told me that the only time she's been truly happy is when she started college.She started doing things that made HER happy instead of caring what anyone else wanted.Unfortunately,for a while there she made a couple of mistakes,but after falling she got up again and learned from her mistakes(or at least i hope so).

After discussing the reason for her recent change in behavior,not that i mind as long as she's happy and careful,i started reflecting on my own 19 years of life.I don't recall ever doing anything that i didn't like just to make others happy.honestly speaking,i do like making people happy,and i absolutely would get out of my way if i could do something that can bring a smile to the faces of those i love and care about...but doing something that would make me UNHAPPY is a total different issue.

I guess after realizing this about myself,i can see why some might call me selfish,but i don't think its justified,because why would someone who allegedly cares for me,ask me to do something that would hurt me or make me unhappy?there's no reason in that if you ask me.if you have to do something,then you just HAVE to do it..but when presented with an option,then go ahead and do what YOU want.

I don't think i was born with these specific thoughts,but the thing is,i was never the prettiest in my class in school,never the smartest,never a good athlete,so although i do remember trying to impress my teachers,colleagues and even parents,most times i have come out to be a total disappointment.I learned that life is too short to try to live up to people's expectations,I'm going to be a first rate version of myself.

2007-01-26T04:21:00.001-08:00

A wild horse

2007-01-26T04:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I start comparing myself with my girlfriends,mentality wise.I find it extremely ironic how one way or another,they all think the same way concerning a very specific issue:marriage.I don't want to be misunderstood,i think 90% of all girls growing up,including myself,dream about growing up,getting married to men they love and eventually becoming mothers.Now here's the controversy,i know for a fact that a few of my friends don't want that at all,some who don't want it till at least they're 30,and others who are just doing it early because "the right opportunity" has come.What's even more ironic than what i mentioned is that I'm talking about a bunch of 19 year old girls,i mean come on!they are not desperate women in their 30's,they still have the rest of their lives ahead of them!

I'm honestly not against marriage at all,for instance,I'm the one who always goes on and on about the "perfect" guy,which mind you i will find someday,and also I'm pretty sure that God put me on this earth to someday become a mother,which is probably why i have strong maternity feelings towards any baby i carry between my arms.I want that whole dream,probably before i turn 30,where i see myself sitting next to my husband while we watch our kids play with a dog in the front yard...but just not quite yet.

Here's how i can describe myself:if you believe in myths where human beings will be reincarnated in animal body's when they die(which i don't but this is for the sake of explanation),i would be reincarnated into a horse's body,a wild horse to be exact...no boundaries,no limits,no restrains...just pure freedom.Before i decide to settle down with a family of my own that i do desperately want,i want to leave home and live my life the way i want to.Don't get the wrong idea,I don't mean i wanna run wild or anything,hehehe,but just get to know myself better after breaking free...i don't know how I'm gonna do that,perhaps by braiding my hair,putting on a cowboy hat then sitting in the shade of a tree somewhere in the middle of Texas and singing while i play the guitar...hehe,simple but very fulfilling.

Life is short,so I want to choose a lifestyle to compliment me,not to complete me.God has created me as a complete human being already,not perfect,but perfect in my imperfection,and i feel it when I'm carefree,happy and just acting like ME.All i want for now,is the wind in my hair and to face the fear without being scared,just like a wild horse,i wanna open up my heart to the world and then,when I'm ready,I'll hopefully settle after recklessly falling in love like I'm longing to.

Lucky me!!!

2007-01-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine was telling me about how lucky he is to have a certain kind of lifestyle and he went on to describe what he loves about his life,so listening to what he had to say,i casually said"you should thank God for what you have sweety".His reaction?"Nah,I'm just lucky".Lucky????LUCK????what the hell IS freakin luck???

I've never been a person to believe in such a thing called luck.Ever heard of destiny or fate?Disregard what people want to believe,the fortune that God gave them wasn't by accident,it wasn't "luck".Every person has had a whole plan set out for him for his entire life,in other words its meant to be,whether good or bad,God tests you,and if u pass,He rewards you.

"Why don't i have hair like hers?","why aren't i as rich as he is?","how come his ride is cooler than mine?"......stop envying the fortunes of others and be thankful for what God gave you.You are just perfect in your imperfection,and learn to be comfortable in your own skin so you can appreciate what you have.Remember,you are NOT lucky,just simply Blessed.

Tango

2007-01-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

I was watching this movie about a week ago where tango was described as "sex on hardwood",hehehehe.I like that to be honest,its a funny description.I would love to learn how to dance tango,salsa and even mambo!!!Who wouldn't?

Learning how to dance professionally was something i always wanted,a dream you can say.The strength you need to have in your body for all the lifts and turns is extraordinary,plus,dancing makes the dancer look so graceful...or so i think.The difference shows between a person who can dance tango just because they learned and practiced daily,and the one who just pure enjoys it.Both can be absolutely professional,but trust me,passion shows in the eyes of the person even if they try to conceal it.It also helps to love or "be passionate" towards the person you're dancing with,then the description "sex on hardwood" wouldn't hurt,hehe.

The reason i mentioned the dancing as an example is that i think you have to have passion in your heart to perfect anything...passion to study to be someone in the future,passion to play the guitar,passion to sing..."you can do anything you set your mind to",a professor of mine once said.I think what he meant by that is not just trying to get something just because you can,its more like when you really want something with all your hear...reach for the stars,there are no limits...

King Arther

2007-01-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching the movie "King Arther" for like the 10th time a few nights ago.It's one of my favorite movies,i mean,the story is great,and so are the characters(good looking male actors,hehe) and the setting,you name it!I have to admit however,the part i love the most is that there are actual "MEN" in this movie...men who still appreciate love and romance,men who fight for a cause,and men who even fear death,and yet would do anything for their freedom..

The reason why I'm mentioning this,is I look around,and at least in my university,I don't know "men",the macho type lets say.I mean,sure,perhaps they do exist,but honestly speaking,i haven't seen ANY!its sad,isn't it?I gotta admit though,I have great male friends,but they're just "guys",know what I mean?

I was discussing this with one of my "male friends" and he accused me of apparently being a dreamer and told me to "get real".We grow up watching Disney movies believing that anything is possible.I remember believing that i would become a fairy or a mermaid if i stayed good(wild imagination if u ask me),but i also remember that Snow White,Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty had actual men fighting for them,so don't you think its sad that Disney is basically showing us what could have been,what men actually used to be a long time ago(or so history says),and yet there's a guy telling me to "get real"???Is how you're hair looks today really more important than what's inside you're heart??

I pride myself on being a girl who always fights to get what she wants,and usually i do earn it,so yes,i am a dreamer and proud of it too.I wanna end up married to that kinda man,and who knows...Tinkerbell might sprinkle some pixie dust on me,and I'd fly to chase my dreams...who knows indeed.

Music talk

2007-01-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

I consider myself some sort of a "music freak",if such a thing actually exists.Alot of people are shocked that I enjoy English music more than Arabic,which should be the case since I live in Jordan,my beloved country.Maybe the influence came from my mom (she's American),because growing up I remember her always having the radio on,English music channel of course,and singing along.

Anyway,to get to my point,I recommend Avant's song "lie about us".You see,I really find the lyrics to be annoying!I mean,no one wants to find themselves in this love triangle!You have this guy with this terrific girlfriend that loves him alot,and then he just finds a new girl that also loves him and he loves her back!Now he wants to leave his girlfriend to get with the other girl officially but he doesn't want to break his girlfriend's heart,yet the other girl says she's just tired of waiting for him!Life's just not fair,if falling in love was only a choice...

Another song that's really good is "It's not over" for Chris Daughtry.I've been a fan of this guy since he appeared on American Idol,the lyrics are amazing and so is the music,not to mention his voice.

Last song i would like to mention is called "just like a star" for Corinne Bailey Rae.How can i describe this song?Let's see...its a song you put on when the weather is really cold,preferably raining,and you're home alone,you don't feel like going out,so you just sit by the fireplace,wrapped in a warm blanket,drinking some hot chocolate,and deep in thought about your life...where its going...your future...

That's it for now I guess,this is why I love this web page of mine,I felt to write my thoughts with no conditions,meaningless perhaps to some,yet for me,i like the idea of writing about nothing and absolutely everything...hehe.

later...peace.

Discovery

2006-12-31T08:42:00.000-08:00

Its new year's eve,and I was watching the video for Saddam Hussein's execution,believe it or not this is how I found out about this website,apparently when you finish watching the video,you can choose to post it on your "blog".Now since i had no idea what a blog is,i found the website,did the quick tour that is offered,and thought,what the hell!I never kept a diary or wrote down my thoughts so why not...

I firmly do believe that politics is dirty,and I would like to think that most people agree.I also know for a fact that its dangerous,so I don't really like to discuss it,but just for a brief moment,please allow me to mention this:my life has never been affected neither negatively nor positively by Iraq's former president Saddam Hussein,so I wont be giving you this long speech about my political opinion...blah blah blah,I will,however say that its not right under any circumstance to execute someone on the first day of Eid,nor is it OK to do it on Christmas day or any other religious holiday for that matter...I'll leave it at that.May God have mercy on every body's soul,Amen.(Inna lelah wa inna elayhi raje'oon).

On a brighter note,goodbye 2006!!!I mean,don't get me wrong,I wouldn't categorize it as an awful year really,but it wasn't the best either.IF i had to choose the worst thing that probably happened to me it would be depression.For 2 months i suffered from serious depression for no reason i can think of,and living here (as in this particular country),i couldn't really go up to my parents and be all like "yo!ma,pops,I'm seriously depressed y'all,need some professional help!"hehehe,just thinking about my parent's reaction is purely comical.It's also my dad's birthday today,so usually,we take him out to dinner to one of his favorite retraunts,but since he and my mom had a very stupid fight last night,we're stuck at home,yay for us!

Hmm,funny bunch of issues to mention on my first blog,but oh well,its a start i guess.I'll stop here for now,I don't know when my next blog will be posted,but hopefully soon enough.
Here's to 2007,cheers everybody!