About them,About me

She makes me happy.She also confuses me.I love her too much for my own good i think, but then again,don't all sisters love each other like that? I guess so. Sometimes i want to hug her and keep her protected in my arms forever.Someday she will be taller than i am,prettier and smarter. I will still kiss her on the cheek and call her my baby.
I came home a couple of weeks ago to see her smiling and overly hyper. Her eyes smiled, her face smiled, her whole being smiled. I asked her what was up, and she shyly whispered to me in all of her 10 year old innocence that she got to speak with her "boyfriend". Her first love. Her childhood friend. She had a "date" to speak to him again the next day, she was so excited she barely could fall asleep. If i could summarize all the wonderful moments that are worth living on this earth, I would summarize them in the innocent smile of a 10 year old falling in love.

This other girl. She's fresh, young, rebellious. I might like her a little more than everyone else because she reminds me of my younger self. She had this brilliant future ahead of her, full of many smiles, rides across countries and a string of boys with broken hearts along the way.It was her destiny....or perhaps not.
Just like everyone her age, she makes mistakes and hopefully learns from them. I made mistakes when i was her age, but i was very lucky...or at least much luckier than she is. I'm sure she'll be OK, but what kind of cruel lesson is life trying to teach her? She's alone. She 14. She's pregnant.

He's already 30. Not too young but also still young enough, especially for a guy. He is much better than he thinks he is, he doesn't want pity, and i don't want to give him pity. I would just like to show him the potential that i know he has, and the potential that he suspects that he has.
I understand him when he tries to summarize himself for me...he keeps it simple, just the way i like it. He tells me: I just want to write. And all i wanna do? Memorize everything he writes.

What's wrong with her? She always used to wonder. Till the doctors gave her the answers. She felt she was going insane, but now her doctors control her mind disease by pumping her with meds. It keeps the darkness from consuming her. And yet, she still tries to smile.Tries is the key word here.
She wants to figure life out, some things are too close for comfort for her, simple things, like getting close to other human beings. She's only 22.She just wants to write too. She's me.

An Ode To Roger

A few months ago,i tried my luck by buying a hamster.Then a few weeks after that i bought another one to keep the first one company.They are stinky,they eat alot and they are noisy.But i loved them both.
Yesterday i came home to find that my first hamster, an orange one called Roger, was barely moving. He was still alive,but he was also dying. I wrapped him up,tried to feed him...nothing worked.I could feel his tiny little heart beats go slow. I shed a few tears,and i think mina's heart was broken. She told me to try to save him,to take him to work with me and take care of him.
I wrapped his little body trying to keep him warm and put him back in his cage. I didnt have the guts to see if he was ok this morning, so i left for work without checking up on him.My little sister called me int he afternoon to tell me that Charlee,my other female hamster, had chewed roger's head off after he died. Ofcourse being the coward that i am,i told them to clean up the mess before i got home.I told them to throw Roger's mutilated body away.I dont even wanna keep Charlee anymore.

Ofcourse as much as it hurts me,i shouldnt be shocked. I tend to usually lose anything that i love.Apparently my love is a curse.lol.I've been dreaming lately that i'm having kids,and everytime i either drop the baby,or just dont love it.This scares the bloody s*** outta me,especially since i'm the one who's expected to be a good mom.Here's the thing though,no matter how many dreams i have,or nightmares in this case, i know that when i get what i want,whether ready or not,i will love them with every single beat of my heart.And you too will do that my friens,even if you dont think so.

The thing is even after i spent the night of new year's eve at home(AGAIN), i still made sure to put on a smile next day,put on a cheery song, and rememeber that i can always better my life if i choose to.

I work now so my life has gotten a little more...on the slow pace.I'm making money though which feels good,although i do work long hours. I will try to travel to see the world with the money i save since i'm still single and young enough to do so.
I decided that this time i will not make any new year resolutions,i will live my life as it comes so i wont face any disappointments.I will do my best.I'm going to keep moving on and going strong.
So 2010....i'm already gone.

Think not

Every single blog entry of mine,or almost all of them, have 2 things in common.First,i seem to talk about all the changes that happened in my life. Second, i tend to thank God every chance i get for the little blessings that seem to linger in my life. The first point remains naturally the same, we all change as life throws its curves at us, however the second is not going to be exactly the same anymore. This entry will deal with broken promises, ending relationships, and a changed perspective of faith.

Starting on a positive note,i got my masters with merit,and i received an A for my dissertation. My hard work didn't go to waste thankfully. I came back home 3 months ago, and the first job i applied to i got,with a great salary too if i may add. Now to everyone around me i seem to have the perfect life,except that..well,me being me,i get bored way too quickly. Still,at this point of my life,it's all good.However,I'm sick of drama. This is why i reached a point where I'm sick of friendship.Don't get me wrong,i still love all my friends and I'm willing to help them anyway i can and anytime they need me,however,since most of them intentionally spice up their life by adding some drama,I'm not willing to participate this time. My "ex" best friend put my life in so much drama for so long that i currently have a negative reaction for it. It's OK if my life was a bit boring with routine,i can live with that,but no more drama please.at least not for a while.

You might be wondering why i had "ex" between quotation marks, and so this brings me to the subject of broken promises. I should really stop promising myself stuff. For example,my ex best friend is my best friend again.Granted,out relationship will never be exactly that same way it was a few years back,but I'm glad she's back since its like a missing part of my life came back.This includes the promise i made saying that if i leave the country I'll never come back....well here i am!meh....that's a long story i don't wanna get into.but in a nutshell,no more promises.

I feel kinda guilty for not writing in my blog for such a long time. After much nagging from a new friend i made here i am again. The thing is my blog seems to portray a side of me that not many people see...and i guess i prefer to keep it that way. Speaking of that new friend of mine,let's call him m3allem for namesake, is married and believe it or not as an Arab he is in an open relationship! I have to say that although i don't necessarily agree on the concept,i respect his courage to say it out loud. Funny thing about this new friend is that i have absolutely nothing in common with him.yet we are friends.Oh well,it seems to somehow work. what's interesting is that he reminds me of another friend of mine in the sense that this guy can pour his heart out when he writes. He even wrote something that i read for his wife and that i absolutely love. The thing is,i have a friend who wrote and read poetry for me,and its weird how i always said that I'd marry a guy who could write poetry for me,or who would at least love me passionately, but the funny thing is when i actually did meet a guy like that, i couldn't love him back.Is something wrong with me?

Moving on to the subject of faith. Unfortunately after i started my OCD episode one year ago and didn't even know it,no amount of prayer made me feel better.Of course everything is fine now since I'm on medication, but my relationship with the man upstairs isn't how it used to be.I cant say I'm all out of faith,because that will be a life,i mean i have my moments. But generally speaking I'm a million miles off where i used to be. I keep thinking of what my friend once told me...he said "i envy those who believe,their lives are a lot more peaceful that those of us who don't".He is so right.

My best friend went to a fortune teller a few days ago.What pissed me off is she told her everything I've been saying for the past few years FOR FREE!the funny thing is that she told her after 1 heart break-which mind you I've already had-I'm gonna find the love of my life.I don't think such a thing exists. My new friend told me a few days ago that I'm single because I'm a thinker.

Although i can say for sure I'm content in my current situation,it seems that my future has 2 paths laid out for me...either i give up my way of thinking and settle for the life that every typical girl wants to have,or i stay true to myself and risk not having many things that i do eventually want.I can fly,smile and dance on my own.I'm strong on my own...but what if from him i never want to part?

Lipstick marks on my coffee cup

Here I am again.

Months have passed again and I can only tell how much I've grown and how many things have changed in my life from reading this blog. When i go to work in the morning,i usually buy some coffee,an old favorite that i am allowed to enjoy again. Every time i get off the train and am about to dispose of the coffee cup i tend to pause for a few seconds.There are lipstick marks on my coffee cup.The lipstick marks are the same i used to see on my mama's coffee cups when i was a kid,or all the 'grown up' women i saw.I always used to assign the title 'grown up' to one of my older female cousin when i checked if their coffee cups had lipstick marks or not.And guess what?Mine do now.everyday.
This blog entry will deal with engagements, OCD, and many good-byes.

So,let's start with my reoccurring guest of honor, my best friend. I've given up being angry at her, or calling her my EX best friend or even hoping that if she "wakes up" we can go back to being careless 19 year olds driving with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. She called me to tell me that she got engaged to a guy that i personally consider to be an asshole.Now let's be fair for a second, no matter what i think of him, she DOES love him,and as the cliche goes,love is blind, and so can i really blame her for being in love?the answer is a simple no.Can i blame her for the way our friendship is now?The answer is yes.The funny thing she thinks that i HATE her fiance...i'm not really saying that she's wrong,i mean hate is a strong word,its more like extreme dislike. However, she thinks that i blame HIM for breaking my friendship with her.The answer to that is:WRONG.He never forced her to do anything. HER very own decisions were the ones always causing me pain.And you know the worst part about it?She might always remember me as the person who ruined our friendship just cuz i dont like her future husband.and yes,i am talking about the same friend who thought she'd never get married till she's close to thirty.you wanna know what the best part about this story is?I still love her with every beat of my heart.I'm tired of being angry with her,but i still stand my ground a bout everything i told her,however,as a final gift to her before she gets married, i am going home next week to help her choose her wedding gown,to choose a hotel for a wedding and wedding cards.and perhaps give her many needed hugs.Next time i see her it wont be the same and we both know it.Somehow we managed to forge the strongest friendship i've ever seen in the course of a year.I think my best friend and i will always love each other wherever life takes it.It's not really what we imagined,but i guess as long as we both are as happy as we can be,even if not together,then it's good enough.God's plan all along,wasn't it?

Acceptance. That's a feeling that comes when you get over your initial shock.Two of my closest friends are getting engaged.The female i've been close to for 6 years and is getting engaged to a guy who...well,lets just say shouldn't have been her type.The male i've been good friends with for about 4 years,and he's also got engaged to someone who's not quite his type.When i first heard about the news,i was shocked and outraged and i even went home to try to fix my friends' lives!I learned after 3 weeks home that some lives are not my responsibility to fix. It was a difficult lesson to learn,but it did indeed generate acceptance.

I know anyone reading this will be kinda shocked but i was THANKFUL to find out a few months ago that the 2 cases of extreme depression that i've suffered from in the past few years were actually not cases of depression.I,and i am saying it,have OCD.
I am on meds for the following year and i thank God constantly that this case i have has a solution.Speaking of God,i do have a confession.During the first few months of this year my faith was constantly tested,and i barely passed if at all.I'm trying to rebuild the strong spirituality i used to have but its not so easy. I am determined that i wont stop trying till everything is restored to the way it used to be.I'd like to think of that last statement as courage given from God to change the things that i can find,since serenity has already led me to acceptance.

Now the hardest part,lost friendships.I had the most amazing group in uni the first term in the UK.After i started showing symptoms of my OCD the second term,i lost 90% of the group i belonged to.Now i realise that God was looking after me his own way.They were never friends to begin with.And the 10% i have still as friend, i know i will keep in my life for a very long time.Of course the experience itself brought along it's share of pain,but whats new about that?
Also,i lost one of my closest friends.I got to see him face to face in the UK and let's just say that either i kept misunderstanding him,or he's simply not the guy i thought he would be.I'm still too angry to speak about him further,but perhaps,just perhaps,things might change in the future.Yet,no expectations no disappointments.(C,you're the only constant in my life).

Right this moment i'm thinking of all the things that are NOT working out in my life currently.And then just as fast as those thoughts come, i remember that every single time,things tend to eventually work out.I am thankful for new friendships formed, for the best health i can afford,for the close relationship i have with my father now,and mostly for the wisdom i tend to gain with every new step i take in my life.
I think for some time i'll be pausing for a few seconds every time i see the lipstick marks on my coffee cup.I figure,why the hell not,it makes me smile.

Brick Walls

I was reading my previous entry and thinking what a world away i am from those days. Here's the sad update: The one thing I've always dreaded the most,the depression that I've had a few years ago,returned to me. That was the one thing that i never wished even on my worst enemy(don't think i have any,but you get the point). But before i talk about that,i'm gonna talk about what happened in between.

When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.

A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.

I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.

Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.

The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.

13 days

In less than two weeks I'll be home again.
Last time i wrote in my blog was before i left.My life was so chaotic and i was in an extremely confused phase that i could barely think straight.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago why i haven't written in this blog that has helped me express so many frustrations over the last few years,and the true honest answer is that i have thought about it often, but I've been too busy living.

Living has a new meaning to me.To actually be too busy being alive is invigorating. I have fun and i dance...i worry and i cry...there's balance.The best part has been the sense of freedom that overflows from my veins..even if i am angry at the whole world,i have the option of storming out and walking aimlessly for hours just pondering my existence.i do it because i can.The worst part has been missing my old world..family and friends.Memories will forever be etched my my mind from previous experiences..as much as I've yearned for this life style,i could never forget waking up on Fridays from the smell of my mama's french toast...feeling my sister hug me while we watch TV together for hours...drinking good coffee early in the morning while driving to university...going to weddings with traditional Arabic music...laughing with friends so hard until tears ran down our faces...reading good Arabic poetry with good friends....and the list is really endless.

Sometimes I am afraid.Afraid of being forgotten.Every human being wants to be remembered..i want my family and friends to always remember.I am happy (thank God for that), but the last 21 years are a part of why i am happy.I worked so hard to get here,and although i realise life will keep getting more difficult and my worries will increase, it is a part of life that i accept because i love freedom. I am happy.

Of course in upcoming blog entries i will still be bitching about pressures I'll be facing my life, about loneliness, about homesickness and basically anything that would bother any other human being...i can safely say however that i wouldn't change this lifestyle for anything in the world.If given a choice between my present and my past,my present wins easily.

I was reading a book (a pleasure that i rarely get lately) and from this book, I've concluded that the following is my new objective in life:
I will always aim for the moon...and if i miss,I'll still end up among the stars.

Trust and stop waiting

I was being nosy,as usual,on facebook when i found his profile.THAT i didn't mind.
He still looks good.THAT part didn't even make my heart flutter.
His arm is broken.THAT didn't even bother me.
He's engaged.THAT knocked the wind outta me.(like literally when someone punches you in the stomache).

I mean seriously,WTF! Here's what i can truly say,i wasn't heartbroken,i was just surprised.Nor was i happy,i was really sad. Surprisingly i am also mad.Not at him,i do wish him the best,and I'm sorta glad that he found THE one,but why him and not me?

I am absolutely aware that i am sounding selfish.I just cant help thinking that i was the one with the broken heart for a long time.I am a good person that good men fall for.yet,he is ENGAGED,and i am alone.hmm...maybe the status of being "alone" can easily be changed,but what about being "lonely"?

Right now,C is trying to give me a whole future scenario about his life where "his wife will be fat,he'll have an average life and he'll never forget me while I'll be strutting my expensive heels with a husband 100 times better than he would have been".hehehe,i do love this girl.

I don't really wanna be married right now,that i know for a fact.And i really would rather be the way i am-difficult to fall in love- than to love just anybody.I guess I'll just have to trust..not wait.i'm sick of waiting,i have a life to live and its the only one i'm getting (i'm not THAT special).God has shown me recently that patience is indeed a virtue,and it does pay off eventually...that's when air comes into your lungs again,and life begins.

Change

Where the hell did a f***ing month of my life go??i cant believe that I'm already home!the past month passed more like a dream.i was so freakin relaxed and I'm not so glad that I'm back to be honest.I think if i would have stayed for a few more weeks i would have been probably more eager to come back.

The thing that i didn't expect the most about my visit was the change of my relationship with my favorite cousin.last time i went to visit i was 16 and he was 18 and we just understood each other.spending time with him was always fun and we both knew that we equally enjoyed each other's company. On this visit however,if he wasn't my cousin,he would be someone i would never want to talk to again!

Here's the weird thing:the guy didn't change AT ALL.i know i know,you must be thinking then why don't we still have the same kinda relationship.well,the answer is simple:i grew up.in other words,he still has the mentality of an 18 year old at 22,while my mentality has changed and evolved so uch in 4 years.

We had a few fights since we didn't see eye to eye on alot of different issues, and he kept wondering why i have changed.so as usual i went ahead and thought about it.Lets see,in the past 4 years i have:
1-Graduated from hight school after a not very easy year.
2-Fallen in love and gotten my heart broken for the first time.
3-Met every kind of mentality in university and learned how to deal with each.
4-busted my a** for 3 years and graduated early with a BA.
5-learned how to not take life for granted.
6-lost so much,and gained so many lessons.
...just to mention a few.
So how did he expect me to not change?

Anyways,i kept the peace between him and I since i cant blame him for not changing,and i tried to remember the fun the 16 year old me had with him....good times.

I spent most of my time with my younger cousins (age range:13 to 18) since everyone closer to my age were either working or in uni.And as much fun as it was cruising around with them and going out to lunch and to watch movies,something was still wrong.After thinking about it,i think that i only enjoyed the part where i could watch them adjust to what they consider to be "cool".I've been there,and I've done that with my own friends during high school and especially 1st year uni.I'm sooo over that."cool" is in my genes now,hehehehe.

I'm home now and back the "real world" i guess.but it's about time.i need to finish everything i have to do then go on another adventure.One that will change me even more,but then again,i do welcome change,don't i?

"Trashy" Novels

After placing 2 romance novels in the shopping cart:

Mom:why are you buying 2 trashy novels?
ME:they are NOT trashy,they are called "romance".
Mom:they are TRASHY.
Me:what kinda books did you read when you were my age?
Mom:trashy novels..

To the Grandfather I never knew (A Tribute)

A few days ago while I was looking around at my entire family (mom’s side) at the reunion, I was thinking of what my grandpa would have thought. I could see my grandma looking at us, but I wondered what the man I never met would have thought of his family coming together 20 years after his death.

I never knew how it feels like to have a grandfather, and I often did wonder, but you can’t miss what you never had. Or can you?

I was asking grandma today about grandpa. I was curious about him all of a sudden for some odd reason. What I do know is that I was the last of his grandchildren to be born when he died. 5 grandchildren have preceded me, and 13 followed after his death. Grandma filled me in today on the details. Apparently Grandpa was a very stubborn man (I wonder who inherited that gene). He felt bad for quite some time before grandma literally had to force him to go see the doctor. He left one day from work for his doctor’s appointment and he never came back. They found out he had cancer, and although it had already spread, he wanted to give it a fighting chance. 23 hours after his first chemo dosage, he passed away. 10 days have only passed from the diagnosis day leading his death. 10 days. Ironic, isn't it? Gives you a new perspective to the word “time”.

Anyway, when they called mom and told her that grandpa was sick and it wasn’t looking too good, she booked the 1st flight she found for both her and me. I was about 8 months old. From what I know is that grandpa was a very strict father, especially with the older kids. With the grand kids, however, he had apparently mellowed out. Grandma told me that last time they had seen my mom was when she was pregnant with me, and that he was really happy to hear that my mom was coming sooner than expected. She said that he was very anxious to see me.

He only got to see me once at the hospital. Mom went into his hospital room and put me next to him on the bed. He told her that I will have my dad wrapped around my little finger.

I know it’s strange that for 20 years I never felt a connection to this man since technically I don’t know him. But today I found out so much about him and I felt such a crushing loss. And I cried for a man I never knew…excuse me…a man I never “met”. My “grandpa”. I cry for him as I wrote this for dying at the young age of 55. I cry for myself because I never got the chance to form memories of him. I cry because for the first time in my life I am feeling the heartbreak of a grandfather’s loss 20 years after his passing.

Wow, it sure hurts to lose a grandfather. But I’m glad I got to know him now. Better late than never if you ask me.

Here’s what occurred to me; looking at 19 of us cousins I’m sure that he’d love us all the same. All of us are imperfect (so thankfully very human), some more than others, but we are all family nonetheless. His flesh and blood. Then I try to imagine what he’d think of me particularly. Since I never really knew him, I wasn’t sure that my judgment would be accurate, but from what I gather taking into consideration the info I found out about him, I believe that I know exactly what he would think about me. Proud, he’d tell me.
Damn proud.

Discoveries of a weekend,Passions of a lifetime

Every once in a while i like to post lessons that I've learned.I post them here just in case i forget.in this one weekend i learned a few lessons just by observing myself and my surroundings,and here is what i have learned and the method by which i have acquired this new knowledge:

There was a ride in an amusement park that basically threw you in the air and you stayed suspended there for a few seconds before going down again.i kept staring at the sky and i felt like i could almost touch it.i love the feeling of soaring.

There was another ride where your seat was lifted so high you could see the whole city.Now although like most people I'm afraid of heights,as long as i was safe(i.e. strapped in), I loved being up there.i felt like i owned the world.

In the small town where I'm at now,one moment there's sun and the weather is moderately hot,the other moment it would start raining and we would run for cover under the big tree.I love the feeling of cool rain drops on my skin.

Driving from the city to the town, the sky was cloudy. But although the clouds were very dark, the sun still came through and it looked like curtains made of sunshine...a gateway to heaven.when you drive more towards the darkness, there sppeared a huge rainbow covering the skies and defying darkness.I love and love and love that.

I love the fact that i can still lay on my back on the grass and watch the clouds and come up with shapes.i love how looking at a rainbow can keep me smiling.i love catching grandma watching her whole family (children,grandchildren, and great-grandchildren) and marvel how 3 generations gathered at her house are all a product of a her marriage to man who died 20 years ago (my dear grandfather).

I love that i'm starting to miss home too..just a little bit but the feeling's there.
Mostly,i love how much i'm looking forward to traveling.to leaving and starting a new life.
A step closer to independence, and a step farther from carelessness.

Sprinkles of Faith

It’s raining outside now, and I feel good. So damn good actually.

I thought that this trip I’m on to the states would be exciting, instead it turned out to be quite relaxing, which thankfully is exactly what I need. I don’t mind the laid back routine I’m having with family. Of course, there are some downfalls, like not being able to do some fun things I was planning on doing since where my mom grew up is basically a small town with nothing to do. Surprisingly, I’m loving it. I mean, I’ve always liked it here, but because of the past year, this break is welcomed in this small town. Another downside is I’m not really missing home. Well, not at all really. Maybe I will by the end of the month, but not today, not now, not at this moment.

While being on the other side of the globe, some of my friends are keeping in touch on regular basis, while others surprisingly aren’t. That bothers me to be honest, but oh well, I am currently blessed so I’m going to try to keep complaints to a minimum.

Let’s see; so far I’ve sat on a picnic table with my bare feet in moist grass while reading a good book. A really good book containing a lot of descriptions that come from the soul. Ask me about it, I highly recommend it. I’ve gone and seen Natives dancing accompanied by the beat of ancient drums and spiritual songs. It was like a flash back from Pocahontas. I laughed so hard with family to the point where my stomach hurt. I lay down on a couch next to a window that overlooks grandma’s front yard and fell asleep while staring at the heavens and feeling actual peace. I needed this. I NEED this. Relaxation, tranquility, peace.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to forget all the negatives; otherwise known as bad things that I usually never forget; about people. I’m only remembering the good stuff. Moments I laughed with friends, hugged them just for no reason at all, and danced in the middle of nowhere…

Thing is, I know that I will be remembering all of this when I get back. I’ll remember broken hearts, tears, disloyalties, and perhaps the feeling of the want to run away again. I miss very few things from my life at home. To be honest, I’m even glad that when I go home, it will only be for a month, although logically speaking, life is going to get harder from then on. That I know for a fact, but I welcome it. I welcome independence. I welcome freedom. I welcome the future.

I don’t want to even think about my family back home right now. Makes me feel a little guilty, but I’m too relaxed to care. I’ve missed feeling like this. Content. I gotta try to visit more often. Family members over here are growing so fast, things are changing a lot and I hate missing it. Perhaps Christmas of ’09. '

Now that I’m done with my BA, I’m looking back and realizing a lot of things that I’ve planned haven’t worked out the way I wanted them to, but then again, many other things- granted, after a lot of hard work- have worked out better than I expected. I worked hard and so I’ve earned everything I have in my life now. I thank a lot of people for their help. I thank a few for their prayers. I thank God for it all.

Serenity, wisdom and courage sprinkled with a little bit of faith is all it takes.

Unhappy

I was wondering why i keep a blog lately.I figured that i like having memories of when i was happy and the times in between.
I'm there now,the inbetweeness of the happy intervals of my life.wow,as soon as i get optimistic things go down pretty quick.I wonder why...don't i deserve to be happy?i work hard,i have faith, and i TRY to stay optimistic?

I hurt,i ache,i cry...and its all because of nothing that I've done.Shall i wait for karma to set things straight?but i don't really wish anybody any harm!then why the hell is this happening to me??

I want to be happy...is that too much to ask?
apparently so.

Quotes 2

here are a few more just so i wont forget:

Director:thanks for taking alot of shit for me during the play producer.
Me:you know what director,you're worth it.
Director:aha,it's the ass isn't it?

Mina:can i have your pink little bear?
Me:no.
Mina:why?
Me:cuz it's mine,i got it as a gift.
Mina:please?
Me:nooo.
Mina:*grabs bear from my hand and walks away*thank you!
Me:*jaw dropping*
Mom:she's just like you,stubborn as hell.

Me:dude,why wont they let you take a flat?
Batata:they say it's only for couples.let's pretend to be lesbians and move in together.
Me:ahhh....ok..
Batata:and if they start suspecting we'll make out in the lobby.

My bro:why wont you keep the door to your room open so it wont be so hot?
Me:i'm watching aladdin on full volume,i dont wanna lower it.
My bro:OMG.are you serious?your watching a movie about a guy who flies on a rug??
Me:you still watch tom and jerry.
My bro:TOM AND JERRY IS REAL!!!!

Mainly 3 things.

She says, "I wanna die, i seriously don't wanna live anymore".
He says, "I'm fed up, I'm leaving for good, no more of this."
She says, "my life is going to be so empty,i dunno what I'm going to do".
So many strong feelings that i have no comments for.Makes me kinda think how lucky i am when I'm down for different reasons.Or maybe its just as bad for each and every one of us although we don't share the same situation.

Lately i have been enjoying those small twinges of excitement that I've been getting.they are small,faint,barely lasting for a few second, but they are there. and that's alot compared to how I've been for a long time.Thank God.

Touching on another subject, I'm a firm believer in the whole "do what you wanna do" thing.but that also means,specially for adults, that they need to prioritise, sometimes (not always) compromise if they want people around in their lives, and most importantly understand that there are consequences for actions.IF and only IF all of what is mentioned is applied, then by all means, do what you wanna do. Just remember, if you make the wrong choices, then either wake up and pay your dues, or lose everything you have.That will be your choice and your choice only.No one makes decisions for you.Don't blame the world,blame yourself.It's not the end of the work,unless you DECIDE not to learn.Most importantly,make a choice,or else,whether you like it or not, life will make one for you.the harsh truth is,life goes on whether we like it or not,which is a mixed blessing.

I've been thinking lately about what i want in my life in,say, the next 5 years.I stopped thinking about love and romance (they'll come when they come), but more as in where i see ME,not people around me.So i set a few goals,the top three are those:
1-A nice house of my own.
2-Enough money to pay for a second MA.
3-$500 Loubitoun shoes.

I know what your thinking,but what can i say,I'm a girl and i love shoes :) besides, my daddy always says as long as your able, don't be too cheap when it comes to yourself,you only live once.

Try

I'm writing this in less than a week from my last exam.In a way,I've been looking forward to being done with all the BS that I've been going through for the past semester.But now that its all over its like I've been looking around thinking now what?
Now i know is that the good thing i can catch up on reading the many books I've bought that have been collecting dust (an insult) for a while now.also,maybe i can get reintroduced to the concept of television,which i do miss.

Its been no secret that I've gone through a shitty phase during my last term,and one that i really wanted to write about but didn't get a chance to was a certain Australian friend whom i really appreciated but acted like such a child recently.I've found out that such a behavior puts me off people.i mean,there's still such a thing as common courtesy,right?

Another thing is that lately,thankfully God has been giving me what i deserve...in the good sense,lol.Now that my dreams are so close i can almost touch them if i reach out...they are there,i can see them clearly,i can stop DREAMING cuz they are actually materialising in front of my eyes....sad thing is that it seems I've gotten used to getting disappointed and not expecting anything outta life that I've forgotten how to feel pleasure.Small things in life i still treasure, but the big things where I'm supposed to get all excited and jumpy...i just get very passive.If that is the correct word,let me try to explain it,whatever the result is-good in this case-i just state it as if it was something that was supposed to happen in the 1st place.its like if i get too happy someone might take it away from me.That seems to be a pattern in my life,things I've loved then lost for reasons that are just not good enough...doc,my best friend,my dog...etc.

Then again,thank God for the many blessings in my life that He ensures to keep.

I was talking to C a while back about all of this and we figured out the following:
I'm at the no-identity "what now?" phase.I'm cleansing.Accepting the fact that I'm an adult and that I've earned everything I'm getting.Living for no purpose for a few weeks.to RELAX.

Well,I'm gonna try...I'm sure gonna damn try.

Lock me in a room and throw away the key

I'm going through one of THOSE times.you know what I'm talking about;the ones where life deals you a bad card every couple of hours.Basically,you're in so much shit so fast that you forget when was the last time you took a breath.

I could cry,or could i?
I could fly,or could i?
I could die,or could i?

Possibly,but at this time,even if i wanted to,life will find a way of screwing things up.God will grant me Patience and this shall pass,that i know.the trick,however,is for everything to pass without me having a mental breakdown.

I got my self in trouble with the Australian,almost with the English,with the skinny bitch,with professors,with the play...and the list goes on.what bothers me also is that i miss my "best friend" and i don't wanna tell her.

Now here's the question:am i screwing up so much,or is life just screwing me over?
Saudi says maybe its both.

Quotes

There are many quotes out there said by famous people that i absolutely love. My favorites however, are ones that are said by friends. I regret not doing this before, but lately i have started saving things that my friends have been saying. some are absolutely halarious. Most however, are extremely inspirational.Enjoy.


"Ya jama3a,malkom?ed7ako!El 7aya 7elweh" Shoosh

"Ana ma ba5bot el sayarat!bas babooshom!" M

"In reality we are just bullshitters... el kul 5ayef 3a ro7o o wad3o,mafi 3inna nas ta3teeki el 7aki men el 2a5er"Bush The Mush

"Medicore minds have always judged great ones,and you my darling are a great one" C

"I'm bringing bitchy back!"C

"so lsn if anyone asks u deny this but i just picked the song im dancing to with my dad on my wedding day...well one of my wedding days if i stay crazy bitch like this."C

"SARCASM IS UR OXYGEN ISNT IT?"C

"tell him to get me designer shoes and ill make him a very happy man, tell him the way to ur heart is through me...if he gets the matching purse then ill Godmother ur children" C
"ana bolbol arabi!" Frenchy

"Being mixed is bittersweet,it can be both a gift and a curse" Saudi

"waja3!hassa bafga3ek 5amsawy 2o ba7et snoonek!" Q

"tfooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Garaba

"so you know the big brother in 'prison break'?they will kill him using electricity and he has to wear a diaper!!" Mina

"You dream too much prima.Dont dream,just do it!" Junior

ME:are you alright?
Tfeely:esma3y! .. (line goes dead..i'm thinking,hmm,ok...).
Tafeely:(calling back)hey,what was the last thing u heard?
ME:esma3y.
Tafeely:2o ana sarly sa3a batale3 elly begalby tle3et basoolef ma3 7aly??!!ME:hehehehehehehehehehe

Mina:I'm stupid.
Me:why?
Mina:cuz i solved the math problem correctly then i changed it and it turned out to be wrong!
Me:wow,you really are stupid.
Mina:HEY!you were supposed to say something nice!

Me:how do you stop yourself from falling for someone,yet still remain "friends" with them?
Saudi:I remember how fucked up people are,and how they don’t deserve to be close to me,because when someone is that close they have a direct shot at my heart.

ME:did u have fun at the birthday party today?
Mina:well,not at the beginning,the lady responsible said we couldn’t go out of the play room.
ME:well,why would u wanna go out?did u wanna run around?
Mina:we're kids!ofcourse we do!

"When you suspect that something might start developing, it probably already has" Batata

"all u got is a sexy butt and a sarcastic attitude!" Batata

"I hope you dance AJ…broken heart or not" C

"First do what you gotta, then do what you wanna" B

"AJ, u r a great great girl with so much potential and goodness inside of u. U have the strength of the most raging rivers in the world and if u set ur mind to it u will accomplish everything u ever dreamt of and more. U also have the light of the brightest stars inside there and just because u seem to miss it doesnt mean it isnt there, trust me I KNOW its there more than I know my own name I have seen it in countless time. I am not saying this to be a good friend or even as C ur rock, im saying this from a totally neutral viewpoint. However, I want u to remember its going to suck A LOT but in the end it is going to be great also A LOT, when it isnt okay then its definitely not the end. God is a being of love and compassion and He will always reward those who deserve it, and baby small mistakes dont compare to ur greater good so u do deserve it. Lastly, I love u and I thank God i have had both the immense honor and pleasure of knowing you and being ur friend." C

Me:how do you know?how do you know when to tell me what i need to hear even when i'm trying to act ok?
C:well,i have a funny stomach and so do u and u cannot control ur funny stomach so ur funny stomach tells my funny stomach afterhwich my funny stomach tells me.

"3najd neyalek, ana ba7sedek that u have best friend be zaka2i!marat baseer a7ky ya raytek fe mostaway el 3aqly...marrat mo dayman." M

"Holla at ma gurl all tight in her love nest doinall sortsa love nesty thangs!Sweet spit be wishin her shorty a hot and sweaty good night all the way from the relief room once again!watch out for the shawty and sweet spit epic movie comin out this winter in a theatre near you,all da way from the sent items yow!my cell phone be hollerin atcha too tellin you it be missin u and ur button pushin, know warram sayin?!" Batata

"talj talj aaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,talj talj,aaaaaaaaaaaaaah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" M

"I'm so happy to have met you shorty.you're one of my biggest highlights of '07.I hope our friendship lasts forever,even if bahraini girl doesnt approve.love you and here's to a great '08!" Saudi

"I really love you and appreciate that i've met you and you're in my life, you are really special to me and so close to my heart,always know that!" Batata

"Have a super duper great first day of your last term. we all love you but i love you best." C

"I like you random" B

"Aysh ya shagfeh!fe majal la 3olaga?lama7tek elyoum 3end bagalet abu el 3abed 2o ba3ed ma tabadalna al nazarat adraket ennek 7ob 7ayaty..yeslamooly el rmoosh!" M

"yo shawty,its not ur birthday,we gonna party like its your birthday though..know warram sayin girl?be all up in ur grill and shit,you be like,bitch pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!" Batata

"It only takes one meeting babe..you're something else" B

"Heartache does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.it empties today of its strength.suck it up,walk tall!" B

Me:you should be lucky that i even talk to you.
B:oh really?
Me:yup.anyways,what r u doing?
B:I'm busy being lucky.

"Hi.fe majal awag3ek fe shabky?" M

B:Wise one,bless us with ur endless wisdom.
Me:Proceed and ask my son,for i am a kind (and attractive) master.what is it that you seek?tell me of your trouble my child.
B:Her essence poisons my mind..he touch is of grace and her smile is sun over my never ending dark clouds.yet...she is so far and i am...here.
Me:Ah yes.Many young (3a asas) en such as urself have come to me with the same kind of disease.This witch has cursed you my child.it is but an expensive price to pay for a cure.
B:A cure knows no price.speak ur wisdom!
Me:well..oh slave of my will..you have one of 2 options.1-u either distance urself from this mesmerising maiden and take ur chances of tasting hell's fires till you forget her,or you must capture she whom you desire and hope (she you cannot force her) to tame her.I have spoken my blessed wisdom child.Now,you shall make a choice that will doom you both ways,exept that one hell burns in a sweeter form than another.
(the next day)B:Just got Diagnosed with pneumonia because of ur curse.I still cant breathe and I hate you with a passion.

those are only a few and hopefully i'll be posting more someday.These make me laugh and cry..and they all form memories.I hope i never forget.

The three lessons

I have learned 3 important lesson this semester,and being that it is my final (inshallah) semester, they are important lessons.Here they are:

1-There is no such thing as a best friend.
I mean,sure,u\you have a bunch of close friends who you love and are always around you.But one single best friend that you can always count on no matter what..well,that just doesn't exist.

2-I do no wish to be married until I absolutely have to (AKA when i want to have kids).
I was never against marriage,but looking around i don't see a single good one around me.I know myself,I'm the type that would get married as soon as i fall i love,and i definitely want to have children.The sad part is though,i know i will be unhappy on the long run,and this is one thing that i wish life will prove wrong.

3-I will never have a dog.
This is for 2 reasons:the first is I'm allergic.the second is that dogs are way better than humans.they are more fun,friendly and most importantly loyal.perhaps only they can qualify to be a person's best friend.Dad is making me give Sam up..i get tears in my eyes every time i think about it.

Perhaps these lessons will change in time..hopefully.
that's it for now.Peace

A Prayer

Dear God,

I know i haven't been doing well in the "thanking you" department. But i do try. I try to thank you no matter what happens to me...so i do try.

I have been very tired as you well know.It has been literally one of the worst semesters ever (except if you wanna count the first summer semester i had).I just cant seem to catch a break. A part of me likes being constantly busy because i know that the alternative would be worse.I want to get acceptances to the universities i applied to,i want to graduate and enjoy at least one month vacation in the states.I want to not have to worry about money for school or living expenses when i travel.I'm excited though..i really wanna travel.see the world,get an MA,all that jazz.

I know that as much as things have been hard for me lately, you have helped me in so many ways. I have met amazing new friends,thing are looking good concerning my travelling decisions and most importantly i have been able to make very tough decisions that i know will be good for me on the long run.I owe everything to you and i have no regrets.

God all i ask of you is to listen when i talk to you..and whether i forget to say it out loud sometimes or not,Thank you.