From disappointment to a new personality and the journey in between.

My professor said something in class today that has srtuck a cord in me;he said "if you are not happy where you are now,you will never be happy in any other place in the world"...then he went on to explain that happiness is a state of mind,not location,meaning if you're happy right where you are,you still will be anywhere else you go on this vast earth.That statement got me thinking...

I find it troubling when i think back on my life,because it seems that ever since i was 10 years old,i was just planning to leave this country,and the sooner the better.The thought is still the same at present,the only thing that changed now that I'm older (and ten years later) is that from a teenager hating the country she lives in,i turned into a WOMAN who actually adores it.lol.
two things i want to comment on:1-yes,believe it or not,I'm a woman...not a girl anymore(finally admitting this mortifying fact)...scary.
2-The more i drive around this country of mine,i realize that there are memories in every single street..stories to tell my children someday perhaps...people laughing,lives passing,and heart's getting broken.

After this thought of "growing up" and thus changing,i got myself into this deep self analysis phase(that lasted for a couple of hours but that's besides the point) i figured what the problem is with me.Yes,it is indeed a problem,and the reason of why i want to....what's the word?..."escape" perhaps.It's my strict parents...dad to be specific.Allow me to clarify:I love my dad to death,and i have come to terms with the fact that we will never be close or affectionate towards each other,and it seems that no matter how much i doubt it at times,everyone who knows me and my dad are positive that he loves me so much.Now on the downside,he is as strict as hell!compared to my uncles and my cousins living in the country side,my daddy is the coolest person that ever existed,hehe.i can understnad why they would think that..el7amdillah,i have always had what i needed in terms of the best education,clothes and the best opportunities that life has to offer.Beside,who else does he work hard for?But back to him being strict,you see,dad forgets that i'm almost 20,that he has put me in a life with friends who can actually go and come around this beautiful city(at least every once in a while) and most importantly,that keeping me cooped up in the house has backfired instead of protect me as he'd hoped.

I've already explained in a previous entry that i had the fun of my life from the age of 12 to the age of 18...but having to constantly lie(which i really HATED),sneak around and keep my feelings to myself has changed me into this private person and very distant towards my family,which i still am i think somehow.Thankfully,however,i've aknowledged that the sarcasm that has developed in my teens comes so naturally to me,and the fact that i dont take shit from anybody(a stong personality they say,pah!) didnt change.what did change though,is my awareness,i'm not 16 anymore,and so i shouldnt act like one,and being an "adult"(lol) isnt really bad(rules are there for a reason-the rational side of me....but SOME rules are meant to be broken-the playful "i hate rules" side of me).plus,i do like looking after people as exhausting as it gets,lol.Its funny when i complain to my friends and they say something like"well,did you try talking to him?",hehe.i know they care and they are just trying to help,but in my house,there is no such thing as "talking",we communicate by yelling,and if you try to talk and your opinion is not liked,then boy are you in trouble.I guess every house hold is screwed up in its own way,and i thank God a thousand times that the problems in mine didn't end up screwing me up in anyway,because i still see a bright future ahead of me...and oh,i have to mention that i had the best childhood that a kid could ever hope to have(plus,i WAS your typical daddy's little girl)...blessed is the word,hehe.

Anyways,so as i said,i figured out my main problem,and to sum it up,I've always had a problem with people trying to control me,i mean i don't mind rules,but i value freedom.freedom is way up there on my priority list,so that is ONE of the major reasons of why i want to travel.It wont be easy being a 21 year old alone in a foreign world,but I've long decided to make the world my home,so if i do enjoy all the freedom the world has to offer,and things change back here to get me comfortable enough to get back,then you never know.Its not that my dad has me on a short leash or anything,I'm just too free-spirited for his standards.

I'm going to cover a bunch of topics in this blog so please bare with me.
Disappointment...should someone really expect anything from other people?well,to me the answer is an obvious yes,but most people might beg to differ.I honestly can only think of 1 person who has never disappointed me:my grandmother.she is the my most treasured human being that ever existed on this earth.Of everyone i think of right now,people i love from friends to family,they all have disappointed me one way or the other.now,don't get me wrong,disappointment doesn't mean being immune to making mistakes,its more like being and acting stupid when you consciously know that you are,and in the process end up disappointing people who had expected better judgement of you.

I look around at the current situations of close friends...my best friend is the most careless person I've ever met,Batata is making a huge mistake and whats even worse,she's not being careful about it,and a 3rd friend basically let a guy step over her heart and her whole family's dignity.Am i being hypocritical or judgemental?hell no,they know all of this for a fact and they also know that i can be a disappointment(cant think of a case but ill ask them).what i know for sure however is that i am a disappointment to my parents,not a major one,but one nonetheless.I was never the nerd in school as they hoped,i didn't study to be a pharmacist or an engineer as they hoped,and the worst thing i think for them is that my future plans don't even come close to what they were hoping for me.I wonder,will i also plan out how my kids SHOULD turn out to be,or will i let them be who they are meant to be?

If you have read my previous posts,i think you would notice that although i do have a flaring temper and no patience what so ever,i still remained to be a hopeless romantic,a free spirit,and in my own way,an optimistic person.I don't really know if i want to be that anymore.Again,let me recap,I'm almost 20,still dreaming about getting away,cant hang out with my friends very often(and be there for them the way i want to) because of the strictness of my parents,and i don't even communicate on a personal level with my own father and mother!!Plus,a life full of disappointments gets kinda sucky if you know what i mean.I'm not saying that I'm miserable in any way,I'm just focusing on the bad points in this blog for the sake of explanation,so its not like I'm depressed or anything(thank God),all I'm saying is maybe its time for a change in personality.

So I'm making a drastic life changing experiment,I'm going to try to live (at least for a while) in a state of carelessness.I will not care about what goes on with anyone at all in this world,i will try to lose my sarcasm(though this really is a key point in my personality) and maybe even just do whatever the hell i please like when i was younger just cuz i "feel" like it.you never know,i might like it and even stick to it(I'm told that it makes a person's heart ache less,so why the hell not??).On the other hand,it might kill me slowly from inside,because for some odd reason,even as a child and in my "wild phase" as some like to call it,i cared...passionately.I fought...passionately.I loved...passionately.will someone perhaps come along and change me back?well,I'm a hard girl...sorry,WOMAN...to convince,but if you do get through to me....then maybe.Think first though:am i really worth saving?does the world really need one more person to worry all the time,to bitch about things in order to set them right and to perhaps be genuinely happy about life's small pleasures?

MAYBE.