To the Grandfather I never knew (A Tribute)

A few days ago while I was looking around at my entire family (mom’s side) at the reunion, I was thinking of what my grandpa would have thought. I could see my grandma looking at us, but I wondered what the man I never met would have thought of his family coming together 20 years after his death.

I never knew how it feels like to have a grandfather, and I often did wonder, but you can’t miss what you never had. Or can you?

I was asking grandma today about grandpa. I was curious about him all of a sudden for some odd reason. What I do know is that I was the last of his grandchildren to be born when he died. 5 grandchildren have preceded me, and 13 followed after his death. Grandma filled me in today on the details. Apparently Grandpa was a very stubborn man (I wonder who inherited that gene). He felt bad for quite some time before grandma literally had to force him to go see the doctor. He left one day from work for his doctor’s appointment and he never came back. They found out he had cancer, and although it had already spread, he wanted to give it a fighting chance. 23 hours after his first chemo dosage, he passed away. 10 days have only passed from the diagnosis day leading his death. 10 days. Ironic, isn't it? Gives you a new perspective to the word “time”.

Anyway, when they called mom and told her that grandpa was sick and it wasn’t looking too good, she booked the 1st flight she found for both her and me. I was about 8 months old. From what I know is that grandpa was a very strict father, especially with the older kids. With the grand kids, however, he had apparently mellowed out. Grandma told me that last time they had seen my mom was when she was pregnant with me, and that he was really happy to hear that my mom was coming sooner than expected. She said that he was very anxious to see me.

He only got to see me once at the hospital. Mom went into his hospital room and put me next to him on the bed. He told her that I will have my dad wrapped around my little finger.

I know it’s strange that for 20 years I never felt a connection to this man since technically I don’t know him. But today I found out so much about him and I felt such a crushing loss. And I cried for a man I never knew…excuse me…a man I never “met”. My “grandpa”. I cry for him as I wrote this for dying at the young age of 55. I cry for myself because I never got the chance to form memories of him. I cry because for the first time in my life I am feeling the heartbreak of a grandfather’s loss 20 years after his passing.

Wow, it sure hurts to lose a grandfather. But I’m glad I got to know him now. Better late than never if you ask me.

Here’s what occurred to me; looking at 19 of us cousins I’m sure that he’d love us all the same. All of us are imperfect (so thankfully very human), some more than others, but we are all family nonetheless. His flesh and blood. Then I try to imagine what he’d think of me particularly. Since I never really knew him, I wasn’t sure that my judgment would be accurate, but from what I gather taking into consideration the info I found out about him, I believe that I know exactly what he would think about me. Proud, he’d tell me.
Damn proud.

Discoveries of a weekend,Passions of a lifetime

Every once in a while i like to post lessons that I've learned.I post them here just in case i forget.in this one weekend i learned a few lessons just by observing myself and my surroundings,and here is what i have learned and the method by which i have acquired this new knowledge:

There was a ride in an amusement park that basically threw you in the air and you stayed suspended there for a few seconds before going down again.i kept staring at the sky and i felt like i could almost touch it.i love the feeling of soaring.

There was another ride where your seat was lifted so high you could see the whole city.Now although like most people I'm afraid of heights,as long as i was safe(i.e. strapped in), I loved being up there.i felt like i owned the world.

In the small town where I'm at now,one moment there's sun and the weather is moderately hot,the other moment it would start raining and we would run for cover under the big tree.I love the feeling of cool rain drops on my skin.

Driving from the city to the town, the sky was cloudy. But although the clouds were very dark, the sun still came through and it looked like curtains made of sunshine...a gateway to heaven.when you drive more towards the darkness, there sppeared a huge rainbow covering the skies and defying darkness.I love and love and love that.

I love the fact that i can still lay on my back on the grass and watch the clouds and come up with shapes.i love how looking at a rainbow can keep me smiling.i love catching grandma watching her whole family (children,grandchildren, and great-grandchildren) and marvel how 3 generations gathered at her house are all a product of a her marriage to man who died 20 years ago (my dear grandfather).

I love that i'm starting to miss home too..just a little bit but the feeling's there.
Mostly,i love how much i'm looking forward to traveling.to leaving and starting a new life.
A step closer to independence, and a step farther from carelessness.