So,my car is supposed to be "well taken care of",right?
WRONG!
I got fed up about a month ago when it needed to be fixed because something (every time a different thing) would go wrong,so instead of the usual mechanic- and dad's life long friend-i called my uncle up and told him to take Sally and fix her up once and for all.
He did.wanna know what he said?
"who the hell used to fix your car before??it's like all he did was glue everything back together instead of actually fix anything!it's a wonder that you can still drive it around"...so mechanically speaking,Sally is a miracle.
Anyhow,he fixes her up,and she comes back as good as new,i thank my uncle often,but then he keeps saying that i shouldn't thank him since my dad had to pay alot in order to get my car fixed.
problem number 1 over thankfully.
Since my method of transportation was up and running beautifully,my cell phone's screen stopped working.i initially blamed myself since i was planning on changing the cover so i figured maybe that had led to the problem.then my whole cellphone wouldn't turn on..but whatever,right?i was gonna fix it anyway.
so i take it to this cellphone place (recommended by my friend "ya3 ya3") and tell the dude what the problem is.All is good,he said he'll call later that day to tell me what the cost will be and when it will be ready,which was supposed to be the following day.
dude calls THE NEXT DAY,says the phone needs an extra day,that everything on it including sentimental msgs and all of my phonebook will be erased.plus all the events stored on my calender.i got bummed..but anyways,i love my phone and i figured what the hell...it happens...
I paid 25 jds, which granted is alot,but my phone looked good and i tried to think of it as brand new,so 2nd problem solved at last.
a few weeks ago,the battery in my car stops working.so no biggie,right?i call up a friend and after a half hour of searching (poor soul),he finds a cable,my car is charged,and all goes well,right?
WRONG!
dad kept nagging me to get a cable for my car,INCASE this incident is repeated,i wouldn't have as much trouble.
so a few days later,no battery again and no cable...2 of my friends look for half an hour a more than one place to try to find a cable.they pay 13 jds for a "good" one and charge my car.next day,i take money from the bank and buy a new battery.
3rd problem solved too.
my cell phone's screen isn't working again.i go to the same place they say its a different problem so a refund is out of the question.i go to another place they said that the problem is has now cant be fixed.
of course,all this happens after i manage to restore over 80% of my phonebook.
after juggling my sim card between 2 phones belonging to 2 of my friends,i take money from the bank and buy a new phone.
a5 a5 a5...problem 4 over with.
2 days ago,i turn on my computer and it refuses to get to windows.so today,the dude who fixes computers came over and basically said that my hard disk was "worn out".after he installed a new one,programmed my whole computer again,and fixed a few hard ware glitches here and there,he proceeded to tell me that my old hard disk should be thrown away along with hundreds of photos and songs and files collected over 4 years.
dad told me tonight that i should "ada7y" (sacrifice a lamb) during this Holiday because this much "bad luck" was unhealthy since everything happened in one month.i was thinking more of the word "expensive" rather than unlucky.
i was complaining how fed up i am getting to my mom,and what does she have to say?
"you have to look at the glass half full"...oh BOOHOO!!
the glass is freaking half full..OF SHIT!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
The "jojo" Complex
I have a problem.well,actually,its not really MY problem.it's more of the fact that somebody else's complex is causing me problem.
since i have decided to talk about "the" problem in this entry,i shall begin by explaining why I'm feeling so aggravated lately.
if life is a person,then i feel that this person is laughing so hard right now,pointing at me and mocking me.why you ask?
here's the thing:i take pride in being a tough person.as much as it hurts,I'm the "do what you gotta do" kinda girl.i hate it sometimes,but generally speaking i know that this is a positive thing about me.however,what made me tough are experiences that I've been through in my teens.those experiences also left me with certain "trust issues".i realize that this is a problem,but i somehow learned (with alot of time and patience that i never knew i could come up with) how to give away my trust,but only to people who earn it.those people,i usually have to decide,are worth giving my trust for...are worth fighting for...are worth loving.
so back to why life is mocking me:you see,there are many people with issues,kinda like my trust issues,however,there's one that's quite rare in people.i like to call it the "jojo" complex.this complex is characterised as follows:normal people who absolutely love you.no doubt there.now problem is,when they get really close to you,somehow they feel "threatened" or "suffocated".some say this happens because they don't like to show people how close they are to them,others might argue that its just an unnatural reaction that they have no solution for.
I,ladies and gentlemen,happen to know 2 people who suffer from this complex.and believe you me when i say,not just ANY 2 people.my best friend and my main man.yup...you read that correctly.now do you blame life for laughing at me?
this is the one thing that I've tried to protect myself from my whole life.the "tough bitch" may be as tough as freakin hell..and yet,so vulnerable when i love somebody.it's funny that in college,i realised my best friend had this problem where she keeps coming and going,depending how she feels,and she expects,i quote"to find her place still there" when she decides to get close again.i wonder if she knows how much she's missing in these precious moments while she's g0ne.ofcourse,i do update her,but its very different than actually being there.
my main man suffers from this too.i think life expects me to be angry at him(or her),but honestly speaking I'm not.i admire a person who can look me in the eyes and tell me that they have a problem.he did,and i still love him so freakin much.problem is,this is not MY complex to solve,it's theirs.I'm glad to report that they both know this.they both hurt when they hurt others with this problem of theirs.they also both realise that a solution must be found in order to establish a sense of normalcy in their futures.
As for me,well,i already said what I'm going to do with my best friend in a previous entry,I've stopped fighting,but I'm still there as promised.now as for my main man,we've been taking a form of a "break".this break gives him time to think since I'm giving him space.i explained to him however,that whatever he comes up with when this break is over,he only gets ONE chance.this is my defense mechanism.i am currently hurt which is to be expected,but i shall allow no one to break me,i am anything but a statistic...although i do miss him everyday.I see him,but it's like he's not there.
i respect however that he has some issues to go through,and i pray to God for his sake,if not for mine,that he will find a solution.
Same prayer goes towards my best friend.
i leave soon so time is one luxury i cannot afford.it's passing so fast and as long as I'm still here,still with them,i want to be happy.i want them to be happy.i want it all,or nothing at all.
since I'm not asking for much,there will be no settling and no compromising.
since i have decided to talk about "the" problem in this entry,i shall begin by explaining why I'm feeling so aggravated lately.
if life is a person,then i feel that this person is laughing so hard right now,pointing at me and mocking me.why you ask?
here's the thing:i take pride in being a tough person.as much as it hurts,I'm the "do what you gotta do" kinda girl.i hate it sometimes,but generally speaking i know that this is a positive thing about me.however,what made me tough are experiences that I've been through in my teens.those experiences also left me with certain "trust issues".i realize that this is a problem,but i somehow learned (with alot of time and patience that i never knew i could come up with) how to give away my trust,but only to people who earn it.those people,i usually have to decide,are worth giving my trust for...are worth fighting for...are worth loving.
so back to why life is mocking me:you see,there are many people with issues,kinda like my trust issues,however,there's one that's quite rare in people.i like to call it the "jojo" complex.this complex is characterised as follows:normal people who absolutely love you.no doubt there.now problem is,when they get really close to you,somehow they feel "threatened" or "suffocated".some say this happens because they don't like to show people how close they are to them,others might argue that its just an unnatural reaction that they have no solution for.
I,ladies and gentlemen,happen to know 2 people who suffer from this complex.and believe you me when i say,not just ANY 2 people.my best friend and my main man.yup...you read that correctly.now do you blame life for laughing at me?
this is the one thing that I've tried to protect myself from my whole life.the "tough bitch" may be as tough as freakin hell..and yet,so vulnerable when i love somebody.it's funny that in college,i realised my best friend had this problem where she keeps coming and going,depending how she feels,and she expects,i quote"to find her place still there" when she decides to get close again.i wonder if she knows how much she's missing in these precious moments while she's g0ne.ofcourse,i do update her,but its very different than actually being there.
my main man suffers from this too.i think life expects me to be angry at him(or her),but honestly speaking I'm not.i admire a person who can look me in the eyes and tell me that they have a problem.he did,and i still love him so freakin much.problem is,this is not MY complex to solve,it's theirs.I'm glad to report that they both know this.they both hurt when they hurt others with this problem of theirs.they also both realise that a solution must be found in order to establish a sense of normalcy in their futures.
As for me,well,i already said what I'm going to do with my best friend in a previous entry,I've stopped fighting,but I'm still there as promised.now as for my main man,we've been taking a form of a "break".this break gives him time to think since I'm giving him space.i explained to him however,that whatever he comes up with when this break is over,he only gets ONE chance.this is my defense mechanism.i am currently hurt which is to be expected,but i shall allow no one to break me,i am anything but a statistic...although i do miss him everyday.I see him,but it's like he's not there.
i respect however that he has some issues to go through,and i pray to God for his sake,if not for mine,that he will find a solution.
Same prayer goes towards my best friend.
i leave soon so time is one luxury i cannot afford.it's passing so fast and as long as I'm still here,still with them,i want to be happy.i want them to be happy.i want it all,or nothing at all.
since I'm not asking for much,there will be no settling and no compromising.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
On why I hate my birthday
So exactly a month ago i hit the big 20. I was expected to get all excited about it,but i wasn't.I'm still not at that age where i dread my birthday,i mean,i don't fear getting older...at least not yet.It's just that i keep comparing my birthdays during the 1st ten years of my life,and the birthdays during the 2nd ten years and here's what i came up with:
first ten years is when i was the princess of the ball on the 6th of October...promises of a pretty dress,a paper tiara,a huge birthday party and huge bag filled with barbies,kitchen sets and hottest dolls at the time always got fullfilled.
in the second ten years there was..well,nothing except for an exception here and there.one example is the huge "sweet sixteen" birthday party i had,and an attempt to "surprise" me for my 19th birthday was one of the sweetest things that my friends have ever tried to do for me.But other than that...well,my birthday was just another day where i got older,and in some ways less happier.
Maybe i was expecting too much,maybe i though that my special day will always be special...like the one day in the whole year that's all about me.to be happy..or not to be.
Anyways,i bitched about how much i hate my birthday for like a month before,what was cute however is how much my friends "nagged" on me to go out for at least a meal.they said it would be fun and the poor souls were more happier than the birthday girl could ever be about that "occasion"...and my bitchy self replied as usual: "but i freakin HATE my birthday!".they got what they wanted anyway...damn i love my nagging friends.
so after alot of nagging and some resistance from me,they got what they wanted. we agreed to meet up for a few hours for a meal (which was anyway all i could manage to arrange with my parents),and i chose to invite people in...well...as batata likes to say "quality not quantity".
Sitting at the head of the table,i stared at some (i'm only mentioning 4 of them for now) of my "favorite people" and thinking back,here's what i saw:
Batata's main squeeze:he bugs the shit out of me!but i wouldn't trade that sweetheart for the world.i mean sure,when he opens his mouth hell breaks loose...and yet,he seems to be the 1st to notice when someone is missing from the room...he's there,constantly,annoying and all,i mean i bicker alot with him,but there's that special moment when he hugs me...after being pissed at him,receiving that hug pretty much makes my day.
Batata:that girl's been questioning her importance in the world and damn she sure doesn't know....i mean,granted,she's internally blonde and gets ALOT of my "are you serious!" looks,she has no clue what she means to me.she's THE sweet spit of my life...hehe,she's special just for being who she is,I'm not so sure i can describe her in words,but I'm going to give it a try concerning her heart:kind,warm and whiter than snow.one love suga...
My best friend:we've been through hell and back together.sure our relationship might not be the same,but its there which is a miracle in itself,hehehe.her "place" in my heart is still the same and as far as I'm concerned will not change.I'm keeping my promise about not fighting anymore,but she's still my future neighbor,and i'm her future FREE baby sitter.I love you,and remember,I'm still here,and I'll be right next to you in prison.
My main man:what do i say about him...its "strange" but many people have already described our relationship as that,hehe.you get me,"i loooooooove u"...and hopefully,while we're dancing,u can spin me and dip me,but never let me fall.
Confession:for the 1st time in 20 years,I'm having thoughts of wanting to stay...weird.
I'm blessed in the sense that when it comes to major decisions in my life,i follow my mind,not my heart...but here's another confession:
As the plane takes off next year,and i remember all that I'm leaving behind and hoping to keep,my mind will quiet down giving my broken heart a chance to ache at its full potential.
Right now,i try not to think much of the future while i prepare for it.i cherish moments spent with my friends,i cherish their smiles,and i want to hug their pain away.No matter what happens,we share memories,and that in my opinion is priceless.
first ten years is when i was the princess of the ball on the 6th of October...promises of a pretty dress,a paper tiara,a huge birthday party and huge bag filled with barbies,kitchen sets and hottest dolls at the time always got fullfilled.
in the second ten years there was..well,nothing except for an exception here and there.one example is the huge "sweet sixteen" birthday party i had,and an attempt to "surprise" me for my 19th birthday was one of the sweetest things that my friends have ever tried to do for me.But other than that...well,my birthday was just another day where i got older,and in some ways less happier.
Maybe i was expecting too much,maybe i though that my special day will always be special...like the one day in the whole year that's all about me.to be happy..or not to be.
Anyways,i bitched about how much i hate my birthday for like a month before,what was cute however is how much my friends "nagged" on me to go out for at least a meal.they said it would be fun and the poor souls were more happier than the birthday girl could ever be about that "occasion"...and my bitchy self replied as usual: "but i freakin HATE my birthday!".they got what they wanted anyway...damn i love my nagging friends.
so after alot of nagging and some resistance from me,they got what they wanted. we agreed to meet up for a few hours for a meal (which was anyway all i could manage to arrange with my parents),and i chose to invite people in...well...as batata likes to say "quality not quantity".
Sitting at the head of the table,i stared at some (i'm only mentioning 4 of them for now) of my "favorite people" and thinking back,here's what i saw:
Batata's main squeeze:he bugs the shit out of me!but i wouldn't trade that sweetheart for the world.i mean sure,when he opens his mouth hell breaks loose...and yet,he seems to be the 1st to notice when someone is missing from the room...he's there,constantly,annoying and all,i mean i bicker alot with him,but there's that special moment when he hugs me...after being pissed at him,receiving that hug pretty much makes my day.
Batata:that girl's been questioning her importance in the world and damn she sure doesn't know....i mean,granted,she's internally blonde and gets ALOT of my "are you serious!" looks,she has no clue what she means to me.she's THE sweet spit of my life...hehe,she's special just for being who she is,I'm not so sure i can describe her in words,but I'm going to give it a try concerning her heart:kind,warm and whiter than snow.one love suga...
My best friend:we've been through hell and back together.sure our relationship might not be the same,but its there which is a miracle in itself,hehehe.her "place" in my heart is still the same and as far as I'm concerned will not change.I'm keeping my promise about not fighting anymore,but she's still my future neighbor,and i'm her future FREE baby sitter.I love you,and remember,I'm still here,and I'll be right next to you in prison.
My main man:what do i say about him...its "strange" but many people have already described our relationship as that,hehe.you get me,"i loooooooove u"...and hopefully,while we're dancing,u can spin me and dip me,but never let me fall.
Confession:for the 1st time in 20 years,I'm having thoughts of wanting to stay...weird.
I'm blessed in the sense that when it comes to major decisions in my life,i follow my mind,not my heart...but here's another confession:
As the plane takes off next year,and i remember all that I'm leaving behind and hoping to keep,my mind will quiet down giving my broken heart a chance to ache at its full potential.
Right now,i try not to think much of the future while i prepare for it.i cherish moments spent with my friends,i cherish their smiles,and i want to hug their pain away.No matter what happens,we share memories,and that in my opinion is priceless.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Death..and then we breathe.
Last week a 17 year old girl died who is related to me by the marriage of her aunt to my uncle.17....
it was an accident,she suffocated in the shower....people...17....
I remember my thoughts and dreams at 17..senior year,Christmas party,prom,camping in wadi rum,studying my butt off....dreaming of the university life I'll have,dreaming of getting my license,dreaming of getting married...and so it goes.
you see,when i went with my mother to the funeral,i heard a lady say that she feels sorry for the girl's family more than she does for the girl.she explained that the girl is with her Creator now and so is well taken care off...but what about the family?
her mother was heavily sedated,so she was calm and responsive,but oh my God the look in her eyes....to give birth to a healthy baby girl 17 years ago and have so many hopes and dreams for her...to have that girl grow up to be a charming young woman,a genius in school,very polite towards family members,very close to her friends,and she loved to sing....now,she's 6 feet under.
This reminds me of a saying that my father and mother always repeat:
"the death of parents is bearable and heals with time..but no parent should die before his children"...i call it cruelty of life.
i can choose to analyse this in 2 ways:
a-life is very ironic.(the whole "life's a bitch then we die" approach).
b-fate..meaning that God only meant for her to live for 17 years,anything more would've meant that worse things might have happened to the girl since God is merciful and he always chooses the best for people.
i know what the mother chose...while everybody were crying around her(including my mom and i who have only met the girl once) she kept saying AL7AMDULILLAH(thank you God).now if you ask me,that's deep unquestioning faith...and i sure wish i had that.
I consider myself to be a person who can differentiate between wrong and right...what i do know about religion i know for a fact,what i do not know i ask about.... and i am deeply offended when people insult my beliefs.However,i am not of the unquestioning type,and those moments of weakness create doubt,which i honestly loathe.
You get those many forwards that make you feel as guilty as hell,the ones that go like "God never asks you for much"and "why do you only remember God when you need something while He always remembers you no matter what"or "you have time to chat with your friends but never to say thank you to God"...and the list goes on...
i find this topic to be important since I'm a very spiritual person if not religious,and no matter how many people who exist out there who don't believe in God, they must believe in some higher power that we have to look up to,its in the human beings nature....if we don't believe,then why the hell are we living?
Not believing in God strips away the tastes,feelings,smells,sounds, and sights of life rendering it meaningless. We who do believe know that for every wrong we will be punished...but we also know that when we pray,God listens...if he chooses not to grant what we wish,it means there would have been no good to come out of it,now THAT i believe.I just need to stop doubting from time to time.
I saw a movie a while back that i absolutely loved because of the philosophy behind it.it was called "Wit"(an amazing movie that i advice all to watch),where a strict professor gets sick then dies a slow painful death...but that's not the point,nor is it the reason of why i like the movie.there's a part in the movies where she's reading a verse from a poem about death,and asks the students why the poet chose to place a comma after the word death-which happened to come in the MIDDLE of the verse-instead of a full stop.the explanation?death is only a brief break,a pause,and then comes another life....
i thought that explanation to be utterly beautiful.
People die...God grants patience and with time forgetfullness...that is a gift.The people who are no longer with us are with God,not forgotten,their time just came to an end when their clock stopped ticking.We cry, we move on and with time and God's help we learn how to breathe again.After all,after death,we breathe....
The above is what i choose to BELIEVE.
What i PRAY for however,is a heart full of Faith,a life full of Hope,and a journey full of Mercy...
it was an accident,she suffocated in the shower....people...17....
I remember my thoughts and dreams at 17..senior year,Christmas party,prom,camping in wadi rum,studying my butt off....dreaming of the university life I'll have,dreaming of getting my license,dreaming of getting married...and so it goes.
you see,when i went with my mother to the funeral,i heard a lady say that she feels sorry for the girl's family more than she does for the girl.she explained that the girl is with her Creator now and so is well taken care off...but what about the family?
her mother was heavily sedated,so she was calm and responsive,but oh my God the look in her eyes....to give birth to a healthy baby girl 17 years ago and have so many hopes and dreams for her...to have that girl grow up to be a charming young woman,a genius in school,very polite towards family members,very close to her friends,and she loved to sing....now,she's 6 feet under.
This reminds me of a saying that my father and mother always repeat:
"the death of parents is bearable and heals with time..but no parent should die before his children"...i call it cruelty of life.
i can choose to analyse this in 2 ways:
a-life is very ironic.(the whole "life's a bitch then we die" approach).
b-fate..meaning that God only meant for her to live for 17 years,anything more would've meant that worse things might have happened to the girl since God is merciful and he always chooses the best for people.
i know what the mother chose...while everybody were crying around her(including my mom and i who have only met the girl once) she kept saying AL7AMDULILLAH(thank you God).now if you ask me,that's deep unquestioning faith...and i sure wish i had that.
I consider myself to be a person who can differentiate between wrong and right...what i do know about religion i know for a fact,what i do not know i ask about.... and i am deeply offended when people insult my beliefs.However,i am not of the unquestioning type,and those moments of weakness create doubt,which i honestly loathe.
You get those many forwards that make you feel as guilty as hell,the ones that go like "God never asks you for much"and "why do you only remember God when you need something while He always remembers you no matter what"or "you have time to chat with your friends but never to say thank you to God"...and the list goes on...
i find this topic to be important since I'm a very spiritual person if not religious,and no matter how many people who exist out there who don't believe in God, they must believe in some higher power that we have to look up to,its in the human beings nature....if we don't believe,then why the hell are we living?
Not believing in God strips away the tastes,feelings,smells,sounds, and sights of life rendering it meaningless. We who do believe know that for every wrong we will be punished...but we also know that when we pray,God listens...if he chooses not to grant what we wish,it means there would have been no good to come out of it,now THAT i believe.I just need to stop doubting from time to time.
I saw a movie a while back that i absolutely loved because of the philosophy behind it.it was called "Wit"(an amazing movie that i advice all to watch),where a strict professor gets sick then dies a slow painful death...but that's not the point,nor is it the reason of why i like the movie.there's a part in the movies where she's reading a verse from a poem about death,and asks the students why the poet chose to place a comma after the word death-which happened to come in the MIDDLE of the verse-instead of a full stop.the explanation?death is only a brief break,a pause,and then comes another life....
i thought that explanation to be utterly beautiful.
People die...God grants patience and with time forgetfullness...that is a gift.The people who are no longer with us are with God,not forgotten,their time just came to an end when their clock stopped ticking.We cry, we move on and with time and God's help we learn how to breathe again.After all,after death,we breathe....
The above is what i choose to BELIEVE.
What i PRAY for however,is a heart full of Faith,a life full of Hope,and a journey full of Mercy...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Back
I haven't written anything in over 4 months and after reading my last post,OMG the change!
So here's whats up.It's the first day of Ramadan,meaning that my 3rd,and hopefully last year of uni will be starting in a few days.This also means that summer is over.I have frequently thought about how I'd feel during my senior year in uni,and if I'd ever regret wanting to graduate earlier.my answer is so far:NO.Although i am 100% sure that i will miss university like crazy,3 years is just right for me,not a year less to want,and not a year more to get fed up.Again,el7amdillah for small blessings.Concerning university however,one thing still concerns me, which is the fact that I'm struggling to graduate with a 3.0 average in order to be eligible to study for my masters in the UK or the US.Hopefully I'll put in all I've got into this final year and be ezen Allah all will turn out well.I don't even wanna get into the whole,where do i study,where will i get accepted,how will i pay for it crap...all in due time.
Now moving on to the whole WOMAN issue...u see,what has changed during this summer is that fact that I've already got 3 months of experience working in a newspaper,ie.my internship that i have completed a few weeks ago.
Second of all,i am glad to report that i have been tutoring for almost 3 months..and yes,it is a big deal.TEACHING+CHILDREN=HEARTATTACK....so I'm working in something where 2 things that i absolutely hate are combined...and the outcome is?a few days where i wanna strangle the children(don't report me to social services,i never have...errr,so far,hehe),but mostly,and thankfully,i learned some patience.to be honest,its not really cuz of what someone once told me,and i quote "its beautiful when you see the look of understanding in the children's eyes"...crap!i do it cuz the pay is decent,so sue me.plus,i don't mind a form of responsibility in my life....and between you and me,spending more time out of the house has been doing me good,so i guess the equation balances itself out.Plus,i am starting a new job in a languages academy that i hope i will be enjoying very much since i will be interacting with adults instead of children,teaching older people is something i definitely don't mind.One thing that a job has in common with uni that i absolutely love is the people i get to meet and sometimes even form new friendships.
Now,now here's the funny part about the "transforming to womanhood" phase:a woman I'm teaching has been recommending a few "suitors" to me...yeah i know what you're thinking...God,i can hear my dad saying"baba,for a girl your age that's totally normal"...and then flashbacks of conversations my best friend and i used to have come into my mind about how exciting that could be,not that we would've considered it,its just nice to be NORMAL,right?nooooooot!!!!now comes the funny part:i couldn't sleep because of how much i hated the idea,and what killed me the most are questions like "didn't i want this?i mean,its nice to be in the whole NORMAL scene"..but then the wake up call comes from my best friend telling me in the nicest way possible "you're not normal..you don't wanna be married in the next year..you wanna graduate and follow your dreams before thinking of settling"..and my God is she right.so that's the end of that.i talked with the lady and was as clear as day "no more recommendations..I'm not ready"..and boy am i not ready....
Generally speaking,all of those incidents have really changed the way i think and the way i view things.one thing i hated in the summer were my grades,but as usual,i still hope for the best in future.however,when a guy FINALLY confessed that he was in fact in love with me(apparently everyone including myself have known for over a year and he recently figured it out,lol),and proposed to come and ask for my hand in marriage in 2 years (he'd argue and say at this point its 23 months),i was shocked when i started asking myself "why the hell not?i mean he loves me so much and is willing to do anything i freaking want!so what the hell is wrong with me??"...I'll tell you whats wrong..i want to love the person back.my worst nightmare would be marrying someone just because they are "appropriate".no matter how great the guy would be,I'd always be miserable cuz I'd be constantly asking myself WHAT IF.Although,i do sometimes wonder what would happen if i don't follow my mom's advise "if you ever had to choose,marry someone who loves you instead of someone you love"...i guess time will only tell.
Now to the biggest part of my life:my friends.i have been very privileged to meet and become very good friends with new people,especially 2 that i would like to mention.first of all a girl whom i truly consider to be my religious conscience,although she doesn't have the link to my blog,i would really hope that she'd stay a constant presence in my life since i swear that girl will lead to my salvation,lol.Another friend,born in the city that gave birth to cool,hehe.dude,you gotta be my soul mate(in a non romantic sense,lol).i never met any other person who gets me the way you do..or just listens.you are in fact one of my closest friends, and a person who is definitely in my heart,you know who you are and you have my utmost respect.
Old friends who i am sorry to say are sorta on shaky grounds right now,is a friend who got married,but since unfortunately he chooses to keep his friendship with me a secret from his wife,i have refused to keep talking to him behind her back.i am not that kind of person,and God forbid that I'd be punished someday if I'd agreed to this.although i know he has the best intentions in his heart,this is one thing that i consider to be totally unacceptable,so hopefully he'll be able to resolve the situation soon,cuz Lord know i miss him to bits.also a high school friend who I've always tried to keep peace with(since our friendship has lasted for 6 years)..apparently,i am not worthy of her friendship anymore,so the way i see it is,i wont be in any one's face if they think I'm a burden.God bless you my dear everywhere you go in life.
for those friends who are over seas,frenchy,you are terribly missed and always loved.you have no idea how precious you are to me.you always say I'm your treasure,and so are you to me big brother.and for the other friend overseas...i know you dont have this link,but still,i gotta say that I'd hate to see 8 years of friendship go to waste just cuz you refuse to stay in touch.its your choice baby girl but i still love you and i know you know it.
For all you friends who do your best to stay in touch,your friendship is treasured,and you will hopefully find the same effort from my end to preserve you friendship,i love you all.
For all you friends who have a bit of tension with me,talk to me,i promise i wont bite your heads off(at least not after the first five mins,lol),but rest assured that i do love you..lets fight,talk about it,make up,then go drink coffee and gossip(batata,welcome back..it sure as hell was not worth it).
now the best for last,for my best friend.you are number on my list and you know it.i promise you,no more arguments.i will not fight for our friendship anymore.I'm tired...and perhaps so are you.so i have learned to step back and wait for you to decide to fight.not fight with me,but fight for a friendship that in my opinion is getting worse by the day,i hope you don't think I'm saying this cuz i want you to "teb3edy" as you like to say.so for always,I'm here for you,but no more compromises.watching "the hills" really helped me to view the past year from a different point of view,so i have taken a decision.i will always be here for you when you need me,but i know i cannot depend on you.so here's the deal.i will stay standing firm on where we currently are in our friendship,until you make me regret my decision last summer...so now the choice is yours,you either give up and walk away,or you fight.if u ask me what i want..well,I'd like you to fight to be honest.I'd like everything we dreamed about to come true.ana sababa enty..
Hopefully,there will be many more posts on the way.I'm turning 20 in less than a month so that should be worth talking about,lol.till then,I'm still an obnoxious bitch when I'm angry,the most sarcastic person on normal days,and mainly you know me,if i love you,then i really do and I'm there for you.y'all know i care,and i pray i never stop caring..from time to time however,my back breaks from fighting if I'm the only one fighting.so you should really determine who's worth fighting for in your lives.If you think i am,then i pray to God that i shall never disappoint you,and if i do,then you have my sincerest apology and my purest pain for an unintentional pain,remember however,bluntness and being honest is one thing,going out to purposely hurt you is a totally different thing...those of you who know i care,then I'm telling i do.i got nothing but love...nothing but love(and perhaps,a slight temper that comes with my 3ajloony heritage,hehe).
So here's whats up.It's the first day of Ramadan,meaning that my 3rd,and hopefully last year of uni will be starting in a few days.This also means that summer is over.I have frequently thought about how I'd feel during my senior year in uni,and if I'd ever regret wanting to graduate earlier.my answer is so far:NO.Although i am 100% sure that i will miss university like crazy,3 years is just right for me,not a year less to want,and not a year more to get fed up.Again,el7amdillah for small blessings.Concerning university however,one thing still concerns me, which is the fact that I'm struggling to graduate with a 3.0 average in order to be eligible to study for my masters in the UK or the US.Hopefully I'll put in all I've got into this final year and be ezen Allah all will turn out well.I don't even wanna get into the whole,where do i study,where will i get accepted,how will i pay for it crap...all in due time.
Now moving on to the whole WOMAN issue...u see,what has changed during this summer is that fact that I've already got 3 months of experience working in a newspaper,ie.my internship that i have completed a few weeks ago.
Second of all,i am glad to report that i have been tutoring for almost 3 months..and yes,it is a big deal.TEACHING+CHILDREN=HEARTATTACK....so I'm working in something where 2 things that i absolutely hate are combined...and the outcome is?a few days where i wanna strangle the children(don't report me to social services,i never have...errr,so far,hehe),but mostly,and thankfully,i learned some patience.to be honest,its not really cuz of what someone once told me,and i quote "its beautiful when you see the look of understanding in the children's eyes"...crap!i do it cuz the pay is decent,so sue me.plus,i don't mind a form of responsibility in my life....and between you and me,spending more time out of the house has been doing me good,so i guess the equation balances itself out.Plus,i am starting a new job in a languages academy that i hope i will be enjoying very much since i will be interacting with adults instead of children,teaching older people is something i definitely don't mind.One thing that a job has in common with uni that i absolutely love is the people i get to meet and sometimes even form new friendships.
Now,now here's the funny part about the "transforming to womanhood" phase:a woman I'm teaching has been recommending a few "suitors" to me...yeah i know what you're thinking...God,i can hear my dad saying"baba,for a girl your age that's totally normal"...and then flashbacks of conversations my best friend and i used to have come into my mind about how exciting that could be,not that we would've considered it,its just nice to be NORMAL,right?nooooooot!!!!now comes the funny part:i couldn't sleep because of how much i hated the idea,and what killed me the most are questions like "didn't i want this?i mean,its nice to be in the whole NORMAL scene"..but then the wake up call comes from my best friend telling me in the nicest way possible "you're not normal..you don't wanna be married in the next year..you wanna graduate and follow your dreams before thinking of settling"..and my God is she right.so that's the end of that.i talked with the lady and was as clear as day "no more recommendations..I'm not ready"..and boy am i not ready....
Generally speaking,all of those incidents have really changed the way i think and the way i view things.one thing i hated in the summer were my grades,but as usual,i still hope for the best in future.however,when a guy FINALLY confessed that he was in fact in love with me(apparently everyone including myself have known for over a year and he recently figured it out,lol),and proposed to come and ask for my hand in marriage in 2 years (he'd argue and say at this point its 23 months),i was shocked when i started asking myself "why the hell not?i mean he loves me so much and is willing to do anything i freaking want!so what the hell is wrong with me??"...I'll tell you whats wrong..i want to love the person back.my worst nightmare would be marrying someone just because they are "appropriate".no matter how great the guy would be,I'd always be miserable cuz I'd be constantly asking myself WHAT IF.Although,i do sometimes wonder what would happen if i don't follow my mom's advise "if you ever had to choose,marry someone who loves you instead of someone you love"...i guess time will only tell.
Now to the biggest part of my life:my friends.i have been very privileged to meet and become very good friends with new people,especially 2 that i would like to mention.first of all a girl whom i truly consider to be my religious conscience,although she doesn't have the link to my blog,i would really hope that she'd stay a constant presence in my life since i swear that girl will lead to my salvation,lol.Another friend,born in the city that gave birth to cool,hehe.dude,you gotta be my soul mate(in a non romantic sense,lol).i never met any other person who gets me the way you do..or just listens.you are in fact one of my closest friends, and a person who is definitely in my heart,you know who you are and you have my utmost respect.
Old friends who i am sorry to say are sorta on shaky grounds right now,is a friend who got married,but since unfortunately he chooses to keep his friendship with me a secret from his wife,i have refused to keep talking to him behind her back.i am not that kind of person,and God forbid that I'd be punished someday if I'd agreed to this.although i know he has the best intentions in his heart,this is one thing that i consider to be totally unacceptable,so hopefully he'll be able to resolve the situation soon,cuz Lord know i miss him to bits.also a high school friend who I've always tried to keep peace with(since our friendship has lasted for 6 years)..apparently,i am not worthy of her friendship anymore,so the way i see it is,i wont be in any one's face if they think I'm a burden.God bless you my dear everywhere you go in life.
for those friends who are over seas,frenchy,you are terribly missed and always loved.you have no idea how precious you are to me.you always say I'm your treasure,and so are you to me big brother.and for the other friend overseas...i know you dont have this link,but still,i gotta say that I'd hate to see 8 years of friendship go to waste just cuz you refuse to stay in touch.its your choice baby girl but i still love you and i know you know it.
For all you friends who do your best to stay in touch,your friendship is treasured,and you will hopefully find the same effort from my end to preserve you friendship,i love you all.
For all you friends who have a bit of tension with me,talk to me,i promise i wont bite your heads off(at least not after the first five mins,lol),but rest assured that i do love you..lets fight,talk about it,make up,then go drink coffee and gossip(batata,welcome back..it sure as hell was not worth it).
now the best for last,for my best friend.you are number on my list and you know it.i promise you,no more arguments.i will not fight for our friendship anymore.I'm tired...and perhaps so are you.so i have learned to step back and wait for you to decide to fight.not fight with me,but fight for a friendship that in my opinion is getting worse by the day,i hope you don't think I'm saying this cuz i want you to "teb3edy" as you like to say.so for always,I'm here for you,but no more compromises.watching "the hills" really helped me to view the past year from a different point of view,so i have taken a decision.i will always be here for you when you need me,but i know i cannot depend on you.so here's the deal.i will stay standing firm on where we currently are in our friendship,until you make me regret my decision last summer...so now the choice is yours,you either give up and walk away,or you fight.if u ask me what i want..well,I'd like you to fight to be honest.I'd like everything we dreamed about to come true.ana sababa enty..
Hopefully,there will be many more posts on the way.I'm turning 20 in less than a month so that should be worth talking about,lol.till then,I'm still an obnoxious bitch when I'm angry,the most sarcastic person on normal days,and mainly you know me,if i love you,then i really do and I'm there for you.y'all know i care,and i pray i never stop caring..from time to time however,my back breaks from fighting if I'm the only one fighting.so you should really determine who's worth fighting for in your lives.If you think i am,then i pray to God that i shall never disappoint you,and if i do,then you have my sincerest apology and my purest pain for an unintentional pain,remember however,bluntness and being honest is one thing,going out to purposely hurt you is a totally different thing...those of you who know i care,then I'm telling i do.i got nothing but love...nothing but love(and perhaps,a slight temper that comes with my 3ajloony heritage,hehe).
Thursday, May 3, 2007
From disappointment to a new personality and the journey in between.
My professor said something in class today that has srtuck a cord in me;he said "if you are not happy where you are now,you will never be happy in any other place in the world"...then he went on to explain that happiness is a state of mind,not location,meaning if you're happy right where you are,you still will be anywhere else you go on this vast earth.That statement got me thinking...
I find it troubling when i think back on my life,because it seems that ever since i was 10 years old,i was just planning to leave this country,and the sooner the better.The thought is still the same at present,the only thing that changed now that I'm older (and ten years later) is that from a teenager hating the country she lives in,i turned into a WOMAN who actually adores it.lol.
two things i want to comment on:1-yes,believe it or not,I'm a woman...not a girl anymore(finally admitting this mortifying fact)...scary.
2-The more i drive around this country of mine,i realize that there are memories in every single street..stories to tell my children someday perhaps...people laughing,lives passing,and heart's getting broken.
After this thought of "growing up" and thus changing,i got myself into this deep self analysis phase(that lasted for a couple of hours but that's besides the point) i figured what the problem is with me.Yes,it is indeed a problem,and the reason of why i want to....what's the word?..."escape" perhaps.It's my strict parents...dad to be specific.Allow me to clarify:I love my dad to death,and i have come to terms with the fact that we will never be close or affectionate towards each other,and it seems that no matter how much i doubt it at times,everyone who knows me and my dad are positive that he loves me so much.Now on the downside,he is as strict as hell!compared to my uncles and my cousins living in the country side,my daddy is the coolest person that ever existed,hehe.i can understnad why they would think that..el7amdillah,i have always had what i needed in terms of the best education,clothes and the best opportunities that life has to offer.Beside,who else does he work hard for?But back to him being strict,you see,dad forgets that i'm almost 20,that he has put me in a life with friends who can actually go and come around this beautiful city(at least every once in a while) and most importantly,that keeping me cooped up in the house has backfired instead of protect me as he'd hoped.
I've already explained in a previous entry that i had the fun of my life from the age of 12 to the age of 18...but having to constantly lie(which i really HATED),sneak around and keep my feelings to myself has changed me into this private person and very distant towards my family,which i still am i think somehow.Thankfully,however,i've aknowledged that the sarcasm that has developed in my teens comes so naturally to me,and the fact that i dont take shit from anybody(a stong personality they say,pah!) didnt change.what did change though,is my awareness,i'm not 16 anymore,and so i shouldnt act like one,and being an "adult"(lol) isnt really bad(rules are there for a reason-the rational side of me....but SOME rules are meant to be broken-the playful "i hate rules" side of me).plus,i do like looking after people as exhausting as it gets,lol.Its funny when i complain to my friends and they say something like"well,did you try talking to him?",hehe.i know they care and they are just trying to help,but in my house,there is no such thing as "talking",we communicate by yelling,and if you try to talk and your opinion is not liked,then boy are you in trouble.I guess every house hold is screwed up in its own way,and i thank God a thousand times that the problems in mine didn't end up screwing me up in anyway,because i still see a bright future ahead of me...and oh,i have to mention that i had the best childhood that a kid could ever hope to have(plus,i WAS your typical daddy's little girl)...blessed is the word,hehe.
Anyways,so as i said,i figured out my main problem,and to sum it up,I've always had a problem with people trying to control me,i mean i don't mind rules,but i value freedom.freedom is way up there on my priority list,so that is ONE of the major reasons of why i want to travel.It wont be easy being a 21 year old alone in a foreign world,but I've long decided to make the world my home,so if i do enjoy all the freedom the world has to offer,and things change back here to get me comfortable enough to get back,then you never know.Its not that my dad has me on a short leash or anything,I'm just too free-spirited for his standards.
I'm going to cover a bunch of topics in this blog so please bare with me.
Disappointment...should someone really expect anything from other people?well,to me the answer is an obvious yes,but most people might beg to differ.I honestly can only think of 1 person who has never disappointed me:my grandmother.she is the my most treasured human being that ever existed on this earth.Of everyone i think of right now,people i love from friends to family,they all have disappointed me one way or the other.now,don't get me wrong,disappointment doesn't mean being immune to making mistakes,its more like being and acting stupid when you consciously know that you are,and in the process end up disappointing people who had expected better judgement of you.
I look around at the current situations of close friends...my best friend is the most careless person I've ever met,Batata is making a huge mistake and whats even worse,she's not being careful about it,and a 3rd friend basically let a guy step over her heart and her whole family's dignity.Am i being hypocritical or judgemental?hell no,they know all of this for a fact and they also know that i can be a disappointment(cant think of a case but ill ask them).what i know for sure however is that i am a disappointment to my parents,not a major one,but one nonetheless.I was never the nerd in school as they hoped,i didn't study to be a pharmacist or an engineer as they hoped,and the worst thing i think for them is that my future plans don't even come close to what they were hoping for me.I wonder,will i also plan out how my kids SHOULD turn out to be,or will i let them be who they are meant to be?
If you have read my previous posts,i think you would notice that although i do have a flaring temper and no patience what so ever,i still remained to be a hopeless romantic,a free spirit,and in my own way,an optimistic person.I don't really know if i want to be that anymore.Again,let me recap,I'm almost 20,still dreaming about getting away,cant hang out with my friends very often(and be there for them the way i want to) because of the strictness of my parents,and i don't even communicate on a personal level with my own father and mother!!Plus,a life full of disappointments gets kinda sucky if you know what i mean.I'm not saying that I'm miserable in any way,I'm just focusing on the bad points in this blog for the sake of explanation,so its not like I'm depressed or anything(thank God),all I'm saying is maybe its time for a change in personality.
So I'm making a drastic life changing experiment,I'm going to try to live (at least for a while) in a state of carelessness.I will not care about what goes on with anyone at all in this world,i will try to lose my sarcasm(though this really is a key point in my personality) and maybe even just do whatever the hell i please like when i was younger just cuz i "feel" like it.you never know,i might like it and even stick to it(I'm told that it makes a person's heart ache less,so why the hell not??).On the other hand,it might kill me slowly from inside,because for some odd reason,even as a child and in my "wild phase" as some like to call it,i cared...passionately.I fought...passionately.I loved...passionately.will someone perhaps come along and change me back?well,I'm a hard girl...sorry,WOMAN...to convince,but if you do get through to me....then maybe.Think first though:am i really worth saving?does the world really need one more person to worry all the time,to bitch about things in order to set them right and to perhaps be genuinely happy about life's small pleasures?
MAYBE.
I find it troubling when i think back on my life,because it seems that ever since i was 10 years old,i was just planning to leave this country,and the sooner the better.The thought is still the same at present,the only thing that changed now that I'm older (and ten years later) is that from a teenager hating the country she lives in,i turned into a WOMAN who actually adores it.lol.
two things i want to comment on:1-yes,believe it or not,I'm a woman...not a girl anymore(finally admitting this mortifying fact)...scary.
2-The more i drive around this country of mine,i realize that there are memories in every single street..stories to tell my children someday perhaps...people laughing,lives passing,and heart's getting broken.
After this thought of "growing up" and thus changing,i got myself into this deep self analysis phase(that lasted for a couple of hours but that's besides the point) i figured what the problem is with me.Yes,it is indeed a problem,and the reason of why i want to....what's the word?..."escape" perhaps.It's my strict parents...dad to be specific.Allow me to clarify:I love my dad to death,and i have come to terms with the fact that we will never be close or affectionate towards each other,and it seems that no matter how much i doubt it at times,everyone who knows me and my dad are positive that he loves me so much.Now on the downside,he is as strict as hell!compared to my uncles and my cousins living in the country side,my daddy is the coolest person that ever existed,hehe.i can understnad why they would think that..el7amdillah,i have always had what i needed in terms of the best education,clothes and the best opportunities that life has to offer.Beside,who else does he work hard for?But back to him being strict,you see,dad forgets that i'm almost 20,that he has put me in a life with friends who can actually go and come around this beautiful city(at least every once in a while) and most importantly,that keeping me cooped up in the house has backfired instead of protect me as he'd hoped.
I've already explained in a previous entry that i had the fun of my life from the age of 12 to the age of 18...but having to constantly lie(which i really HATED),sneak around and keep my feelings to myself has changed me into this private person and very distant towards my family,which i still am i think somehow.Thankfully,however,i've aknowledged that the sarcasm that has developed in my teens comes so naturally to me,and the fact that i dont take shit from anybody(a stong personality they say,pah!) didnt change.what did change though,is my awareness,i'm not 16 anymore,and so i shouldnt act like one,and being an "adult"(lol) isnt really bad(rules are there for a reason-the rational side of me....but SOME rules are meant to be broken-the playful "i hate rules" side of me).plus,i do like looking after people as exhausting as it gets,lol.Its funny when i complain to my friends and they say something like"well,did you try talking to him?",hehe.i know they care and they are just trying to help,but in my house,there is no such thing as "talking",we communicate by yelling,and if you try to talk and your opinion is not liked,then boy are you in trouble.I guess every house hold is screwed up in its own way,and i thank God a thousand times that the problems in mine didn't end up screwing me up in anyway,because i still see a bright future ahead of me...and oh,i have to mention that i had the best childhood that a kid could ever hope to have(plus,i WAS your typical daddy's little girl)...blessed is the word,hehe.
Anyways,so as i said,i figured out my main problem,and to sum it up,I've always had a problem with people trying to control me,i mean i don't mind rules,but i value freedom.freedom is way up there on my priority list,so that is ONE of the major reasons of why i want to travel.It wont be easy being a 21 year old alone in a foreign world,but I've long decided to make the world my home,so if i do enjoy all the freedom the world has to offer,and things change back here to get me comfortable enough to get back,then you never know.Its not that my dad has me on a short leash or anything,I'm just too free-spirited for his standards.
I'm going to cover a bunch of topics in this blog so please bare with me.
Disappointment...should someone really expect anything from other people?well,to me the answer is an obvious yes,but most people might beg to differ.I honestly can only think of 1 person who has never disappointed me:my grandmother.she is the my most treasured human being that ever existed on this earth.Of everyone i think of right now,people i love from friends to family,they all have disappointed me one way or the other.now,don't get me wrong,disappointment doesn't mean being immune to making mistakes,its more like being and acting stupid when you consciously know that you are,and in the process end up disappointing people who had expected better judgement of you.
I look around at the current situations of close friends...my best friend is the most careless person I've ever met,Batata is making a huge mistake and whats even worse,she's not being careful about it,and a 3rd friend basically let a guy step over her heart and her whole family's dignity.Am i being hypocritical or judgemental?hell no,they know all of this for a fact and they also know that i can be a disappointment(cant think of a case but ill ask them).what i know for sure however is that i am a disappointment to my parents,not a major one,but one nonetheless.I was never the nerd in school as they hoped,i didn't study to be a pharmacist or an engineer as they hoped,and the worst thing i think for them is that my future plans don't even come close to what they were hoping for me.I wonder,will i also plan out how my kids SHOULD turn out to be,or will i let them be who they are meant to be?
If you have read my previous posts,i think you would notice that although i do have a flaring temper and no patience what so ever,i still remained to be a hopeless romantic,a free spirit,and in my own way,an optimistic person.I don't really know if i want to be that anymore.Again,let me recap,I'm almost 20,still dreaming about getting away,cant hang out with my friends very often(and be there for them the way i want to) because of the strictness of my parents,and i don't even communicate on a personal level with my own father and mother!!Plus,a life full of disappointments gets kinda sucky if you know what i mean.I'm not saying that I'm miserable in any way,I'm just focusing on the bad points in this blog for the sake of explanation,so its not like I'm depressed or anything(thank God),all I'm saying is maybe its time for a change in personality.
So I'm making a drastic life changing experiment,I'm going to try to live (at least for a while) in a state of carelessness.I will not care about what goes on with anyone at all in this world,i will try to lose my sarcasm(though this really is a key point in my personality) and maybe even just do whatever the hell i please like when i was younger just cuz i "feel" like it.you never know,i might like it and even stick to it(I'm told that it makes a person's heart ache less,so why the hell not??).On the other hand,it might kill me slowly from inside,because for some odd reason,even as a child and in my "wild phase" as some like to call it,i cared...passionately.I fought...passionately.I loved...passionately.will someone perhaps come along and change me back?well,I'm a hard girl...sorry,WOMAN...to convince,but if you do get through to me....then maybe.Think first though:am i really worth saving?does the world really need one more person to worry all the time,to bitch about things in order to set them right and to perhaps be genuinely happy about life's small pleasures?
MAYBE.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Systematic yet unpredictable
My friends were making jokes about me a few days ago;apparently,I'm one of those people who have a "system" concerning everything,and you know what,i found out that they are right.
Ever since i was a kid i had to have my toys organized a certain way,and if someone messed them up i was on the verge of tears!even when i was a teenager,i hated it when someone came into my room,and you know what,i could always tell if a piece of paper was touched and moved only by 1 cm.and right now i obsess on which exit to turn to when I'm driving or where i sit in class.
I'm a very systematic person indeed,but only when it comes to me,not to others.if they removed the big screen TV in my house's living room i wouldn't notice,if my brother shaves the hair on his head off,i wouldn't notice,and if my friends changed their cars it would take me a long time to notice.hehe,i guess I'm just weird like that.
On the other hand,being systematic I've noticed hasn't turned me into a predictable person,i mean sure,my friends know i like sitting in certain places,avoiding traffic by taking certain roads and i don't like anyone touching my stuff without my permission...other than that,I'm always ready for an adventure,which is why uni life doesn't really get boring.
On a final note,i believe that being systematic makes me feel comfortable,but at the same time,being unpredictable by just deciding something and going for it is what makes me happy and thus keeps me smiling.plus,people do say i look pretty when i smile,so what's the harm,eh?
Ever since i was a kid i had to have my toys organized a certain way,and if someone messed them up i was on the verge of tears!even when i was a teenager,i hated it when someone came into my room,and you know what,i could always tell if a piece of paper was touched and moved only by 1 cm.and right now i obsess on which exit to turn to when I'm driving or where i sit in class.
I'm a very systematic person indeed,but only when it comes to me,not to others.if they removed the big screen TV in my house's living room i wouldn't notice,if my brother shaves the hair on his head off,i wouldn't notice,and if my friends changed their cars it would take me a long time to notice.hehe,i guess I'm just weird like that.
On the other hand,being systematic I've noticed hasn't turned me into a predictable person,i mean sure,my friends know i like sitting in certain places,avoiding traffic by taking certain roads and i don't like anyone touching my stuff without my permission...other than that,I'm always ready for an adventure,which is why uni life doesn't really get boring.
On a final note,i believe that being systematic makes me feel comfortable,but at the same time,being unpredictable by just deciding something and going for it is what makes me happy and thus keeps me smiling.plus,people do say i look pretty when i smile,so what's the harm,eh?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Blessing or Curse?
Which is better:to care too much,or not to care at all?
This is a question that i always read on the bottom of stupid forwards i get,and somehow,i feel that it is meant for me.
It seems that every time a friend of mine is hurt,i end up hurt with them.I deal with my own heartbreaks very privately.i noticed this fact because after i recover is when i really start talking about what was bothering me.i realize how unhealthy that is,but its just the way i am i guess.
About a year and half ago,i went from being this overly sensitive person that cried about everything good and bad,to not being able to shed a single tear.thing is,i didn't mind being that way,hehe.things changed though.let me explain:my friends describe me as being the motherly type,i hurt for them,hold them while they cry,then try as best as i can to fix whatever it is broken in their life...and when i cant,i feel helpless,which in my opinion is the worst feeling a person can get.
She called me after midnight to cry about what a jerk he is...he called me to tell me that she rejected him and that he really wanted her...he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loved her and couldn't get over her...she called me telling me how pointless life is now that they're not together anymore.
my reaction:i give them a time limit to be hurting,and then i start pulling them up as best as i know how.i keep saying:YOU FELL,AND ITS ALRIGHT,BUT YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO STAY DOWN THERE FOR A WHILE,THEN ITS TIME TO GET UP,SO GET UP!
Problem with all of this,is that i ache as much as they do.I've been heartbroken,and the pain is so strong its almost crippling.so yes,i do understand,and thus i get the need to cry it out,to be hugged,to feel love more than any other time.its just that i cant cry anymore,i don't know why,i mean i still manage to cry when i see stories on TV about kids in Africa or when my mother and i have a fight and i get so angry!
My theory is that my tears are just locked up in my heart.of course concerning my friends,i still have my mind functioning clearly so I'm able to give advice when it is needed.Concerning myself,however,my mind is completely shutdown and i become NUMB.it gets so quiet inside my soul that if i try to listen really hard,i can only hear my aching heart beating steadily,and all that's left in the thundering silence when i fall asleep on a pillow wet from my tears,is the deep echo of an ache so strong that it manifests in a form of raw pain.
So back to the troubling question...is it really better to be absolutely carefree and just enjoying life and to the hell with the rest?or is it better to care for a world that doesn't give a damn?
well,i guess some people will really have a tendency to answer this differently than others would, i mean who would want to ache for a lifetime instead of get a trouble free life?
I would...life is all about choices,and i figure whats the point of living if you want to be careless and numb to others?If life was only black and white then this would indeed be my choice,the only thing I'd ask for in return though,is to get back the ability to cry,because i truly do believe it lessens the pain.maybe it will...someday.till then,i will still hurt for them,still feel for them,still stand tall,and still be there for them all.
This is a question that i always read on the bottom of stupid forwards i get,and somehow,i feel that it is meant for me.
It seems that every time a friend of mine is hurt,i end up hurt with them.I deal with my own heartbreaks very privately.i noticed this fact because after i recover is when i really start talking about what was bothering me.i realize how unhealthy that is,but its just the way i am i guess.
About a year and half ago,i went from being this overly sensitive person that cried about everything good and bad,to not being able to shed a single tear.thing is,i didn't mind being that way,hehe.things changed though.let me explain:my friends describe me as being the motherly type,i hurt for them,hold them while they cry,then try as best as i can to fix whatever it is broken in their life...and when i cant,i feel helpless,which in my opinion is the worst feeling a person can get.
She called me after midnight to cry about what a jerk he is...he called me to tell me that she rejected him and that he really wanted her...he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loved her and couldn't get over her...she called me telling me how pointless life is now that they're not together anymore.
my reaction:i give them a time limit to be hurting,and then i start pulling them up as best as i know how.i keep saying:YOU FELL,AND ITS ALRIGHT,BUT YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO STAY DOWN THERE FOR A WHILE,THEN ITS TIME TO GET UP,SO GET UP!
Problem with all of this,is that i ache as much as they do.I've been heartbroken,and the pain is so strong its almost crippling.so yes,i do understand,and thus i get the need to cry it out,to be hugged,to feel love more than any other time.its just that i cant cry anymore,i don't know why,i mean i still manage to cry when i see stories on TV about kids in Africa or when my mother and i have a fight and i get so angry!
My theory is that my tears are just locked up in my heart.of course concerning my friends,i still have my mind functioning clearly so I'm able to give advice when it is needed.Concerning myself,however,my mind is completely shutdown and i become NUMB.it gets so quiet inside my soul that if i try to listen really hard,i can only hear my aching heart beating steadily,and all that's left in the thundering silence when i fall asleep on a pillow wet from my tears,is the deep echo of an ache so strong that it manifests in a form of raw pain.
So back to the troubling question...is it really better to be absolutely carefree and just enjoying life and to the hell with the rest?or is it better to care for a world that doesn't give a damn?
well,i guess some people will really have a tendency to answer this differently than others would, i mean who would want to ache for a lifetime instead of get a trouble free life?
I would...life is all about choices,and i figure whats the point of living if you want to be careless and numb to others?If life was only black and white then this would indeed be my choice,the only thing I'd ask for in return though,is to get back the ability to cry,because i truly do believe it lessens the pain.maybe it will...someday.till then,i will still hurt for them,still feel for them,still stand tall,and still be there for them all.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The truth about lying
I had a friend once whom i respected,cherished and loved....then i lost him.
you see,there was nothing wrong with the guy,he was athletic,good-looking,sweet,charming,eloquent and even religious...or was he?
This old friend of mine,or shall i say "ex-friend" had only one problem,and unfortunately it was a major one...he lied like he breathed.what was so sad is that i was so close to him and if he would have told me that the sky is violet i would've believed him.I wouldn't consider myself to be naive cuz believe you me,he had everyone convinced that he was this self-righteous guy.
Anyways,to make a long story short,i decided along with my 2 other friends to cut relations with him.I decided this only after this major fight we had and then when the truth was revealed about him 2 weeks later.Plus,i do believe that lying is like cancer,it spreads like a disease,and if "you" keep it up,it will kill you slowly.
Now here's the catch,from all of you who read my blog...well,this "old" friend of mine has this link and i know for a fact that he reads my blog.i don't mind,and i also like it when he sends me an occasional email telling me of how he's doing and what he thought about my latest post.Funny thing is,i never reply,but both me and him know that i do read his emails.other than that there is no contact.
Although for a short while i was really angry about what his lies have done to me and our friendship,it was always what his lies have done to HIM that angered me the most.Truth be told,i never hated him.I still don't,in fact,and i don't believe i ever will.
There are days when i honestly miss calling him up just to complain about my day,to check up on him or just to read some good "nizar qabani" poems.I miss discussing politics or religion with him.i miss comfortable silences that were between us.I miss him giving me this look and telling me "a555 ya mostabedda!".hehe.
I could write a whole page of what i miss,but i would be lying if i said that i regret my choice of ending the friendship.I have recently found out how correct that decision was.I have heard that he still lies about things,and i fear that it will never change.
At present,his lying in no way affects my life.if he does decide to lie to anyone about anything that concerns me,it wouldn't affect me since we're not friends anymore.It might hurt,but Allah ysam7o.He once called and i don't really know what happened during that conversation...he either tried to justify his lies or tell me that what i heard was exaggerated.he even tried to blame some of it on others.at the end of that conversation however he asked for my forgiveness and indirectly admitted to his wrong doing...i do forgive him from all my heart...it is believed that "to err is human...to forgive is divine".
I have sworn to never discuss this again with him if he opens the subject anytime in the future..if we get in touch that is.I do pray with all my heart that for his sake he can learn to stop lying...he might say that he doesn't,but me and him both know what really goes on in his head.he once laughed and told me "how come you know me better than i know myself?!".I cant tell you how,but i can tell you this:i believe in you,you have the potential to change the world,and you are a great guy.
If i can be your muse for one day only,I'd inspire you not to lie,and once you achieve that,you'll own the world.
you see,there was nothing wrong with the guy,he was athletic,good-looking,sweet,charming,eloquent and even religious...or was he?
This old friend of mine,or shall i say "ex-friend" had only one problem,and unfortunately it was a major one...he lied like he breathed.what was so sad is that i was so close to him and if he would have told me that the sky is violet i would've believed him.I wouldn't consider myself to be naive cuz believe you me,he had everyone convinced that he was this self-righteous guy.
Anyways,to make a long story short,i decided along with my 2 other friends to cut relations with him.I decided this only after this major fight we had and then when the truth was revealed about him 2 weeks later.Plus,i do believe that lying is like cancer,it spreads like a disease,and if "you" keep it up,it will kill you slowly.
Now here's the catch,from all of you who read my blog...well,this "old" friend of mine has this link and i know for a fact that he reads my blog.i don't mind,and i also like it when he sends me an occasional email telling me of how he's doing and what he thought about my latest post.Funny thing is,i never reply,but both me and him know that i do read his emails.other than that there is no contact.
Although for a short while i was really angry about what his lies have done to me and our friendship,it was always what his lies have done to HIM that angered me the most.Truth be told,i never hated him.I still don't,in fact,and i don't believe i ever will.
There are days when i honestly miss calling him up just to complain about my day,to check up on him or just to read some good "nizar qabani" poems.I miss discussing politics or religion with him.i miss comfortable silences that were between us.I miss him giving me this look and telling me "a555 ya mostabedda!".hehe.
I could write a whole page of what i miss,but i would be lying if i said that i regret my choice of ending the friendship.I have recently found out how correct that decision was.I have heard that he still lies about things,and i fear that it will never change.
At present,his lying in no way affects my life.if he does decide to lie to anyone about anything that concerns me,it wouldn't affect me since we're not friends anymore.It might hurt,but Allah ysam7o.He once called and i don't really know what happened during that conversation...he either tried to justify his lies or tell me that what i heard was exaggerated.he even tried to blame some of it on others.at the end of that conversation however he asked for my forgiveness and indirectly admitted to his wrong doing...i do forgive him from all my heart...it is believed that "to err is human...to forgive is divine".
I have sworn to never discuss this again with him if he opens the subject anytime in the future..if we get in touch that is.I do pray with all my heart that for his sake he can learn to stop lying...he might say that he doesn't,but me and him both know what really goes on in his head.he once laughed and told me "how come you know me better than i know myself?!".I cant tell you how,but i can tell you this:i believe in you,you have the potential to change the world,and you are a great guy.
If i can be your muse for one day only,I'd inspire you not to lie,and once you achieve that,you'll own the world.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
special stuff,tiny treasures and precious possessions
Every person has trinkets that he/she love,and I'm no exception.
Some of the "special stuff" that i own are old stuffed animals that I've had since i was a baby.I still keep them on a shelf in my room since each remind me of something that makes me feel happy.
My "tiny treasures" include souvenirs that either i had collected from different places,or some that friends and family got me.they are mostly key chains that i collect.its like having a piece of different countries with different cultures around that world,and when i hold the key chains,its like holding the world between my hands.
Under my bed there's a box with my "precious possessions".These include cards from close friends on birthdays,small gifts from people who mean the world to me and tiny memories in the form of what anyone else looking into that box would consider to be "junk".
Recently added to my list of things i love,is a beautiful necklace,in the form of an angel,that i had always imagined having,which was given to me as a belated birthday gift from a very close friend (also known as "batata" in a previous blog,hehe).
If you could only see my room you'd notice that i have alot of "junk" lying around,but in truth,everything i own has a story behind it..a memory that always puts a smile on my face and fills my heart with warmth whenever i walk by my truly beautiful junk.
Some of the "special stuff" that i own are old stuffed animals that I've had since i was a baby.I still keep them on a shelf in my room since each remind me of something that makes me feel happy.
My "tiny treasures" include souvenirs that either i had collected from different places,or some that friends and family got me.they are mostly key chains that i collect.its like having a piece of different countries with different cultures around that world,and when i hold the key chains,its like holding the world between my hands.
Under my bed there's a box with my "precious possessions".These include cards from close friends on birthdays,small gifts from people who mean the world to me and tiny memories in the form of what anyone else looking into that box would consider to be "junk".
Recently added to my list of things i love,is a beautiful necklace,in the form of an angel,that i had always imagined having,which was given to me as a belated birthday gift from a very close friend (also known as "batata" in a previous blog,hehe).
If you could only see my room you'd notice that i have alot of "junk" lying around,but in truth,everything i own has a story behind it..a memory that always puts a smile on my face and fills my heart with warmth whenever i walk by my truly beautiful junk.
The Importance of turning 20
I called my best friend last week at midnight exactly since it marked her birthday...not any birthday,her 20th.I know people usually fuss about sweet 16s (and boy did i have a party for that) and turning 18 when some things become legal (particularly driving over here) and 21 when u can basically do anything that the law allows.but 20...that's a big leap,the "teen" word is dropped...no more blaming stupid acts on raging hormones,no more parents yelling saying "you're only (number)teen!"and for some odd reason the falafel dude seems to be offended when you call him "3amo",and he'd rather call you "ya5ty"(or "ya5oy" if your a guy).
On the other hand,parents still refuse to believe that their kids are actually growing up,annoying...but human nature,i get that.Also,pimples don't seem to miraculously disappear,and curfew is not extended....so bummer.
I don't want to sound fragmented by jumping from one point to another in my story (like Tristram Shandy),but back to my phone call to my best friend.We basically talked about growing up,generally.i mean that's a constant job,a person never really stops growing up,however 20 seems to be different.it marks our stay on planet earth for 2 decades,a generation all grown up now,ready to graduate,take on the responsibility of work and then eventually get married....hmmm.Is it normal?yes.Am i scared?Shitless.
I think most people have a "to do" list.Mine has a limit...6/10/2007,my very own 20th birthday.I am sad to say however that not even a few of the things that i want to do on that list i have actually done.Examples?Skydiving,bungee jumping and learning how to play the guitar....maybe in the next 7 months...or just someday.
Although I'm expressing my fears,i don't want anyone to get me wrong,i welcome the upcoming years so BRING IT ON!!!What's the importance of turning 20?I concluded that its all about welcoming the next 20 years with a clear mind,renewed faith and an open heart.
On the other hand,parents still refuse to believe that their kids are actually growing up,annoying...but human nature,i get that.Also,pimples don't seem to miraculously disappear,and curfew is not extended....so bummer.
I don't want to sound fragmented by jumping from one point to another in my story (like Tristram Shandy),but back to my phone call to my best friend.We basically talked about growing up,generally.i mean that's a constant job,a person never really stops growing up,however 20 seems to be different.it marks our stay on planet earth for 2 decades,a generation all grown up now,ready to graduate,take on the responsibility of work and then eventually get married....hmmm.Is it normal?yes.Am i scared?Shitless.
I think most people have a "to do" list.Mine has a limit...6/10/2007,my very own 20th birthday.I am sad to say however that not even a few of the things that i want to do on that list i have actually done.Examples?Skydiving,bungee jumping and learning how to play the guitar....maybe in the next 7 months...or just someday.
Although I'm expressing my fears,i don't want anyone to get me wrong,i welcome the upcoming years so BRING IT ON!!!What's the importance of turning 20?I concluded that its all about welcoming the next 20 years with a clear mind,renewed faith and an open heart.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
A funny story
So 2 days ago,i had to buy 2 books important courses I'm taking in uni.Luck has it that that particular day was Valentines day.Being single,that day really wasn't a big deal for me,though i have t admit the romance in the air was a little nauseating(people would argue that I'm jealous,but whatever,hehe).Anyways,my friend,lets call her batata just for the sake of anonymity,asked me with that puppy eye look to get her the same 2 books that I'm getting.Of course i couldn't say no,even after she gave me her notebook and book to carry around that day on top of my own book and notebook.I couldn't really say no also because it was her 1st actual date with a guy she really loves(also a good buddy of mine,but an idiot nonetheless).
Anyways,i dragged 2 friends with me to go buy the books from the other side of uni,which is a long way to walk by the way,but hey,its exercise,so why not?!I didn't even mind walking through this area next to the bookshop where they were cleaning the sewers.Now,i had previously asked batata to send me a message with the exact name of the 2 books,and she sure did...except that,although she gave me the exact name of the 1st,concerning the second,the text read "tell him(the man selling the books) something with an h"....i know,jaw dropping,i could swear that second that batata was internally blonde.
I have already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that patience is no virtue of mine,and it sure as hell wasnt in this case,so upon receiving this message i counted to 10 and took a deep breath before calling batata.After yelling at her to my hearts content,she promised to get me the exact name in 2 minutes.She didn't,shocked?
After leaving my 2 friends waiting outside,I went into the book store and got the 2 books with the correct name,and even managed to get the 2 books that start with an h.of course the look on my face was all but amusing when i saw the size of those 4 books.i mean Goddammit!they were the thickest books I've ever seen!!!
Now here's the thing,i was already carrying 2 books in my arms,and 2 notebooks in my bag when i paid for the 4 books.There were 8 young men in the store with me also buying books,and when presented with the dilemma of carrying the books,do you think any of the "gentlemen" offered to help??hmm...I somehow managed to carry everything outside,so lets leave it at that.Now when i got outside,my 2 friends that i had actually brought along to aid me,were nowhere to be seen,so i had to cross the vast parking lot to find them chatting casually on a bench...please in any point of this story don't forget what i was carrying.
Each of the girls with me carried one of the thick books on the way back to our lectures,and by the time i got to my lecture hall-arms broken after separating with the 2 girls,with 3 of the 4 thick books(not to mention the 2 notebooks and 2 other books) and also 2 minutes late for my lecture-my mood lifted because i generally had an interesting class...or nothing too boring lets say.
After my lecture,i looked at all the books that i had to carry again to the parking lot to dump in my car,and i realized that i was physically unable to carry them on my own anymore because my arms were still aching.Anyways,i figured I'll just call to check up on batata and her date.I was really happy,however,to find out that she was on her way back to uni,she was actually 2 minutes away from me,so i kindly asked her to come and help me carry the books.Of course her reaction shocked me,it seems that i was extremely dumb,because her reply was"well if you have alot of books ,why carry them around with you? just take them to your car!!!",and she said it in such a matter-of-fact matter that i was like DUH!!!why didn't i think of that.I proceeded to apologize for my stupidity and said that i will do just that.Of course I'm sure that my friends just missed the fact that i enjoyed carrying the books around so much that i completely forgot,or even better,i didn't even think of that in the 1st place!!!
After this intelligent conversation,i called my best friend and asked her to meet me half way from where she was so she can help me carry the darn books.I get there,half way that is,and I'm glad to see that she's walking towards me with a male friend.Now imagine this,while I'm walking towards them,trying to go as fast as i could because i could swear that my arms almost fell off,and barely able to catch my breath,the STROLL towards me...as slow as their feet can carry them,no need for urgency while their tired out of breath friends with the all the books tries not to stumble.Anyway,things get better when they actually get to me,and i dump all books on our friends,the dude,hehehe.
The four of us head to the parking lot,and we had to depart with out male friend at the 1st floor cuz he needed to get his books from his car to catch his lecture on time.No problem.he hands me the books again,and i don't bother to tell my best friend anything because she was apparently engrossed in this important phone call,also no problem.Even while she was having this important phone call,while i was still struggling with all the books,she still found a sec to turn to me and gesture for me to hurry up...no problem.
We get to the car,she finishes her phone call,and is bitchin about some problem that a friend is having,now normally,i wouldn't mind listening to her if i weren't so busy trying to balance all the books while fishing for my keys in my stuffed bag...i find them,i open the car,i dump the books!!!mission achieved...finally,so no problem after all.
After my long day and aching arms,i call batata once again telling her how imperative it is for her not to be late for our 3:30 lecture.i emphasize the importance of this particular lecture,and even "nicely" ask her to be there even 5 minutes earlier.she agrees.you think she got there on time?10 minutes late for the lecture,and she even almost throws up on the way....NO FREAKIN PROBLEM.
Anyways,i dragged 2 friends with me to go buy the books from the other side of uni,which is a long way to walk by the way,but hey,its exercise,so why not?!I didn't even mind walking through this area next to the bookshop where they were cleaning the sewers.Now,i had previously asked batata to send me a message with the exact name of the 2 books,and she sure did...except that,although she gave me the exact name of the 1st,concerning the second,the text read "tell him(the man selling the books) something with an h"....i know,jaw dropping,i could swear that second that batata was internally blonde.
I have already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that patience is no virtue of mine,and it sure as hell wasnt in this case,so upon receiving this message i counted to 10 and took a deep breath before calling batata.After yelling at her to my hearts content,she promised to get me the exact name in 2 minutes.She didn't,shocked?
After leaving my 2 friends waiting outside,I went into the book store and got the 2 books with the correct name,and even managed to get the 2 books that start with an h.of course the look on my face was all but amusing when i saw the size of those 4 books.i mean Goddammit!they were the thickest books I've ever seen!!!
Now here's the thing,i was already carrying 2 books in my arms,and 2 notebooks in my bag when i paid for the 4 books.There were 8 young men in the store with me also buying books,and when presented with the dilemma of carrying the books,do you think any of the "gentlemen" offered to help??hmm...I somehow managed to carry everything outside,so lets leave it at that.Now when i got outside,my 2 friends that i had actually brought along to aid me,were nowhere to be seen,so i had to cross the vast parking lot to find them chatting casually on a bench...please in any point of this story don't forget what i was carrying.
Each of the girls with me carried one of the thick books on the way back to our lectures,and by the time i got to my lecture hall-arms broken after separating with the 2 girls,with 3 of the 4 thick books(not to mention the 2 notebooks and 2 other books) and also 2 minutes late for my lecture-my mood lifted because i generally had an interesting class...or nothing too boring lets say.
After my lecture,i looked at all the books that i had to carry again to the parking lot to dump in my car,and i realized that i was physically unable to carry them on my own anymore because my arms were still aching.Anyways,i figured I'll just call to check up on batata and her date.I was really happy,however,to find out that she was on her way back to uni,she was actually 2 minutes away from me,so i kindly asked her to come and help me carry the books.Of course her reaction shocked me,it seems that i was extremely dumb,because her reply was"well if you have alot of books ,why carry them around with you? just take them to your car!!!",and she said it in such a matter-of-fact matter that i was like DUH!!!why didn't i think of that.I proceeded to apologize for my stupidity and said that i will do just that.Of course I'm sure that my friends just missed the fact that i enjoyed carrying the books around so much that i completely forgot,or even better,i didn't even think of that in the 1st place!!!
After this intelligent conversation,i called my best friend and asked her to meet me half way from where she was so she can help me carry the darn books.I get there,half way that is,and I'm glad to see that she's walking towards me with a male friend.Now imagine this,while I'm walking towards them,trying to go as fast as i could because i could swear that my arms almost fell off,and barely able to catch my breath,the STROLL towards me...as slow as their feet can carry them,no need for urgency while their tired out of breath friends with the all the books tries not to stumble.Anyway,things get better when they actually get to me,and i dump all books on our friends,the dude,hehehe.
The four of us head to the parking lot,and we had to depart with out male friend at the 1st floor cuz he needed to get his books from his car to catch his lecture on time.No problem.he hands me the books again,and i don't bother to tell my best friend anything because she was apparently engrossed in this important phone call,also no problem.Even while she was having this important phone call,while i was still struggling with all the books,she still found a sec to turn to me and gesture for me to hurry up...no problem.
We get to the car,she finishes her phone call,and is bitchin about some problem that a friend is having,now normally,i wouldn't mind listening to her if i weren't so busy trying to balance all the books while fishing for my keys in my stuffed bag...i find them,i open the car,i dump the books!!!mission achieved...finally,so no problem after all.
After my long day and aching arms,i call batata once again telling her how imperative it is for her not to be late for our 3:30 lecture.i emphasize the importance of this particular lecture,and even "nicely" ask her to be there even 5 minutes earlier.she agrees.you think she got there on time?10 minutes late for the lecture,and she even almost throws up on the way....NO FREAKIN PROBLEM.
Been a while
I guess the only time I'll get to write anything on my blog would be on weekends,cuz it seems like on weekdays i never have time since uni started again.I love going to uni,its fun.My classes however,are a totally different matter.My classes absolutely suck,and not to mention half of my professors.
Every class that i tried taking with a certain professor got changed,just my luck!(i still don't believe in luck,its just an expression,hehe).I try to look on the bright side however,most of those teaching me like me,I'm meeting a bunch of new people everyday,and I'm back to eating the lousy but ever so yummy uni food.
One thing I'll miss about being off is reading.i barely have time to do schoolwork,let alone read books for my personal entertainment.its safe to say that I'm happy...generally i mean.concerning life that is,el7amdillah.
Every class that i tried taking with a certain professor got changed,just my luck!(i still don't believe in luck,its just an expression,hehe).I try to look on the bright side however,most of those teaching me like me,I'm meeting a bunch of new people everyday,and I'm back to eating the lousy but ever so yummy uni food.
One thing I'll miss about being off is reading.i barely have time to do schoolwork,let alone read books for my personal entertainment.its safe to say that I'm happy...generally i mean.concerning life that is,el7amdillah.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Frustrated!
I haven't slept well for 3 nights,and not because i keep imagining the perfect guy who will never come,or because the maid came into my room to get something,or not even because my mom woke me up to have pancakes for breakfast.Believe it or not,i got my marks recently,and i ain't happy with them.
I worked hard the past semester,didn't even mind being called a "nerd"(a cool one for that matter,if such a thing exists,hehe),and what do i get?3 A's,2 B+'s and 1 B.I know i know,those look good,huh?and thank God for everything,but honestly speaking,i didn't study to get a B or 2 freakin B+'s!!!!
For the past 3 nights,i have had a hard time sleeping because i kept thinking about what i could have done better to deserve those A's i worked for...if you think that any answer came to mind,then you're wrong.Nil.Natta.Zip.Zero.BIG FREAKIN' NOTHIN'!!!I can honestly say that i have done my best and i truly do believe that i deserve A's in those subjects.I'm not a snob or anything,but when someone is on the top of their class and they know it,like myself,they deserve the highest grades!am i right or am i right???
I try to work hard to get what i want,i don't expect to get anything on a silver platter(I've always wondered why its silver and not gold in that expression...),and although i do like to live by the "no expectations no disappointments" motto,i have to be realistic;i need the high grades to get a scholarship if i want to pursue a graduate degree in the UK in the US.
I'd like to end this blog by a quote from a song by Kid Rock,"You get what you put in,and people get what they deserve...still i ain't seen mine,no i ain't seen mine...I've been giving just ain't been gettin'...I've been walking that there line...so i think I'll keep on walking with my head up high...i keep moving on,and only God knows why."
I worked hard the past semester,didn't even mind being called a "nerd"(a cool one for that matter,if such a thing exists,hehe),and what do i get?3 A's,2 B+'s and 1 B.I know i know,those look good,huh?and thank God for everything,but honestly speaking,i didn't study to get a B or 2 freakin B+'s!!!!
For the past 3 nights,i have had a hard time sleeping because i kept thinking about what i could have done better to deserve those A's i worked for...if you think that any answer came to mind,then you're wrong.Nil.Natta.Zip.Zero.BIG FREAKIN' NOTHIN'!!!I can honestly say that i have done my best and i truly do believe that i deserve A's in those subjects.I'm not a snob or anything,but when someone is on the top of their class and they know it,like myself,they deserve the highest grades!am i right or am i right???
I try to work hard to get what i want,i don't expect to get anything on a silver platter(I've always wondered why its silver and not gold in that expression...),and although i do like to live by the "no expectations no disappointments" motto,i have to be realistic;i need the high grades to get a scholarship if i want to pursue a graduate degree in the UK in the US.
I'd like to end this blog by a quote from a song by Kid Rock,"You get what you put in,and people get what they deserve...still i ain't seen mine,no i ain't seen mine...I've been giving just ain't been gettin'...I've been walking that there line...so i think I'll keep on walking with my head up high...i keep moving on,and only God knows why."
Selfishness
Recently,my best friend told me something that i never knew about her before.You see,you have to understand something about me and her before i mention what she said;we are different,in the sense that I'm considered to be the loud one,as opposed to her quiet nature.I'm the stubborn one,while she's easy going.Plus I'm the more "in your face" speak my mind bluntly kind of person,while she's more smooth and subtle in voicing her opinion.On the other hand,however,we are both crazy and fun loving girls that are always there for each other.
Back to my point,apparently she has grown up to be a people pleaser,not a door matt in any sense,just doing everything in her life to please the people around her...especially her parents.Now on first impression,you might think that that's a good thing,but on the contrary,she told me that the only time she's been truly happy is when she started college.She started doing things that made HER happy instead of caring what anyone else wanted.Unfortunately,for a while there she made a couple of mistakes,but after falling she got up again and learned from her mistakes(or at least i hope so).
After discussing the reason for her recent change in behavior,not that i mind as long as she's happy and careful,i started reflecting on my own 19 years of life.I don't recall ever doing anything that i didn't like just to make others happy.honestly speaking,i do like making people happy,and i absolutely would get out of my way if i could do something that can bring a smile to the faces of those i love and care about...but doing something that would make me UNHAPPY is a total different issue.
I guess after realizing this about myself,i can see why some might call me selfish,but i don't think its justified,because why would someone who allegedly cares for me,ask me to do something that would hurt me or make me unhappy?there's no reason in that if you ask me.if you have to do something,then you just HAVE to do it..but when presented with an option,then go ahead and do what YOU want.
I don't think i was born with these specific thoughts,but the thing is,i was never the prettiest in my class in school,never the smartest,never a good athlete,so although i do remember trying to impress my teachers,colleagues and even parents,most times i have come out to be a total disappointment.I learned that life is too short to try to live up to people's expectations,I'm going to be a first rate version of myself.
Back to my point,apparently she has grown up to be a people pleaser,not a door matt in any sense,just doing everything in her life to please the people around her...especially her parents.Now on first impression,you might think that that's a good thing,but on the contrary,she told me that the only time she's been truly happy is when she started college.She started doing things that made HER happy instead of caring what anyone else wanted.Unfortunately,for a while there she made a couple of mistakes,but after falling she got up again and learned from her mistakes(or at least i hope so).
After discussing the reason for her recent change in behavior,not that i mind as long as she's happy and careful,i started reflecting on my own 19 years of life.I don't recall ever doing anything that i didn't like just to make others happy.honestly speaking,i do like making people happy,and i absolutely would get out of my way if i could do something that can bring a smile to the faces of those i love and care about...but doing something that would make me UNHAPPY is a total different issue.
I guess after realizing this about myself,i can see why some might call me selfish,but i don't think its justified,because why would someone who allegedly cares for me,ask me to do something that would hurt me or make me unhappy?there's no reason in that if you ask me.if you have to do something,then you just HAVE to do it..but when presented with an option,then go ahead and do what YOU want.
I don't think i was born with these specific thoughts,but the thing is,i was never the prettiest in my class in school,never the smartest,never a good athlete,so although i do remember trying to impress my teachers,colleagues and even parents,most times i have come out to be a total disappointment.I learned that life is too short to try to live up to people's expectations,I'm going to be a first rate version of myself.
Friday, January 26, 2007
A wild horse
Sometimes I start comparing myself with my girlfriends,mentality wise.I find it extremely ironic how one way or another,they all think the same way concerning a very specific issue:marriage.I don't want to be misunderstood,i think 90% of all girls growing up,including myself,dream about growing up,getting married to men they love and eventually becoming mothers.Now here's the controversy,i know for a fact that a few of my friends don't want that at all,some who don't want it till at least they're 30,and others who are just doing it early because "the right opportunity" has come.What's even more ironic than what i mentioned is that I'm talking about a bunch of 19 year old girls,i mean come on!they are not desperate women in their 30's,they still have the rest of their lives ahead of them!
I'm honestly not against marriage at all,for instance,I'm the one who always goes on and on about the "perfect" guy,which mind you i will find someday,and also I'm pretty sure that God put me on this earth to someday become a mother,which is probably why i have strong maternity feelings towards any baby i carry between my arms.I want that whole dream,probably before i turn 30,where i see myself sitting next to my husband while we watch our kids play with a dog in the front yard...but just not quite yet.
Here's how i can describe myself:if you believe in myths where human beings will be reincarnated in animal body's when they die(which i don't but this is for the sake of explanation),i would be reincarnated into a horse's body,a wild horse to be exact...no boundaries,no limits,no restrains...just pure freedom.Before i decide to settle down with a family of my own that i do desperately want,i want to leave home and live my life the way i want to.Don't get the wrong idea,I don't mean i wanna run wild or anything,hehehe,but just get to know myself better after breaking free...i don't know how I'm gonna do that,perhaps by braiding my hair,putting on a cowboy hat then sitting in the shade of a tree somewhere in the middle of Texas and singing while i play the guitar...hehe,simple but very fulfilling.
Life is short,so I want to choose a lifestyle to compliment me,not to complete me.God has created me as a complete human being already,not perfect,but perfect in my imperfection,and i feel it when I'm carefree,happy and just acting like ME.All i want for now,is the wind in my hair and to face the fear without being scared,just like a wild horse,i wanna open up my heart to the world and then,when I'm ready,I'll hopefully settle after recklessly falling in love like I'm longing to.
I'm honestly not against marriage at all,for instance,I'm the one who always goes on and on about the "perfect" guy,which mind you i will find someday,and also I'm pretty sure that God put me on this earth to someday become a mother,which is probably why i have strong maternity feelings towards any baby i carry between my arms.I want that whole dream,probably before i turn 30,where i see myself sitting next to my husband while we watch our kids play with a dog in the front yard...but just not quite yet.
Here's how i can describe myself:if you believe in myths where human beings will be reincarnated in animal body's when they die(which i don't but this is for the sake of explanation),i would be reincarnated into a horse's body,a wild horse to be exact...no boundaries,no limits,no restrains...just pure freedom.Before i decide to settle down with a family of my own that i do desperately want,i want to leave home and live my life the way i want to.Don't get the wrong idea,I don't mean i wanna run wild or anything,hehehe,but just get to know myself better after breaking free...i don't know how I'm gonna do that,perhaps by braiding my hair,putting on a cowboy hat then sitting in the shade of a tree somewhere in the middle of Texas and singing while i play the guitar...hehe,simple but very fulfilling.
Life is short,so I want to choose a lifestyle to compliment me,not to complete me.God has created me as a complete human being already,not perfect,but perfect in my imperfection,and i feel it when I'm carefree,happy and just acting like ME.All i want for now,is the wind in my hair and to face the fear without being scared,just like a wild horse,i wanna open up my heart to the world and then,when I'm ready,I'll hopefully settle after recklessly falling in love like I'm longing to.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Lucky me!!!
A friend of mine was telling me about how lucky he is to have a certain kind of lifestyle and he went on to describe what he loves about his life,so listening to what he had to say,i casually said"you should thank God for what you have sweety".His reaction?"Nah,I'm just lucky".Lucky????LUCK????what the hell IS freakin luck???
I've never been a person to believe in such a thing called luck.Ever heard of destiny or fate?Disregard what people want to believe,the fortune that God gave them wasn't by accident,it wasn't "luck".Every person has had a whole plan set out for him for his entire life,in other words its meant to be,whether good or bad,God tests you,and if u pass,He rewards you.
"Why don't i have hair like hers?","why aren't i as rich as he is?","how come his ride is cooler than mine?"......stop envying the fortunes of others and be thankful for what God gave you.You are just perfect in your imperfection,and learn to be comfortable in your own skin so you can appreciate what you have.Remember,you are NOT lucky,just simply Blessed.
I've never been a person to believe in such a thing called luck.Ever heard of destiny or fate?Disregard what people want to believe,the fortune that God gave them wasn't by accident,it wasn't "luck".Every person has had a whole plan set out for him for his entire life,in other words its meant to be,whether good or bad,God tests you,and if u pass,He rewards you.
"Why don't i have hair like hers?","why aren't i as rich as he is?","how come his ride is cooler than mine?"......stop envying the fortunes of others and be thankful for what God gave you.You are just perfect in your imperfection,and learn to be comfortable in your own skin so you can appreciate what you have.Remember,you are NOT lucky,just simply Blessed.
Tango
I was watching this movie about a week ago where tango was described as "sex on hardwood",hehehehe.I like that to be honest,its a funny description.I would love to learn how to dance tango,salsa and even mambo!!!Who wouldn't?
Learning how to dance professionally was something i always wanted,a dream you can say.The strength you need to have in your body for all the lifts and turns is extraordinary,plus,dancing makes the dancer look so graceful...or so i think.The difference shows between a person who can dance tango just because they learned and practiced daily,and the one who just pure enjoys it.Both can be absolutely professional,but trust me,passion shows in the eyes of the person even if they try to conceal it.It also helps to love or "be passionate" towards the person you're dancing with,then the description "sex on hardwood" wouldn't hurt,hehe.
The reason i mentioned the dancing as an example is that i think you have to have passion in your heart to perfect anything...passion to study to be someone in the future,passion to play the guitar,passion to sing..."you can do anything you set your mind to",a professor of mine once said.I think what he meant by that is not just trying to get something just because you can,its more like when you really want something with all your hear...reach for the stars,there are no limits...
Learning how to dance professionally was something i always wanted,a dream you can say.The strength you need to have in your body for all the lifts and turns is extraordinary,plus,dancing makes the dancer look so graceful...or so i think.The difference shows between a person who can dance tango just because they learned and practiced daily,and the one who just pure enjoys it.Both can be absolutely professional,but trust me,passion shows in the eyes of the person even if they try to conceal it.It also helps to love or "be passionate" towards the person you're dancing with,then the description "sex on hardwood" wouldn't hurt,hehe.
The reason i mentioned the dancing as an example is that i think you have to have passion in your heart to perfect anything...passion to study to be someone in the future,passion to play the guitar,passion to sing..."you can do anything you set your mind to",a professor of mine once said.I think what he meant by that is not just trying to get something just because you can,its more like when you really want something with all your hear...reach for the stars,there are no limits...
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
King Arther
I was watching the movie "King Arther" for like the 10th time a few nights ago.It's one of my favorite movies,i mean,the story is great,and so are the characters(good looking male actors,hehe) and the setting,you name it!I have to admit however,the part i love the most is that there are actual "MEN" in this movie...men who still appreciate love and romance,men who fight for a cause,and men who even fear death,and yet would do anything for their freedom..
The reason why I'm mentioning this,is I look around,and at least in my university,I don't know "men",the macho type lets say.I mean,sure,perhaps they do exist,but honestly speaking,i haven't seen ANY!its sad,isn't it?I gotta admit though,I have great male friends,but they're just "guys",know what I mean?
I was discussing this with one of my "male friends" and he accused me of apparently being a dreamer and told me to "get real".We grow up watching Disney movies believing that anything is possible.I remember believing that i would become a fairy or a mermaid if i stayed good(wild imagination if u ask me),but i also remember that Snow White,Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty had actual men fighting for them,so don't you think its sad that Disney is basically showing us what could have been,what men actually used to be a long time ago(or so history says),and yet there's a guy telling me to "get real"???Is how you're hair looks today really more important than what's inside you're heart??
I pride myself on being a girl who always fights to get what she wants,and usually i do earn it,so yes,i am a dreamer and proud of it too.I wanna end up married to that kinda man,and who knows...Tinkerbell might sprinkle some pixie dust on me,and I'd fly to chase my dreams...who knows indeed.
The reason why I'm mentioning this,is I look around,and at least in my university,I don't know "men",the macho type lets say.I mean,sure,perhaps they do exist,but honestly speaking,i haven't seen ANY!its sad,isn't it?I gotta admit though,I have great male friends,but they're just "guys",know what I mean?
I was discussing this with one of my "male friends" and he accused me of apparently being a dreamer and told me to "get real".We grow up watching Disney movies believing that anything is possible.I remember believing that i would become a fairy or a mermaid if i stayed good(wild imagination if u ask me),but i also remember that Snow White,Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty had actual men fighting for them,so don't you think its sad that Disney is basically showing us what could have been,what men actually used to be a long time ago(or so history says),and yet there's a guy telling me to "get real"???Is how you're hair looks today really more important than what's inside you're heart??
I pride myself on being a girl who always fights to get what she wants,and usually i do earn it,so yes,i am a dreamer and proud of it too.I wanna end up married to that kinda man,and who knows...Tinkerbell might sprinkle some pixie dust on me,and I'd fly to chase my dreams...who knows indeed.
Monday, January 1, 2007
Music talk
I consider myself some sort of a "music freak",if such a thing actually exists.Alot of people are shocked that I enjoy English music more than Arabic,which should be the case since I live in Jordan,my beloved country.Maybe the influence came from my mom (she's American),because growing up I remember her always having the radio on,English music channel of course,and singing along.
Anyway,to get to my point,I recommend Avant's song "lie about us".You see,I really find the lyrics to be annoying!I mean,no one wants to find themselves in this love triangle!You have this guy with this terrific girlfriend that loves him alot,and then he just finds a new girl that also loves him and he loves her back!Now he wants to leave his girlfriend to get with the other girl officially but he doesn't want to break his girlfriend's heart,yet the other girl says she's just tired of waiting for him!Life's just not fair,if falling in love was only a choice...
Another song that's really good is "It's not over" for Chris Daughtry.I've been a fan of this guy since he appeared on American Idol,the lyrics are amazing and so is the music,not to mention his voice.
Last song i would like to mention is called "just like a star" for Corinne Bailey Rae.How can i describe this song?Let's see...its a song you put on when the weather is really cold,preferably raining,and you're home alone,you don't feel like going out,so you just sit by the fireplace,wrapped in a warm blanket,drinking some hot chocolate,and deep in thought about your life...where its going...your future...
That's it for now I guess,this is why I love this web page of mine,I felt to write my thoughts with no conditions,meaningless perhaps to some,yet for me,i like the idea of writing about nothing and absolutely everything...hehe.
later...peace.
Anyway,to get to my point,I recommend Avant's song "lie about us".You see,I really find the lyrics to be annoying!I mean,no one wants to find themselves in this love triangle!You have this guy with this terrific girlfriend that loves him alot,and then he just finds a new girl that also loves him and he loves her back!Now he wants to leave his girlfriend to get with the other girl officially but he doesn't want to break his girlfriend's heart,yet the other girl says she's just tired of waiting for him!Life's just not fair,if falling in love was only a choice...
Another song that's really good is "It's not over" for Chris Daughtry.I've been a fan of this guy since he appeared on American Idol,the lyrics are amazing and so is the music,not to mention his voice.
Last song i would like to mention is called "just like a star" for Corinne Bailey Rae.How can i describe this song?Let's see...its a song you put on when the weather is really cold,preferably raining,and you're home alone,you don't feel like going out,so you just sit by the fireplace,wrapped in a warm blanket,drinking some hot chocolate,and deep in thought about your life...where its going...your future...
That's it for now I guess,this is why I love this web page of mine,I felt to write my thoughts with no conditions,meaningless perhaps to some,yet for me,i like the idea of writing about nothing and absolutely everything...hehe.
later...peace.
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