Here I am again.
Months have passed again and I can only tell how much I've grown and how many things have changed in my life from reading this blog. When i go to work in the morning,i usually buy some coffee,an old favorite that i am allowed to enjoy again. Every time i get off the train and am about to dispose of the coffee cup i tend to pause for a few seconds.There are lipstick marks on my coffee cup.The lipstick marks are the same i used to see on my mama's coffee cups when i was a kid,or all the 'grown up' women i saw.I always used to assign the title 'grown up' to one of my older female cousin when i checked if their coffee cups had lipstick marks or not.And guess what?Mine do now.everyday.
This blog entry will deal with engagements, OCD, and many good-byes.
So,let's start with my reoccurring guest of honor, my best friend. I've given up being angry at her, or calling her my EX best friend or even hoping that if she "wakes up" we can go back to being careless 19 year olds driving with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. She called me to tell me that she got engaged to a guy that i personally consider to be an asshole.Now let's be fair for a second, no matter what i think of him, she DOES love him,and as the cliche goes,love is blind, and so can i really blame her for being in love?the answer is a simple no.Can i blame her for the way our friendship is now?The answer is yes.The funny thing she thinks that i HATE her fiance...i'm not really saying that she's wrong,i mean hate is a strong word,its more like extreme dislike. However, she thinks that i blame HIM for breaking my friendship with her.The answer to that is:WRONG.He never forced her to do anything. HER very own decisions were the ones always causing me pain.And you know the worst part about it?She might always remember me as the person who ruined our friendship just cuz i dont like her future husband.and yes,i am talking about the same friend who thought she'd never get married till she's close to thirty.you wanna know what the best part about this story is?I still love her with every beat of my heart.I'm tired of being angry with her,but i still stand my ground a bout everything i told her,however,as a final gift to her before she gets married, i am going home next week to help her choose her wedding gown,to choose a hotel for a wedding and wedding cards.and perhaps give her many needed hugs.Next time i see her it wont be the same and we both know it.Somehow we managed to forge the strongest friendship i've ever seen in the course of a year.I think my best friend and i will always love each other wherever life takes it.It's not really what we imagined,but i guess as long as we both are as happy as we can be,even if not together,then it's good enough.God's plan all along,wasn't it?
Acceptance. That's a feeling that comes when you get over your initial shock.Two of my closest friends are getting engaged.The female i've been close to for 6 years and is getting engaged to a guy who...well,lets just say shouldn't have been her type.The male i've been good friends with for about 4 years,and he's also got engaged to someone who's not quite his type.When i first heard about the news,i was shocked and outraged and i even went home to try to fix my friends' lives!I learned after 3 weeks home that some lives are not my responsibility to fix. It was a difficult lesson to learn,but it did indeed generate acceptance.
I know anyone reading this will be kinda shocked but i was THANKFUL to find out a few months ago that the 2 cases of extreme depression that i've suffered from in the past few years were actually not cases of depression.I,and i am saying it,have OCD.
I am on meds for the following year and i thank God constantly that this case i have has a solution.Speaking of God,i do have a confession.During the first few months of this year my faith was constantly tested,and i barely passed if at all.I'm trying to rebuild the strong spirituality i used to have but its not so easy. I am determined that i wont stop trying till everything is restored to the way it used to be.I'd like to think of that last statement as courage given from God to change the things that i can find,since serenity has already led me to acceptance.
Now the hardest part,lost friendships.I had the most amazing group in uni the first term in the UK.After i started showing symptoms of my OCD the second term,i lost 90% of the group i belonged to.Now i realise that God was looking after me his own way.They were never friends to begin with.And the 10% i have still as friend, i know i will keep in my life for a very long time.Of course the experience itself brought along it's share of pain,but whats new about that?
Also,i lost one of my closest friends.I got to see him face to face in the UK and let's just say that either i kept misunderstanding him,or he's simply not the guy i thought he would be.I'm still too angry to speak about him further,but perhaps,just perhaps,things might change in the future.Yet,no expectations no disappointments.(C,you're the only constant in my life).
Right this moment i'm thinking of all the things that are NOT working out in my life currently.And then just as fast as those thoughts come, i remember that every single time,things tend to eventually work out.I am thankful for new friendships formed, for the best health i can afford,for the close relationship i have with my father now,and mostly for the wisdom i tend to gain with every new step i take in my life.
I think for some time i'll be pausing for a few seconds every time i see the lipstick marks on my coffee cup.I figure,why the hell not,it makes me smile.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Brick Walls
I was reading my previous entry and thinking what a world away i am from those days. Here's the sad update: The one thing I've always dreaded the most,the depression that I've had a few years ago,returned to me. That was the one thing that i never wished even on my worst enemy(don't think i have any,but you get the point). But before i talk about that,i'm gonna talk about what happened in between.
When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.
A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.
I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.
Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.
The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.
When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.
A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.
I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.
Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.
The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
13 days
In less than two weeks I'll be home again.
Last time i wrote in my blog was before i left.My life was so chaotic and i was in an extremely confused phase that i could barely think straight.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago why i haven't written in this blog that has helped me express so many frustrations over the last few years,and the true honest answer is that i have thought about it often, but I've been too busy living.
Living has a new meaning to me.To actually be too busy being alive is invigorating. I have fun and i dance...i worry and i cry...there's balance.The best part has been the sense of freedom that overflows from my veins..even if i am angry at the whole world,i have the option of storming out and walking aimlessly for hours just pondering my existence.i do it because i can.The worst part has been missing my old world..family and friends.Memories will forever be etched my my mind from previous experiences..as much as I've yearned for this life style,i could never forget waking up on Fridays from the smell of my mama's french toast...feeling my sister hug me while we watch TV together for hours...drinking good coffee early in the morning while driving to university...going to weddings with traditional Arabic music...laughing with friends so hard until tears ran down our faces...reading good Arabic poetry with good friends....and the list is really endless.
Sometimes I am afraid.Afraid of being forgotten.Every human being wants to be remembered..i want my family and friends to always remember.I am happy (thank God for that), but the last 21 years are a part of why i am happy.I worked so hard to get here,and although i realise life will keep getting more difficult and my worries will increase, it is a part of life that i accept because i love freedom. I am happy.
Of course in upcoming blog entries i will still be bitching about pressures I'll be facing my life, about loneliness, about homesickness and basically anything that would bother any other human being...i can safely say however that i wouldn't change this lifestyle for anything in the world.If given a choice between my present and my past,my present wins easily.
I was reading a book (a pleasure that i rarely get lately) and from this book, I've concluded that the following is my new objective in life:
I will always aim for the moon...and if i miss,I'll still end up among the stars.
Last time i wrote in my blog was before i left.My life was so chaotic and i was in an extremely confused phase that i could barely think straight.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago why i haven't written in this blog that has helped me express so many frustrations over the last few years,and the true honest answer is that i have thought about it often, but I've been too busy living.
Living has a new meaning to me.To actually be too busy being alive is invigorating. I have fun and i dance...i worry and i cry...there's balance.The best part has been the sense of freedom that overflows from my veins..even if i am angry at the whole world,i have the option of storming out and walking aimlessly for hours just pondering my existence.i do it because i can.The worst part has been missing my old world..family and friends.Memories will forever be etched my my mind from previous experiences..as much as I've yearned for this life style,i could never forget waking up on Fridays from the smell of my mama's french toast...feeling my sister hug me while we watch TV together for hours...drinking good coffee early in the morning while driving to university...going to weddings with traditional Arabic music...laughing with friends so hard until tears ran down our faces...reading good Arabic poetry with good friends....and the list is really endless.
Sometimes I am afraid.Afraid of being forgotten.Every human being wants to be remembered..i want my family and friends to always remember.I am happy (thank God for that), but the last 21 years are a part of why i am happy.I worked so hard to get here,and although i realise life will keep getting more difficult and my worries will increase, it is a part of life that i accept because i love freedom. I am happy.
Of course in upcoming blog entries i will still be bitching about pressures I'll be facing my life, about loneliness, about homesickness and basically anything that would bother any other human being...i can safely say however that i wouldn't change this lifestyle for anything in the world.If given a choice between my present and my past,my present wins easily.
I was reading a book (a pleasure that i rarely get lately) and from this book, I've concluded that the following is my new objective in life:
I will always aim for the moon...and if i miss,I'll still end up among the stars.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Trust and stop waiting
I was being nosy,as usual,on facebook when i found his profile.THAT i didn't mind.
He still looks good.THAT part didn't even make my heart flutter.
His arm is broken.THAT didn't even bother me.
He's engaged.THAT knocked the wind outta me.(like literally when someone punches you in the stomache).
I mean seriously,WTF! Here's what i can truly say,i wasn't heartbroken,i was just surprised.Nor was i happy,i was really sad. Surprisingly i am also mad.Not at him,i do wish him the best,and I'm sorta glad that he found THE one,but why him and not me?
I am absolutely aware that i am sounding selfish.I just cant help thinking that i was the one with the broken heart for a long time.I am a good person that good men fall for.yet,he is ENGAGED,and i am alone.hmm...maybe the status of being "alone" can easily be changed,but what about being "lonely"?
Right now,C is trying to give me a whole future scenario about his life where "his wife will be fat,he'll have an average life and he'll never forget me while I'll be strutting my expensive heels with a husband 100 times better than he would have been".hehehe,i do love this girl.
I don't really wanna be married right now,that i know for a fact.And i really would rather be the way i am-difficult to fall in love- than to love just anybody.I guess I'll just have to trust..not wait.i'm sick of waiting,i have a life to live and its the only one i'm getting (i'm not THAT special).God has shown me recently that patience is indeed a virtue,and it does pay off eventually...that's when air comes into your lungs again,and life begins.
He still looks good.THAT part didn't even make my heart flutter.
His arm is broken.THAT didn't even bother me.
He's engaged.THAT knocked the wind outta me.(like literally when someone punches you in the stomache).
I mean seriously,WTF! Here's what i can truly say,i wasn't heartbroken,i was just surprised.Nor was i happy,i was really sad. Surprisingly i am also mad.Not at him,i do wish him the best,and I'm sorta glad that he found THE one,but why him and not me?
I am absolutely aware that i am sounding selfish.I just cant help thinking that i was the one with the broken heart for a long time.I am a good person that good men fall for.yet,he is ENGAGED,and i am alone.hmm...maybe the status of being "alone" can easily be changed,but what about being "lonely"?
Right now,C is trying to give me a whole future scenario about his life where "his wife will be fat,he'll have an average life and he'll never forget me while I'll be strutting my expensive heels with a husband 100 times better than he would have been".hehehe,i do love this girl.
I don't really wanna be married right now,that i know for a fact.And i really would rather be the way i am-difficult to fall in love- than to love just anybody.I guess I'll just have to trust..not wait.i'm sick of waiting,i have a life to live and its the only one i'm getting (i'm not THAT special).God has shown me recently that patience is indeed a virtue,and it does pay off eventually...that's when air comes into your lungs again,and life begins.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Change
Where the hell did a f***ing month of my life go??i cant believe that I'm already home!the past month passed more like a dream.i was so freakin relaxed and I'm not so glad that I'm back to be honest.I think if i would have stayed for a few more weeks i would have been probably more eager to come back.
The thing that i didn't expect the most about my visit was the change of my relationship with my favorite cousin.last time i went to visit i was 16 and he was 18 and we just understood each other.spending time with him was always fun and we both knew that we equally enjoyed each other's company. On this visit however,if he wasn't my cousin,he would be someone i would never want to talk to again!
Here's the weird thing:the guy didn't change AT ALL.i know i know,you must be thinking then why don't we still have the same kinda relationship.well,the answer is simple:i grew up.in other words,he still has the mentality of an 18 year old at 22,while my mentality has changed and evolved so uch in 4 years.
We had a few fights since we didn't see eye to eye on alot of different issues, and he kept wondering why i have changed.so as usual i went ahead and thought about it.Lets see,in the past 4 years i have:
1-Graduated from hight school after a not very easy year.
2-Fallen in love and gotten my heart broken for the first time.
3-Met every kind of mentality in university and learned how to deal with each.
4-busted my a** for 3 years and graduated early with a BA.
5-learned how to not take life for granted.
6-lost so much,and gained so many lessons.
...just to mention a few.
So how did he expect me to not change?
Anyways,i kept the peace between him and I since i cant blame him for not changing,and i tried to remember the fun the 16 year old me had with him....good times.
I spent most of my time with my younger cousins (age range:13 to 18) since everyone closer to my age were either working or in uni.And as much fun as it was cruising around with them and going out to lunch and to watch movies,something was still wrong.After thinking about it,i think that i only enjoyed the part where i could watch them adjust to what they consider to be "cool".I've been there,and I've done that with my own friends during high school and especially 1st year uni.I'm sooo over that."cool" is in my genes now,hehehehe.
I'm home now and back the "real world" i guess.but it's about time.i need to finish everything i have to do then go on another adventure.One that will change me even more,but then again,i do welcome change,don't i?
The thing that i didn't expect the most about my visit was the change of my relationship with my favorite cousin.last time i went to visit i was 16 and he was 18 and we just understood each other.spending time with him was always fun and we both knew that we equally enjoyed each other's company. On this visit however,if he wasn't my cousin,he would be someone i would never want to talk to again!
Here's the weird thing:the guy didn't change AT ALL.i know i know,you must be thinking then why don't we still have the same kinda relationship.well,the answer is simple:i grew up.in other words,he still has the mentality of an 18 year old at 22,while my mentality has changed and evolved so uch in 4 years.
We had a few fights since we didn't see eye to eye on alot of different issues, and he kept wondering why i have changed.so as usual i went ahead and thought about it.Lets see,in the past 4 years i have:
1-Graduated from hight school after a not very easy year.
2-Fallen in love and gotten my heart broken for the first time.
3-Met every kind of mentality in university and learned how to deal with each.
4-busted my a** for 3 years and graduated early with a BA.
5-learned how to not take life for granted.
6-lost so much,and gained so many lessons.
...just to mention a few.
So how did he expect me to not change?
Anyways,i kept the peace between him and I since i cant blame him for not changing,and i tried to remember the fun the 16 year old me had with him....good times.
I spent most of my time with my younger cousins (age range:13 to 18) since everyone closer to my age were either working or in uni.And as much fun as it was cruising around with them and going out to lunch and to watch movies,something was still wrong.After thinking about it,i think that i only enjoyed the part where i could watch them adjust to what they consider to be "cool".I've been there,and I've done that with my own friends during high school and especially 1st year uni.I'm sooo over that."cool" is in my genes now,hehehehe.
I'm home now and back the "real world" i guess.but it's about time.i need to finish everything i have to do then go on another adventure.One that will change me even more,but then again,i do welcome change,don't i?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
