Thursday, March 11, 2010

About them,About me

She makes me happy.She also confuses me.I love her too much for my own good i think, but then again,don't all sisters love each other like that? I guess so. Sometimes i want to hug her and keep her protected in my arms forever.Someday she will be taller than i am,prettier and smarter. I will still kiss her on the cheek and call her my baby.
I came home a couple of weeks ago to see her smiling and overly hyper. Her eyes smiled, her face smiled, her whole being smiled. I asked her what was up, and she shyly whispered to me in all of her 10 year old innocence that she got to speak with her "boyfriend". Her first love. Her childhood friend. She had a "date" to speak to him again the next day, she was so excited she barely could fall asleep. If i could summarize all the wonderful moments that are worth living on this earth, I would summarize them in the innocent smile of a 10 year old falling in love.

This other girl. She's fresh, young, rebellious. I might like her a little more than everyone else because she reminds me of my younger self. She had this brilliant future ahead of her, full of many smiles, rides across countries and a string of boys with broken hearts along the way.It was her destiny....or perhaps not.
Just like everyone her age, she makes mistakes and hopefully learns from them. I made mistakes when i was her age, but i was very lucky...or at least much luckier than she is. I'm sure she'll be OK, but what kind of cruel lesson is life trying to teach her? She's alone. She 14. She's pregnant.

He's already 30. Not too young but also still young enough, especially for a guy. He is much better than he thinks he is, he doesn't want pity, and i don't want to give him pity. I would just like to show him the potential that i know he has, and the potential that he suspects that he has.
I understand him when he tries to summarize himself for me...he keeps it simple, just the way i like it. He tells me: I just want to write. And all i wanna do? Memorize everything he writes.

What's wrong with her? She always used to wonder. Till the doctors gave her the answers. She felt she was going insane, but now her doctors control her mind disease by pumping her with meds. It keeps the darkness from consuming her. And yet, she still tries to smile.Tries is the key word here.
She wants to figure life out, some things are too close for comfort for her, simple things, like getting close to other human beings. She's only 22.She just wants to write too. She's me.

Monday, January 4, 2010

An Ode To Roger

A few months ago,i tried my luck by buying a hamster.Then a few weeks after that i bought another one to keep the first one company.They are stinky,they eat alot and they are noisy.But i loved them both.
Yesterday i came home to find that my first hamster, an orange one called Roger, was barely moving. He was still alive,but he was also dying. I wrapped him up,tried to feed him...nothing worked.I could feel his tiny little heart beats go slow. I shed a few tears,and i think mina's heart was broken. She told me to try to save him,to take him to work with me and take care of him.
I wrapped his little body trying to keep him warm and put him back in his cage. I didnt have the guts to see if he was ok this morning, so i left for work without checking up on him.My little sister called me int he afternoon to tell me that Charlee,my other female hamster, had chewed roger's head off after he died. Ofcourse being the coward that i am,i told them to clean up the mess before i got home.I told them to throw Roger's mutilated body away.I dont even wanna keep Charlee anymore.

Ofcourse as much as it hurts me,i shouldnt be shocked. I tend to usually lose anything that i love.Apparently my love is a've been dreaming lately that i'm having kids,and everytime i either drop the baby,or just dont love it.This scares the bloody s*** outta me,especially since i'm the one who's expected to be a good mom.Here's the thing though,no matter how many dreams i have,or nightmares in this case, i know that when i get what i want,whether ready or not,i will love them with every single beat of my heart.And you too will do that my friens,even if you dont think so.

The thing is even after i spent the night of new year's eve at home(AGAIN), i still made sure to put on a smile next day,put on a cheery song, and rememeber that i can always better my life if i choose to.

I work now so my life has gotten a little more...on the slow pace.I'm making money though which feels good,although i do work long hours. I will try to travel to see the world with the money i save since i'm still single and young enough to do so.
I decided that this time i will not make any new year resolutions,i will live my life as it comes so i wont face any disappointments.I will do my best.I'm going to keep moving on and going strong.
So 2010....i'm already gone.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Think not

Every single blog entry of mine,or almost all of them, have 2 things in common.First,i seem to talk about all the changes that happened in my life. Second, i tend to thank God every chance i get for the little blessings that seem to linger in my life. The first point remains naturally the same, we all change as life throws its curves at us, however the second is not going to be exactly the same anymore. This entry will deal with broken promises, ending relationships, and a changed perspective of faith.

Starting on a positive note,i got my masters with merit,and i received an A for my dissertation. My hard work didn't go to waste thankfully. I came back home 3 months ago, and the first job i applied to i got,with a great salary too if i may add. Now to everyone around me i seem to have the perfect life,except that..well,me being me,i get bored way too quickly. Still,at this point of my life,it's all good.However,I'm sick of drama. This is why i reached a point where I'm sick of friendship.Don't get me wrong,i still love all my friends and I'm willing to help them anyway i can and anytime they need me,however,since most of them intentionally spice up their life by adding some drama,I'm not willing to participate this time. My "ex" best friend put my life in so much drama for so long that i currently have a negative reaction for it. It's OK if my life was a bit boring with routine,i can live with that,but no more drama least not for a while.

You might be wondering why i had "ex" between quotation marks, and so this brings me to the subject of broken promises. I should really stop promising myself stuff. For example,my ex best friend is my best friend again.Granted,out relationship will never be exactly that same way it was a few years back,but I'm glad she's back since its like a missing part of my life came back.This includes the promise i made saying that if i leave the country I'll never come back....well here i am!meh....that's a long story i don't wanna get into.but in a nutshell,no more promises.

I feel kinda guilty for not writing in my blog for such a long time. After much nagging from a new friend i made here i am again. The thing is my blog seems to portray a side of me that not many people see...and i guess i prefer to keep it that way. Speaking of that new friend of mine,let's call him m3allem for namesake, is married and believe it or not as an Arab he is in an open relationship! I have to say that although i don't necessarily agree on the concept,i respect his courage to say it out loud. Funny thing about this new friend is that i have absolutely nothing in common with him.yet we are friends.Oh well,it seems to somehow work. what's interesting is that he reminds me of another friend of mine in the sense that this guy can pour his heart out when he writes. He even wrote something that i read for his wife and that i absolutely love. The thing is,i have a friend who wrote and read poetry for me,and its weird how i always said that I'd marry a guy who could write poetry for me,or who would at least love me passionately, but the funny thing is when i actually did meet a guy like that, i couldn't love him back.Is something wrong with me?

Moving on to the subject of faith. Unfortunately after i started my OCD episode one year ago and didn't even know it,no amount of prayer made me feel better.Of course everything is fine now since I'm on medication, but my relationship with the man upstairs isn't how it used to be.I cant say I'm all out of faith,because that will be a life,i mean i have my moments. But generally speaking I'm a million miles off where i used to be. I keep thinking of what my friend once told me...he said "i envy those who believe,their lives are a lot more peaceful that those of us who don't".He is so right.

My best friend went to a fortune teller a few days ago.What pissed me off is she told her everything I've been saying for the past few years FOR FREE!the funny thing is that she told her after 1 heart break-which mind you I've already had-I'm gonna find the love of my life.I don't think such a thing exists. My new friend told me a few days ago that I'm single because I'm a thinker.

Although i can say for sure I'm content in my current situation,it seems that my future has 2 paths laid out for me...either i give up my way of thinking and settle for the life that every typical girl wants to have,or i stay true to myself and risk not having many things that i do eventually want.I can fly,smile and dance on my own.I'm strong on my own...but what if from him i never want to part?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Lipstick marks on my coffee cup

Here I am again.

Months have passed again and I can only tell how much I've grown and how many things have changed in my life from reading this blog. When i go to work in the morning,i usually buy some coffee,an old favorite that i am allowed to enjoy again. Every time i get off the train and am about to dispose of the coffee cup i tend to pause for a few seconds.There are lipstick marks on my coffee cup.The lipstick marks are the same i used to see on my mama's coffee cups when i was a kid,or all the 'grown up' women i saw.I always used to assign the title 'grown up' to one of my older female cousin when i checked if their coffee cups had lipstick marks or not.And guess what?Mine do now.everyday.
This blog entry will deal with engagements, OCD, and many good-byes.

So,let's start with my reoccurring guest of honor, my best friend. I've given up being angry at her, or calling her my EX best friend or even hoping that if she "wakes up" we can go back to being careless 19 year olds driving with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. She called me to tell me that she got engaged to a guy that i personally consider to be an asshole.Now let's be fair for a second, no matter what i think of him, she DOES love him,and as the cliche goes,love is blind, and so can i really blame her for being in love?the answer is a simple no.Can i blame her for the way our friendship is now?The answer is yes.The funny thing she thinks that i HATE her fiance...i'm not really saying that she's wrong,i mean hate is a strong word,its more like extreme dislike. However, she thinks that i blame HIM for breaking my friendship with her.The answer to that is:WRONG.He never forced her to do anything. HER very own decisions were the ones always causing me pain.And you know the worst part about it?She might always remember me as the person who ruined our friendship just cuz i dont like her future husband.and yes,i am talking about the same friend who thought she'd never get married till she's close to wanna know what the best part about this story is?I still love her with every beat of my heart.I'm tired of being angry with her,but i still stand my ground a bout everything i told her,however,as a final gift to her before she gets married, i am going home next week to help her choose her wedding gown,to choose a hotel for a wedding and wedding cards.and perhaps give her many needed hugs.Next time i see her it wont be the same and we both know it.Somehow we managed to forge the strongest friendship i've ever seen in the course of a year.I think my best friend and i will always love each other wherever life takes it.It's not really what we imagined,but i guess as long as we both are as happy as we can be,even if not together,then it's good enough.God's plan all along,wasn't it?

Acceptance. That's a feeling that comes when you get over your initial shock.Two of my closest friends are getting engaged.The female i've been close to for 6 years and is getting engaged to a guy who...well,lets just say shouldn't have been her type.The male i've been good friends with for about 4 years,and he's also got engaged to someone who's not quite his type.When i first heard about the news,i was shocked and outraged and i even went home to try to fix my friends' lives!I learned after 3 weeks home that some lives are not my responsibility to fix. It was a difficult lesson to learn,but it did indeed generate acceptance.

I know anyone reading this will be kinda shocked but i was THANKFUL to find out a few months ago that the 2 cases of extreme depression that i've suffered from in the past few years were actually not cases of depression.I,and i am saying it,have OCD.
I am on meds for the following year and i thank God constantly that this case i have has a solution.Speaking of God,i do have a confession.During the first few months of this year my faith was constantly tested,and i barely passed if at all.I'm trying to rebuild the strong spirituality i used to have but its not so easy. I am determined that i wont stop trying till everything is restored to the way it used to be.I'd like to think of that last statement as courage given from God to change the things that i can find,since serenity has already led me to acceptance.

Now the hardest part,lost friendships.I had the most amazing group in uni the first term in the UK.After i started showing symptoms of my OCD the second term,i lost 90% of the group i belonged to.Now i realise that God was looking after me his own way.They were never friends to begin with.And the 10% i have still as friend, i know i will keep in my life for a very long time.Of course the experience itself brought along it's share of pain,but whats new about that?
Also,i lost one of my closest friends.I got to see him face to face in the UK and let's just say that either i kept misunderstanding him,or he's simply not the guy i thought he would be.I'm still too angry to speak about him further,but perhaps,just perhaps,things might change in the future.Yet,no expectations no disappointments.(C,you're the only constant in my life).

Right this moment i'm thinking of all the things that are NOT working out in my life currently.And then just as fast as those thoughts come, i remember that every single time,things tend to eventually work out.I am thankful for new friendships formed, for the best health i can afford,for the close relationship i have with my father now,and mostly for the wisdom i tend to gain with every new step i take in my life.
I think for some time i'll be pausing for a few seconds every time i see the lipstick marks on my coffee cup.I figure,why the hell not,it makes me smile.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Brick Walls

I was reading my previous entry and thinking what a world away i am from those days. Here's the sad update: The one thing I've always dreaded the most,the depression that I've had a few years ago,returned to me. That was the one thing that i never wished even on my worst enemy(don't think i have any,but you get the point). But before i talk about that,i'm gonna talk about what happened in between.

When I went home, it was great to see my family and friends again.Of course old headaches like being able to go out to actually see my friends never changed, but at least i got my car back and was able to drive all over. Going home to be honest only reminded me that as much as i love that part of my world,i REALLY dont wanna live there permanently, and yes, it is still the same issue:no freedom. Anyways,bad luck has it is that there was a war going on that affected the general mood in the country. It was by no means anything less than depressing.

A few weeks after getting back to the UK, out of no where and in an intensity as strong as a train traveling full speed, depression hit me. Suddenly, strongly, and almost lethally. One thing was different than last time though,i told my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me! I thought they'd think i was exaggerating, but they took me seriously, and for that i will forever be grateful. It took weeks to even get mildly better,and anyone who's ever been through this knows that everyday is literally a struggle to keep on surviving. I lost 90% of the friends i made 1st term because of the fact that i alienated them. I didn't feel like socializing anymore, and i couldn't tell them that i was physically unable to function with the rest of humanity. On the upside however, i found that the 10% remaining friends became even closer and that they supported me the most. Plus, i also noticed that in my time of need,i mostly wanted to call those friends left back home. Unfortunately, especially my ex best friend. I can safely say that at this time and place that i am writing this blog we are no longer even friends. I wish her the best, but she has not been a friend to me in so long that i no longer even wish to speak to her. That does not in any way mean that i don miss her, it just means that that chapter of my life has to be closed so i can move on.

I've been thinking about why i don't make best friends easily. The thing is,i can make close friends easily and i hold on to them. They become an essential part of my life and very important, but "best friends" are rare. and i stick to the fact that you can only have one. A best friend is kinda like a boyfriend, very close and you stick to them no matter what, the only difference is, they're supposed to be everlasting(unlike boyfriends). Well, SUPPOSED to be.

Only a month left to the 2nd term of uni and unfortunately i have spent most of it battling with extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Still, thank God for everything. Mostly, thank God for the appreciation he's taught me to have for my family. And also for my new-found friendship with a few people..not to forget of course those older ones who stick to me up to this day loyally.

The future scares me a little at this point, it is unknown and uncertain and so....REAL that is does scare me. I do always have a plan though, and here's mine for now: just like dealing with depression (that i am currently and very slowly recovering from) i will deal with things one at a time. Breaking through one brick wall at a time, all the while tryng to remember to smile..and occasionally when i hear music and remember to look at the sky, i might dance.