Which is better:to care too much,or not to care at all?
This is a question that i always read on the bottom of stupid forwards i get,and somehow,i feel that it is meant for me.
It seems that every time a friend of mine is hurt,i end up hurt with them.I deal with my own heartbreaks very privately.i noticed this fact because after i recover is when i really start talking about what was bothering me.i realize how unhealthy that is,but its just the way i am i guess.
About a year and half ago,i went from being this overly sensitive person that cried about everything good and bad,to not being able to shed a single tear.thing is,i didn't mind being that way,hehe.things changed though.let me explain:my friends describe me as being the motherly type,i hurt for them,hold them while they cry,then try as best as i can to fix whatever it is broken in their life...and when i cant,i feel helpless,which in my opinion is the worst feeling a person can get.
She called me after midnight to cry about what a jerk he is...he called me to tell me that she rejected him and that he really wanted her...he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loved her and couldn't get over her...she called me telling me how pointless life is now that they're not together anymore.
my reaction:i give them a time limit to be hurting,and then i start pulling them up as best as i know how.i keep saying:YOU FELL,AND ITS ALRIGHT,BUT YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO STAY DOWN THERE FOR A WHILE,THEN ITS TIME TO GET UP,SO GET UP!
Problem with all of this,is that i ache as much as they do.I've been heartbroken,and the pain is so strong its almost crippling.so yes,i do understand,and thus i get the need to cry it out,to be hugged,to feel love more than any other time.its just that i cant cry anymore,i don't know why,i mean i still manage to cry when i see stories on TV about kids in Africa or when my mother and i have a fight and i get so angry!
My theory is that my tears are just locked up in my heart.of course concerning my friends,i still have my mind functioning clearly so I'm able to give advice when it is needed.Concerning myself,however,my mind is completely shutdown and i become NUMB.it gets so quiet inside my soul that if i try to listen really hard,i can only hear my aching heart beating steadily,and all that's left in the thundering silence when i fall asleep on a pillow wet from my tears,is the deep echo of an ache so strong that it manifests in a form of raw pain.
So back to the troubling question...is it really better to be absolutely carefree and just enjoying life and to the hell with the rest?or is it better to care for a world that doesn't give a damn?
well,i guess some people will really have a tendency to answer this differently than others would, i mean who would want to ache for a lifetime instead of get a trouble free life?
I would...life is all about choices,and i figure whats the point of living if you want to be careless and numb to others?If life was only black and white then this would indeed be my choice,the only thing I'd ask for in return though,is to get back the ability to cry,because i truly do believe it lessens the pain.maybe it will...someday.till then,i will still hurt for them,still feel for them,still stand tall,and still be there for them all.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The truth about lying
I had a friend once whom i respected,cherished and loved....then i lost him.
you see,there was nothing wrong with the guy,he was athletic,good-looking,sweet,charming,eloquent and even religious...or was he?
This old friend of mine,or shall i say "ex-friend" had only one problem,and unfortunately it was a major one...he lied like he breathed.what was so sad is that i was so close to him and if he would have told me that the sky is violet i would've believed him.I wouldn't consider myself to be naive cuz believe you me,he had everyone convinced that he was this self-righteous guy.
Anyways,to make a long story short,i decided along with my 2 other friends to cut relations with him.I decided this only after this major fight we had and then when the truth was revealed about him 2 weeks later.Plus,i do believe that lying is like cancer,it spreads like a disease,and if "you" keep it up,it will kill you slowly.
Now here's the catch,from all of you who read my blog...well,this "old" friend of mine has this link and i know for a fact that he reads my blog.i don't mind,and i also like it when he sends me an occasional email telling me of how he's doing and what he thought about my latest post.Funny thing is,i never reply,but both me and him know that i do read his emails.other than that there is no contact.
Although for a short while i was really angry about what his lies have done to me and our friendship,it was always what his lies have done to HIM that angered me the most.Truth be told,i never hated him.I still don't,in fact,and i don't believe i ever will.
There are days when i honestly miss calling him up just to complain about my day,to check up on him or just to read some good "nizar qabani" poems.I miss discussing politics or religion with him.i miss comfortable silences that were between us.I miss him giving me this look and telling me "a555 ya mostabedda!".hehe.
I could write a whole page of what i miss,but i would be lying if i said that i regret my choice of ending the friendship.I have recently found out how correct that decision was.I have heard that he still lies about things,and i fear that it will never change.
At present,his lying in no way affects my life.if he does decide to lie to anyone about anything that concerns me,it wouldn't affect me since we're not friends anymore.It might hurt,but Allah ysam7o.He once called and i don't really know what happened during that conversation...he either tried to justify his lies or tell me that what i heard was exaggerated.he even tried to blame some of it on others.at the end of that conversation however he asked for my forgiveness and indirectly admitted to his wrong doing...i do forgive him from all my heart...it is believed that "to err is human...to forgive is divine".
I have sworn to never discuss this again with him if he opens the subject anytime in the future..if we get in touch that is.I do pray with all my heart that for his sake he can learn to stop lying...he might say that he doesn't,but me and him both know what really goes on in his head.he once laughed and told me "how come you know me better than i know myself?!".I cant tell you how,but i can tell you this:i believe in you,you have the potential to change the world,and you are a great guy.
If i can be your muse for one day only,I'd inspire you not to lie,and once you achieve that,you'll own the world.
you see,there was nothing wrong with the guy,he was athletic,good-looking,sweet,charming,eloquent and even religious...or was he?
This old friend of mine,or shall i say "ex-friend" had only one problem,and unfortunately it was a major one...he lied like he breathed.what was so sad is that i was so close to him and if he would have told me that the sky is violet i would've believed him.I wouldn't consider myself to be naive cuz believe you me,he had everyone convinced that he was this self-righteous guy.
Anyways,to make a long story short,i decided along with my 2 other friends to cut relations with him.I decided this only after this major fight we had and then when the truth was revealed about him 2 weeks later.Plus,i do believe that lying is like cancer,it spreads like a disease,and if "you" keep it up,it will kill you slowly.
Now here's the catch,from all of you who read my blog...well,this "old" friend of mine has this link and i know for a fact that he reads my blog.i don't mind,and i also like it when he sends me an occasional email telling me of how he's doing and what he thought about my latest post.Funny thing is,i never reply,but both me and him know that i do read his emails.other than that there is no contact.
Although for a short while i was really angry about what his lies have done to me and our friendship,it was always what his lies have done to HIM that angered me the most.Truth be told,i never hated him.I still don't,in fact,and i don't believe i ever will.
There are days when i honestly miss calling him up just to complain about my day,to check up on him or just to read some good "nizar qabani" poems.I miss discussing politics or religion with him.i miss comfortable silences that were between us.I miss him giving me this look and telling me "a555 ya mostabedda!".hehe.
I could write a whole page of what i miss,but i would be lying if i said that i regret my choice of ending the friendship.I have recently found out how correct that decision was.I have heard that he still lies about things,and i fear that it will never change.
At present,his lying in no way affects my life.if he does decide to lie to anyone about anything that concerns me,it wouldn't affect me since we're not friends anymore.It might hurt,but Allah ysam7o.He once called and i don't really know what happened during that conversation...he either tried to justify his lies or tell me that what i heard was exaggerated.he even tried to blame some of it on others.at the end of that conversation however he asked for my forgiveness and indirectly admitted to his wrong doing...i do forgive him from all my heart...it is believed that "to err is human...to forgive is divine".
I have sworn to never discuss this again with him if he opens the subject anytime in the future..if we get in touch that is.I do pray with all my heart that for his sake he can learn to stop lying...he might say that he doesn't,but me and him both know what really goes on in his head.he once laughed and told me "how come you know me better than i know myself?!".I cant tell you how,but i can tell you this:i believe in you,you have the potential to change the world,and you are a great guy.
If i can be your muse for one day only,I'd inspire you not to lie,and once you achieve that,you'll own the world.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
special stuff,tiny treasures and precious possessions
Every person has trinkets that he/she love,and I'm no exception.
Some of the "special stuff" that i own are old stuffed animals that I've had since i was a baby.I still keep them on a shelf in my room since each remind me of something that makes me feel happy.
My "tiny treasures" include souvenirs that either i had collected from different places,or some that friends and family got me.they are mostly key chains that i collect.its like having a piece of different countries with different cultures around that world,and when i hold the key chains,its like holding the world between my hands.
Under my bed there's a box with my "precious possessions".These include cards from close friends on birthdays,small gifts from people who mean the world to me and tiny memories in the form of what anyone else looking into that box would consider to be "junk".
Recently added to my list of things i love,is a beautiful necklace,in the form of an angel,that i had always imagined having,which was given to me as a belated birthday gift from a very close friend (also known as "batata" in a previous blog,hehe).
If you could only see my room you'd notice that i have alot of "junk" lying around,but in truth,everything i own has a story behind it..a memory that always puts a smile on my face and fills my heart with warmth whenever i walk by my truly beautiful junk.
Some of the "special stuff" that i own are old stuffed animals that I've had since i was a baby.I still keep them on a shelf in my room since each remind me of something that makes me feel happy.
My "tiny treasures" include souvenirs that either i had collected from different places,or some that friends and family got me.they are mostly key chains that i collect.its like having a piece of different countries with different cultures around that world,and when i hold the key chains,its like holding the world between my hands.
Under my bed there's a box with my "precious possessions".These include cards from close friends on birthdays,small gifts from people who mean the world to me and tiny memories in the form of what anyone else looking into that box would consider to be "junk".
Recently added to my list of things i love,is a beautiful necklace,in the form of an angel,that i had always imagined having,which was given to me as a belated birthday gift from a very close friend (also known as "batata" in a previous blog,hehe).
If you could only see my room you'd notice that i have alot of "junk" lying around,but in truth,everything i own has a story behind it..a memory that always puts a smile on my face and fills my heart with warmth whenever i walk by my truly beautiful junk.
The Importance of turning 20
I called my best friend last week at midnight exactly since it marked her birthday...not any birthday,her 20th.I know people usually fuss about sweet 16s (and boy did i have a party for that) and turning 18 when some things become legal (particularly driving over here) and 21 when u can basically do anything that the law allows.but 20...that's a big leap,the "teen" word is dropped...no more blaming stupid acts on raging hormones,no more parents yelling saying "you're only (number)teen!"and for some odd reason the falafel dude seems to be offended when you call him "3amo",and he'd rather call you "ya5ty"(or "ya5oy" if your a guy).
On the other hand,parents still refuse to believe that their kids are actually growing up,annoying...but human nature,i get that.Also,pimples don't seem to miraculously disappear,and curfew is not extended....so bummer.
I don't want to sound fragmented by jumping from one point to another in my story (like Tristram Shandy),but back to my phone call to my best friend.We basically talked about growing up,generally.i mean that's a constant job,a person never really stops growing up,however 20 seems to be different.it marks our stay on planet earth for 2 decades,a generation all grown up now,ready to graduate,take on the responsibility of work and then eventually get married....hmmm.Is it normal?yes.Am i scared?Shitless.
I think most people have a "to do" list.Mine has a limit...6/10/2007,my very own 20th birthday.I am sad to say however that not even a few of the things that i want to do on that list i have actually done.Examples?Skydiving,bungee jumping and learning how to play the guitar....maybe in the next 7 months...or just someday.
Although I'm expressing my fears,i don't want anyone to get me wrong,i welcome the upcoming years so BRING IT ON!!!What's the importance of turning 20?I concluded that its all about welcoming the next 20 years with a clear mind,renewed faith and an open heart.
On the other hand,parents still refuse to believe that their kids are actually growing up,annoying...but human nature,i get that.Also,pimples don't seem to miraculously disappear,and curfew is not extended....so bummer.
I don't want to sound fragmented by jumping from one point to another in my story (like Tristram Shandy),but back to my phone call to my best friend.We basically talked about growing up,generally.i mean that's a constant job,a person never really stops growing up,however 20 seems to be different.it marks our stay on planet earth for 2 decades,a generation all grown up now,ready to graduate,take on the responsibility of work and then eventually get married....hmmm.Is it normal?yes.Am i scared?Shitless.
I think most people have a "to do" list.Mine has a limit...6/10/2007,my very own 20th birthday.I am sad to say however that not even a few of the things that i want to do on that list i have actually done.Examples?Skydiving,bungee jumping and learning how to play the guitar....maybe in the next 7 months...or just someday.
Although I'm expressing my fears,i don't want anyone to get me wrong,i welcome the upcoming years so BRING IT ON!!!What's the importance of turning 20?I concluded that its all about welcoming the next 20 years with a clear mind,renewed faith and an open heart.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
A funny story
So 2 days ago,i had to buy 2 books important courses I'm taking in uni.Luck has it that that particular day was Valentines day.Being single,that day really wasn't a big deal for me,though i have t admit the romance in the air was a little nauseating(people would argue that I'm jealous,but whatever,hehe).Anyways,my friend,lets call her batata just for the sake of anonymity,asked me with that puppy eye look to get her the same 2 books that I'm getting.Of course i couldn't say no,even after she gave me her notebook and book to carry around that day on top of my own book and notebook.I couldn't really say no also because it was her 1st actual date with a guy she really loves(also a good buddy of mine,but an idiot nonetheless).
Anyways,i dragged 2 friends with me to go buy the books from the other side of uni,which is a long way to walk by the way,but hey,its exercise,so why not?!I didn't even mind walking through this area next to the bookshop where they were cleaning the sewers.Now,i had previously asked batata to send me a message with the exact name of the 2 books,and she sure did...except that,although she gave me the exact name of the 1st,concerning the second,the text read "tell him(the man selling the books) something with an h"....i know,jaw dropping,i could swear that second that batata was internally blonde.
I have already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that patience is no virtue of mine,and it sure as hell wasnt in this case,so upon receiving this message i counted to 10 and took a deep breath before calling batata.After yelling at her to my hearts content,she promised to get me the exact name in 2 minutes.She didn't,shocked?
After leaving my 2 friends waiting outside,I went into the book store and got the 2 books with the correct name,and even managed to get the 2 books that start with an h.of course the look on my face was all but amusing when i saw the size of those 4 books.i mean Goddammit!they were the thickest books I've ever seen!!!
Now here's the thing,i was already carrying 2 books in my arms,and 2 notebooks in my bag when i paid for the 4 books.There were 8 young men in the store with me also buying books,and when presented with the dilemma of carrying the books,do you think any of the "gentlemen" offered to help??hmm...I somehow managed to carry everything outside,so lets leave it at that.Now when i got outside,my 2 friends that i had actually brought along to aid me,were nowhere to be seen,so i had to cross the vast parking lot to find them chatting casually on a bench...please in any point of this story don't forget what i was carrying.
Each of the girls with me carried one of the thick books on the way back to our lectures,and by the time i got to my lecture hall-arms broken after separating with the 2 girls,with 3 of the 4 thick books(not to mention the 2 notebooks and 2 other books) and also 2 minutes late for my lecture-my mood lifted because i generally had an interesting class...or nothing too boring lets say.
After my lecture,i looked at all the books that i had to carry again to the parking lot to dump in my car,and i realized that i was physically unable to carry them on my own anymore because my arms were still aching.Anyways,i figured I'll just call to check up on batata and her date.I was really happy,however,to find out that she was on her way back to uni,she was actually 2 minutes away from me,so i kindly asked her to come and help me carry the books.Of course her reaction shocked me,it seems that i was extremely dumb,because her reply was"well if you have alot of books ,why carry them around with you? just take them to your car!!!",and she said it in such a matter-of-fact matter that i was like DUH!!!why didn't i think of that.I proceeded to apologize for my stupidity and said that i will do just that.Of course I'm sure that my friends just missed the fact that i enjoyed carrying the books around so much that i completely forgot,or even better,i didn't even think of that in the 1st place!!!
After this intelligent conversation,i called my best friend and asked her to meet me half way from where she was so she can help me carry the darn books.I get there,half way that is,and I'm glad to see that she's walking towards me with a male friend.Now imagine this,while I'm walking towards them,trying to go as fast as i could because i could swear that my arms almost fell off,and barely able to catch my breath,the STROLL towards me...as slow as their feet can carry them,no need for urgency while their tired out of breath friends with the all the books tries not to stumble.Anyway,things get better when they actually get to me,and i dump all books on our friends,the dude,hehehe.
The four of us head to the parking lot,and we had to depart with out male friend at the 1st floor cuz he needed to get his books from his car to catch his lecture on time.No problem.he hands me the books again,and i don't bother to tell my best friend anything because she was apparently engrossed in this important phone call,also no problem.Even while she was having this important phone call,while i was still struggling with all the books,she still found a sec to turn to me and gesture for me to hurry up...no problem.
We get to the car,she finishes her phone call,and is bitchin about some problem that a friend is having,now normally,i wouldn't mind listening to her if i weren't so busy trying to balance all the books while fishing for my keys in my stuffed bag...i find them,i open the car,i dump the books!!!mission achieved...finally,so no problem after all.
After my long day and aching arms,i call batata once again telling her how imperative it is for her not to be late for our 3:30 lecture.i emphasize the importance of this particular lecture,and even "nicely" ask her to be there even 5 minutes earlier.she agrees.you think she got there on time?10 minutes late for the lecture,and she even almost throws up on the way....NO FREAKIN PROBLEM.
Anyways,i dragged 2 friends with me to go buy the books from the other side of uni,which is a long way to walk by the way,but hey,its exercise,so why not?!I didn't even mind walking through this area next to the bookshop where they were cleaning the sewers.Now,i had previously asked batata to send me a message with the exact name of the 2 books,and she sure did...except that,although she gave me the exact name of the 1st,concerning the second,the text read "tell him(the man selling the books) something with an h"....i know,jaw dropping,i could swear that second that batata was internally blonde.
I have already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that patience is no virtue of mine,and it sure as hell wasnt in this case,so upon receiving this message i counted to 10 and took a deep breath before calling batata.After yelling at her to my hearts content,she promised to get me the exact name in 2 minutes.She didn't,shocked?
After leaving my 2 friends waiting outside,I went into the book store and got the 2 books with the correct name,and even managed to get the 2 books that start with an h.of course the look on my face was all but amusing when i saw the size of those 4 books.i mean Goddammit!they were the thickest books I've ever seen!!!
Now here's the thing,i was already carrying 2 books in my arms,and 2 notebooks in my bag when i paid for the 4 books.There were 8 young men in the store with me also buying books,and when presented with the dilemma of carrying the books,do you think any of the "gentlemen" offered to help??hmm...I somehow managed to carry everything outside,so lets leave it at that.Now when i got outside,my 2 friends that i had actually brought along to aid me,were nowhere to be seen,so i had to cross the vast parking lot to find them chatting casually on a bench...please in any point of this story don't forget what i was carrying.
Each of the girls with me carried one of the thick books on the way back to our lectures,and by the time i got to my lecture hall-arms broken after separating with the 2 girls,with 3 of the 4 thick books(not to mention the 2 notebooks and 2 other books) and also 2 minutes late for my lecture-my mood lifted because i generally had an interesting class...or nothing too boring lets say.
After my lecture,i looked at all the books that i had to carry again to the parking lot to dump in my car,and i realized that i was physically unable to carry them on my own anymore because my arms were still aching.Anyways,i figured I'll just call to check up on batata and her date.I was really happy,however,to find out that she was on her way back to uni,she was actually 2 minutes away from me,so i kindly asked her to come and help me carry the books.Of course her reaction shocked me,it seems that i was extremely dumb,because her reply was"well if you have alot of books ,why carry them around with you? just take them to your car!!!",and she said it in such a matter-of-fact matter that i was like DUH!!!why didn't i think of that.I proceeded to apologize for my stupidity and said that i will do just that.Of course I'm sure that my friends just missed the fact that i enjoyed carrying the books around so much that i completely forgot,or even better,i didn't even think of that in the 1st place!!!
After this intelligent conversation,i called my best friend and asked her to meet me half way from where she was so she can help me carry the darn books.I get there,half way that is,and I'm glad to see that she's walking towards me with a male friend.Now imagine this,while I'm walking towards them,trying to go as fast as i could because i could swear that my arms almost fell off,and barely able to catch my breath,the STROLL towards me...as slow as their feet can carry them,no need for urgency while their tired out of breath friends with the all the books tries not to stumble.Anyway,things get better when they actually get to me,and i dump all books on our friends,the dude,hehehe.
The four of us head to the parking lot,and we had to depart with out male friend at the 1st floor cuz he needed to get his books from his car to catch his lecture on time.No problem.he hands me the books again,and i don't bother to tell my best friend anything because she was apparently engrossed in this important phone call,also no problem.Even while she was having this important phone call,while i was still struggling with all the books,she still found a sec to turn to me and gesture for me to hurry up...no problem.
We get to the car,she finishes her phone call,and is bitchin about some problem that a friend is having,now normally,i wouldn't mind listening to her if i weren't so busy trying to balance all the books while fishing for my keys in my stuffed bag...i find them,i open the car,i dump the books!!!mission achieved...finally,so no problem after all.
After my long day and aching arms,i call batata once again telling her how imperative it is for her not to be late for our 3:30 lecture.i emphasize the importance of this particular lecture,and even "nicely" ask her to be there even 5 minutes earlier.she agrees.you think she got there on time?10 minutes late for the lecture,and she even almost throws up on the way....NO FREAKIN PROBLEM.
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